Sunshine

To my Beloved Sunshine,

I will never forget you my dear Patsy, I will always love you no matter where you are. I know that you are too young now to remember me in the future when you are fully grown, but I hope that somewhere inside of your heart you have made a small place for me. Somewhere next to your favorite toys, your favorite snacks and snuggle time I hope that you will always find me with my arms open waiting for you to play.

I know that we will see each other again sporadically over the next few months. Although, when we meet I will no longer be your father. It kills me to say that. You have saved me so many times from the dark sadness, the empty loneliness and you have always been there gushing with love, full of light, for me and everyone around you. I wish your mother and I could have provided better for you, provided more love, for you certainly deserve so much better than what we are giving now.

It seems silly of me to be so close to tears writing this to you when I had written so many other emotionally charged postings without shedding a single tear or ever coming close to having watery eyes. I know that you will be happy with your mommy, and I know that your mommy is going to need you more than ever now; so you take good care of her and snuggle hard! Try not to tear up too much stuff in the new place!

I love you Patsy. If I could take you with me I would take you all over the world. I will never forget your beautiful face looking up at me with such loving eyes. You are my first baby, and you always will be. Don’t forget me, my dear, dear Sunshine.

All of my love,

Daddy

5, 60, 1,825, 43,800, 2,628,000, 157,680,000

Today was supposed to be our 5th year anniversary. Today is my last day as Patsy’s father. My place is ready to be my own, to be taken over like the life I reclaimed for myself. It is almost over now. This is what we wanted. The dreamers are free. The machine is broken, it just needs to be swept away. Under a rug, by the tide, to decay with time, it does not matter; it just needs to be taken away. I feel exhausted, all these pieces lying everywhere. I am not sure where to start cleaning up. What a mess we have made. So much to clean up!

She darts in and out picking up her pieces and moving them away. Keeping as busy as ever. I watch what she takes and every time she removes I replace, to fill the void. I cannot stand the void, it is too much to bear. Emptiness, it drains so much energy from you and in its place it leaves negativity and a sense of loss. There is enough loss to go around right now. We do not need anymore.

It has been a rough month and a half. It seems to all conclude now. What a story maker fate is. For fate has provided the both of us quite the story. Perhaps one day I shall share it with you, but for now I shall simply share the interesting way that fate has chosen the day we became one, to be the exact same day, five years later, to become ourselves again.

The past five years have been the most intense five years of my life thus far. It is so hard to let go of someone who you have grown with, cried with, loved with and relied on for so much. I used to think that she was more dependent on me. As this story concludes though, I start to see how dependent on her I was as well. I have pointed out everything that was going wrong with it in the past postings. Seeing as we are about to cross the finish line, I think it is only appropriate to share how much there was between the two of us.

Yes, the machine went out of control , but it is so critical to remember that we invested so much into it and into each other. Our dream drove us. We were truly a great team, we only needed each other. Not many people here in this city know both of us individually without the other. In fact most people cannot fathom the thought of us as individuals. I guess that is why it is better we go our own ways to find ourselves.

What we had was a beautiful thing. It will never happen again to me. I will never forget her and the impact that she has made in my life. To say otherwise would negate the past five years and reduce it to nothing but a memory. I know she will find her happiness, she is destined to. We saved ourselves, our lives are in front of us and we can see our dreams clearly now. What is in between us and those dreams, I do not know. Will we ever reach them? I cannot say. She has gotten me through so much of the crap involved with this place, I am sure she can get herself through the unknown...

To Her:

Thank you. Thank you so much for the past five years. Thank you for being there when you were, for all the beautiful times, for fighting for and with me when you did, for the love you gave, for Patsy, for all of the adventures, for our dream. I will never forget you and all that you have done for me. I know this is not a farewell, as in we will not see each other again. I guess this is a farewell to how we see each other.

Friendship is not such a bad ending is it? Know that I look to those five years with joy. Warm feelings fill me when I do think of them, our happy times together. I hope that we can keep those times where they are and look forward. We will always have those moments in our hearts but as it is we can no longer live them out; it would be to our downfall as individuals.

I stand out of your way now, you are free to be. I am sorry I stood in the way so many times. From now on I want you to remember that I will always be here to support anything you need to do to find yourself and to realize your dream. You are a beautiful person, one of the most beautiful people I have had the honor of knowing. I am so lucky to have had you in my life for so long. I will do my best to be there through the rough times.

As much distance as there will be between you and I, I will be out there somewhere and know I will not give up on our friendship. Let's look to the world now and find our happiness.

- S -

It Is Like An Addiction

At times I wonder what would’ve been had I not ventured into the unknown when I did. Would I have been happier than I am now with the calm and the peace of mind that everything is settled. Is it better to not know what could be? Should I have taken the blue pill Morpheus? It is hard to say that given the fact that I did not really have a choice but to leave. So, was it fate then? Am I destined to an unsettled life? Or is it me that creates these situations for myself? Do I set up feeling unsettled and create a situation for me to make some sort of move just to feel normal? If that is the case then I truly am a nomad, physically, mentally and spiritually. So why do I question it?

I watched A History Of Violence last night and I fell in love with the relationship the main character had with his wife. It was so calm and they were so into each other. It emanated from their very being, the aura of contentment glowing on their faces; happiness, just pure happiness with each other. I do not aspire to such a setting, mind you, cow land is not for me, but I took to their relationship so quickly. Something inside me started to scream out “That is what I want!!” It was such an intense feeling because it is something that I am not sure I will ever have in my life. Some things are meant for some people. I could see my dear friend Ms. Forest having that, it is quite the possibility for her. I am too ambitious I think, too willing to see the world and engaging in everything that it hast to offer. Everything has a price.

I guess that it would be possible to try and settle down at some point in my life. People say I need to. It is hard for me to see that though when I have never done it. My parents raised my brother and I in so many different countries. Do we long for a place to settle? I cannot speak for my brother, but I really cannot see that prospect in my life at the moment. I know my mother is yearning for it. My father may be as well.

So then my questions change; Is this epoch that I am going through right now a manifestation of some internal timing function meaning that I was overdue for a change and all I needed was a reason to do so? Have I become so accustomed to changing my life every five years that it drives me crazy to stay in one place for more than five? Is this a “Pavlov’s Dog” situation? I surely am frothing at the mouth to move and am in desperate need of a new change.

I look around at the people who I surround myself with. They all want to settle down in some form or shape. They are all focused on making their lives easier, being with people they love and finding their place. I on the other hand have decided to make life harder for myself in the hopes that it would become easier to manage down the line, with the hopes that it would be exciting, that there is something out there for me, someone, somewhere. “It is not always going to be this hard” people say. Sure I believe that, but the premise behind that is you keep your head down, stay in one spot and keep going. Consistency, that is the word. It is what is required of one to be happily settled, couple that with contentment and voila! You have a happy, stable and secure life. If there is one thing I am consistent about it is shaking things up when things are about to settle down.

It is a strange feeling/state of mind that I am going through right now. There are a lot of things playing into it. For example, I am turning my current residence into what I want. Quite frankly, I am happy with the result. I caught myself saying, ‘feels like home finally’ and I began daydreaming about all the fun I would have being on my own again. That’s when I started asking myself all of these questions.

I think I may be putting too much emphasis on the physical aspect of settling down. I guess what I am getting to is that I would simply love to have a moment in my time where I am not fighting for something all the time. I have been chasing dreams and whenever I get close to it, it almost seems as if I switch gears and find another one to chase. Chronic dreamer? Perhaps.

I cannot lose focus, I think I am just feeling the pressure, feeling the yearning to go back to what is normal. It is like an adiction.

A Soundtrack

Really Into This Song Right Now. Love the Words......

Oh, tonight began with anything.

Shaft of a light. A warm breath and a scream.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, tamper if you like between the doors.

Oh yeah can't expect to go out, 

to go out with anything, anythingmore.

Oh reach the door. A breath and a...Oh reach the door. 

Life ain't what it's worth.

A breath and a... Oh reach the door.

All these reaching hands out grabbing things. Grabbing me.

Day in day out accumulating. Ah yeah.Whoa. 

I suggest you step out on your porch.Oh yeah. 

Run away my son. See it all. 

Oh see the world.

Oh reach the door. 

A breath and a...Oh reach the door. 

Life ain't what it's worth.

A breath and a... Oh reach the door.

Come. Here it comes. There it goes. 

When it comes.Where it goes. 

Where it comes.Can't see through the faith. 

Come. Here it comes. There it goes.Grasp what you can.

Don't you know there's something inside your head, yeah.

Oh, if I knew where it was I would take you there but there'smuch more than this.

Whoa, much more than this. 

Woh see the world. 

Much morethan...Oh, much more than. Why?

Breath - Pearl Jam

Realease Them

A white light fills my universe. I can’t hear anything I cannot see anything. I look at my hands and it is a black silhouette against a backdrop of pure light. This is the great unknown, the gamble. Where I lie does not matter. I think of everything that has happened. I think of everything I have given up. I think of my parents and their fears for me. My friends, my real friends. I think of the mentors I have in this world who probably do not know that they are my mentors. I think of her…did I do her wrong? Or did we save each other? I believe we saved each other. I think of what lies ahead, happiness awaits me in another land. Happiness waits to wrap her arms around me in a huge embrace.

I begin to see color. Orange streaks come out of the distance. Followed by a blue, then a red, violet, green, yellow, black, white, pink, peach, marigold...it was perfect. It was my sunset. I look down at myself, my clothes are tattered, I am cut and bleeding. On the beach sitting on the sand was that little boy. He looks at me briefly, I notice that the bright light was no longer emanating from his very being. I make a motion towards him but he puts his hand up as if to say ‘stop!’ He points at my heart and he points at the sunset. Immediately I knew. I did not bottle the light, the dreams, into a small package to protect. I let it into my heart and it now reflects on the outside world, my dreams on the inside, and my sunset on the outside.

I begin to ask him what happened to her and the little girl but he put a finger to his mouth and told me to listen. In the distance I hear laughter, it was her. I squint my eyes and down the beach the little girl ran around her playfully. Getting close to her and getting away from her grasp just as quick. Her elusive dream. Will she ever catch it? It is no longer for me to ponder.

I look at the little boy as he walks slowly up to me. He points to a cut on my chest. ‘It will heal one day, soon.’ I reassure him. He begins to back away. The little girl appears out of nowhere. They look at each other. She comes running up next to me. My sunset has disappeared and is replaced by millions and millions of stars. The dreamers walk towards the water holding hands. When their feet touch the water they face each other again, one last time. Something grabs them by the hands and leads them away from each other, is it fate? I do not know. They look back over their shoulders at each other as they are being led away, their right hands clasped by another being, like they were being led away by their parents. They manage one last wave 'bye-bye,' before they disappear into the stars.

The Dreamers

The dreamers see their sky open up. Two faces peer in, exhausted faces, riddled with stress and worn out by frustration and pain. At first the dreamers are scared, and they hold each other tighter, but then they look the faces in the eyes and realize who they are. The light and warmth resonating from within the dreamers pulses and heaves. They are doing it, they are dreaming…

As we stare at the children we lock eyes with them. A surge of energy almost pushes us back. The light gets brighter. A feeling overwhelms us. It is a familiar feeling, the ones you have as a child daydreaming away. It comes from them, they are dreaming, wait, they are dreaming our dreams. I stare into the heavens watching my dreams escape into space and I feel a sense of contentment overpower me. I have no hate, no anger, no animosity anymore. I see now, staring into the endless sky my dreams, free, finally free. I look over at her and see that she is grasping at the air, trying to catch the pieces of heaven as they fly by her face like lightning bugs in June. Trying to ‘save’ them and put them in a bottle, so scared of losing them.

I run towards her and I smash the bottle onto the remains of the machine, she looks at me in shock and I scream ‘Can’t you see?!? You cannot bottle them up anymore, you have to set them free, Look! Look at them!’ I point to the children, wide-eyed and starring at us in absolute excitement as if this is what they had been waiting for; a chance to be free, a chance to live out who they are, dreamers.

I continue to rip apart the machine with a renewed vigor. No more tears, just happiness, pure light running through me. Little flashes of light surrounds me and my heart, I begin to notice that it, the light, is coming from me now as well, not just the dreamers. The little boy looks at me with eyes cheering me on. I hear a high pitched noise, like something is stuck in a vacuum cleaner except at a higher pitch. I look over to her and she is even more scared, I tell her to keep going. The little girl looking at her in desperation, her eyes begging, pleading, for her to keep going, to not give up. I continue ripping and pulling. The sound gets louder and louder. The machine shakes, it begins to groan, this is it! Almost there just………..one……….more......

………….………………………..SILENCE………………………………………………

...deus ex machina?....

The tears stream down our faces as we rip apart the hard exterior. Sweat, blood and frustration all combined together. We smash through, sparks flying, as effectively and with as much speed as we can. The pieces come off one by one and the insides of the machine reveal itself. It gets harder and harder to take this machination apart the closer we get to the center. As we break through the hard exoskeleton the soft inside reveals itself, an explosion of emotions hits us full force like trapped vapors in a pressurized environment...

It is easier to take out a lot of anger, animosity, annoyances and frustrations on the negative, hard and colder aspects of the machine. It is once you break through the shell, though, that you realize what the machine was made from. Like Dracula and all of the classic monsters, it was love that created them and love that created this machine. Seeing that stops us in our tracks and the tears of anger turn to tears of sadness as the beauty of what once was overwhelms us both.

…The vapor fills our bodies with memories as it dissipates, floating away into space as a fragment of time. The light within the machine shines bright at first but it weakens, as if injured, broken even. We keep dismantling, slower this time. The realization sinks in, reality solidifies the plan. We know that we have reached the point of no return, we MUST keep going. She stops every once in a while to gather herself. I cannot help but look and feel sad, but only for a second. I can no longer cherish these memories with her. She looks to me as if to invite me in, to remember our lost child. I reach out to her, take the piece in my hand and help her to put it down. All the while smiling, telling her that it is ok, we can let go now, there is nothing to fear.

This moment of closeness lasts only a split second and then we remember what we are doing and the distance returns...

Fear. It is the ultimate hurdle. It makes and breaks but what it makes is never a good thing and what it breaks always is.

…the fading light emanating from the machine traces out a silhouette. We cannot see what it is so we pick up the pace, breaking off more pieces. The more we break apart the machine the more the silhouette takes form. It is a human. No, there are two humans, children. They could not see us, we are too far away. What we can see are two children naked, cold and scared holding each other. They are the source of the fading light. They cannot see us, they cannot see the opening at first, but one senses it. It is a boy, he is looking up and around. The other, a girl lifts her head and senses the change in their environment. As they look around curiously I catch a glimpse of the little boy. She catches a glimpse of the little girl. We both say to ourselves “I know you. Where have you been all this time…”

Pronounced Feelings

I have not done a spur of the moment posting before but I think now is a good time because it would be good to see how I am truly feeling with all these things going on around me.

Today is an interesting day for me. I am full of mixed feelings but the ones which are more pronounced are a sense of detachment, inquisitiveness and an overall state of contentment with my life. It would be great to get the chance to step outside of myself for a few hours today.

I had the chance to talk to my good friend Ms. Forest last night. As sad as she is about the situation I am in now she is extremely happy for me overall. She is almost jealous about my plans in that she would like that lifestyle back; we once had the same lifestyle being international children and traveling everywhere. She yearns for it again but growing roots is more important to her, on top of which she has found her place with the one she loves. I am truly happy for her. Talking to her was great because she completely reassured me that I am going the right way. In my previous posting I was talking about how the self doubt was getting to me, well, that is resolved. You may think that ‘yeah but she is your friend and she will always support any decision’ not true. There have been times in the past where she has vehemently opposed certain actions which I was contemplating to take. There is a balance with her and that is why I listen.

There is enough craziness in my life to make some of the strongest people I know break down. It is the state of mind that I am currently in that is really making the difference for me. It isn’t that I am not letting these things get to me. That would imply that I am putting effort into not being affected by these issues. The fact is I do not even try to stay happy or focused or anything. I make no effort at all beyond thinking about the possibilities the future holds. I kind of just accept it all for what it is and in so doing nothing hurts right now. It is almost like I transcended some sort of barrier by simply taking a different perspective. The self doubt thing is a bit different in that it is myself that questions my actions and almost my very being. When that happens nothing can protect you, because I believe that it is only oneself that can truly destroy everything you are.

Some people may think that I am still experiencing the ‘travel residue’ or ‘travel nostalgia.’ Well, it has been a month since I got back. Not feeling very nostalgic. Although I do feel very alive whenever I think about that trip…

The 'S' Inquisition

Self doubt is a real pain in the ass. I keep going through bouts of self interrogation. This past weekend I spent most of my time questioning my motives and maybe trying to justify people’s suggestions or arguments against my decision to repatriate. I do not think that there is a critic out there that is more critical of me than myself. Therein lies the problem. As soon as the opportunity arises for me to criticize my own motives the damage can be paramount to the decisions I made or the direction in which I want to change. This is the point where outside counsel is extremely important. It seems so juvenile, though, to search for reassurance, especially when you know you are in a situation where there are very few people who would offer such a thing.

I must admit that this whole self-interrogation thing is a part of who I am. I have always done this for as long as I can remember; I play as my own devil’s advocate. I used to call it my ‘failsafe mode.’ I like to cover all angles. I approach a lot of things in this manner; I like to see every possibility that I can. Despite how much I want to completely change a significant amount of aspects about myself, there are just some things abut me that will always be the same. This is one of them. Is it a good or a bad thing? I do not know. I guess the most important thing is that I do not let it consume me like it used to.

When it did I became so full of fear. Primarily fearful of failure and secondarily fearful of being alone. Fear was probably one of the the main underlying reason why my realionship with my exgirlfriend broke apart. We held on to each other beacause we wanted the safe route to a dream which required a bit more daring.

I think I have this undercontrol, I just need some reassurance.

Kindred Spirits

Nothing feels better than connecting with someone you know you are meant to connect with. It is like as soon as you lock eyes with that person you instantly know. It is a bit scary, exciting and just awesome . A lot of your energy just starts to focus on that person and you get a rush like you've known that person for ages. The best is when they disagree with you because that is when you know they think for themselves. Not jut another "yes" person. They are the ones without the conditions, these connections do not have expiration dates. They would never use anything against you, feel like you owe them something, or feel like they deserve better. They just are, and for that they are beautiful. I am lucky enough to have three such people in my life. They have always unconditionally reached across and never backed away. There is a very special connection with all of them, unlike others to whom you would have to tell all your problems to verbatim, these three pick up on it without having to see me, without being near me at all. Two live 8 hrs from me and the other is just even farther away. I will refer to them as the Rock, the Forest and the Ocean. The Forest always calls when I am going through significant changes in my life. I don't have to tell her, she just calls, out of the blue. The Rock, who lives close to the Forest, is like a solid foundation. No matter what I am going through he will be there and always has been, unconditionally. The Ocean, the newest addition to the all star line up, is the most intense at the moment. I can't even begin to describe that connection because it just surpasses so many expectations of what you look for in another human being. This is my support group. It is hard not having them around on a regular basis but I am lucky enough just to have found them in the first place. They are just a phone call away and that is all that is needed. Sure, you always need a support group around you but if you have your all star line up you are good to go. Having an immediate support group is great logistically and technically, but finding kindred spirits is a different story. That connection transcends almost all barriers. The Rock and the Forest are settling down, not with each other mind you. My good friend Mr. Rock got married not too long ago. I was a groomsman for his wedding and I am very proud to say that it was my first groomsman role. It will be great to have those two as anchors. Ms. Forest is going to get married soon and I will be there for that too. I have to be, she won't have it otherwise. Ms. Ocean is not settled down. To me she represents what the right perspective on life should be. Or, should I say, what I believe the right perspective on life as well. Without their support this process which I am undergoing would be so intense and would probably break me. Just like working out, you break the muscles and they reform "stronger." I would break and the whole molding process would begin anew. Before it hits me I am back to who I did not want to become and would pass off this "realization thing" as some form of vacation residue. It is funny how that is what most people want me to go through. They want to see me crumble and just be the 'same ol' me' that everyone remembers and liked. It is easier that way you know.

I have to say that there are two other people that have been there for me before. One of them does not know what I am going through right now just because he is far away. The other knows and has been great at just helping me through all of this. I don’t call them kindred spirits but these two are my “Leave Your Bullshit At The Door” kind of guys. They make sure that I am always having a good time, and they do their best to do the same for themselves!! I will refer to them as Mr. Rhyme and Mr. Lovin’.

Mr. Rhyme lives on the other side of this country. He is pursuing his dreams and took the big step of leaving this miserable place to do so, all on his own. He has never been one to settle down. He has always been there whenever I needed it. Unlike my three other friends he cannot tell when things are going wrong but he certainly knows ho to cheer me up.

Mr. Lovin’ is even more of a free spirit. Talk about a guy that is not tied down. He is definitely a happy go lucky kind of person. When he gets lucky he gets really lucky, although he hits the extremes and bad luck hits just as hard as good luck does. The great thing about him is that he can take just about anything life hurls at him and still hold a smile.

Mr. Rhyme and Mr. Lovin’ are actually very important people in my life in that they also keep things in perspective for me. They remind me to have a good time, that we all have our problems to deal with. Without these two I would have found myself in some definitely unhappy ruts.

Fortunately for me I have these people in my life. Not many others can say that, well, they may be able to but I wonder how well they know their friends, are they willing to put up with your shit? How long for? Are they even actually going to be there?

Seeing Through Them...

It is interesting to know that in order to see your friends’ true colors simply wait for a situation in which their priorities must be put into question. Not just any kind of situation where they can make something up, but a situation in which they can either stand to gain or to lose. There has to be some sort of incentive otherwise they can just say whatever they wish and be convincing of it. Throughout this process which I am undergoing I notice that a lot of true colors begin to come out.

I have started to see and hear that the people I used to call my close friends are not that at all. In fact, it seems as if though they would rather listen to your story out of amusement and as a source of gossip rather than for what it is. The worst is when they present their case as to why you could trust them. In my case I listened to one person lie to my face about certain things going on in their world after having been assured that my trust in them is being reciprocated. Quite frankly I do not care what goes on in other people’s lives so long as I am not involved. I do not care if people want to share their issues and secrets with me after telling them mine. What I do not appreciate is being lied to for the sake of creating a false sense of reciprocation or a sense of mutual trust.

I find it amusing, and unfortunate, how people feel like they have to go through the motions and protocols of what a meaningful friendship is supposed to be like. As if though there were a recipe for making a strong friendship. I know some people that are so touched by the feeling of a true friendship that they begin to fear the loss of it, like an addict. The fear consumes them and they start to look for ways to hold on, as if though they are looking for some sort of collateral to hedge against such a loss. I find that these people become that way because they themselves are unable to extend such feelings so they create false and empty reasons as to WHY the other person cannot simply walk away from them. This one is hard for me to explain.

In essence I am simply seeing what people are all about when it comes to friendships. I am finding that some of my friends spend more energy trying to create some sort of stereotypical meaning (despite how fake it is) as opposed to simply being and letting oneself go and eventually growing a natural and meaningful friendship. It is like that one guy in your class back in college who spends more time trying to cheat than actually studying (there is always one in each class). Had they focused that much energy into studying as opposed to cheating they would probably be stellar students.

Despite this I am still hopeful that I will make great friendships in the future. I know and am fortunate enough to have great spirits in my life as it is.

Taking Apart the Machine

End of the line for the Machine, it is off and now it is time to take it apart. Dismantling the 4.7 year-old machine is proving to be quite an intense process. You discover so much about yourself that you would not have otherwise seen. It is like taking apart all the things you held close to you. You start to see how removed you are from the life you used to live. Sometimes you pull off a piece that was reminiscent of such a beautiful time, how happy you once were in this little universe you created and shared with people you once held so very close. An old apartment, a picture of your puppy, vacation pictures, gifts...it is quite an intense process. It makes you question your decision to become this new person. This rush of sadness hits you full force and moves like blood draining from your face. Some people crack at that point and eagerly go running back to what they knew. I cannot do such a thing for various reasons. Primarily, I have nothing to run back to and everything to run towards. I always keep that in mind during these surreal times. Being alone in this world I am in can get really stressful and simply giving up and running back seems to be the easier way out sometimes...instant comfort, so much easier. It would be a lie though. An illusion.

Part of this process includes all the people I called friends. Sifting through all of them and seeing who has been genuine, who has hidden agendas and some maybe just crazy...and not in that fun way. Loyalties are easily shown when put under intense pressure, I mean you really do see true colors come out. Even with people you thought were very close, like your exgirlfriend...it is scary to think how much they actually care for you, because apparently (in my case) it is not all that much. I am not bitching, really I promise. I have become so detached from the life I have here that the only people left that can hurt me are nowhere near this forsaken city. They are able to hurt me simply because they are the closest to me. No one here is close to me now, they just do not know me anymore to be close. Most people like to think they are, they have no idea.

It is a lonely process, but trust me when I say that I have never been happier since I got to this country. I know I am heading in the right direction, I know that there is more to life than this, I know that I just saved myself from a miserable and meaningless existence. Those facts in addition to my friends abroad and my two close friends in the US are keeping me together.

The last part of the dismantling process is my exit strategy. I have an estimated time frame laid out and all lights are green for implementation. This plan of mine seems to have caused some uproar with some friends, I just do not think they see the bigger picture though. It is hard when you’re on the outside and they are on the inside...the very thing you want to get away from. Some friends just won't accept the fact that I am leaving the US altogether. It is as if they almost deny that fact as a whole.

The fact that people here do not believe in me is probably the hardest thing I am dealing with at the moment. I cannot wait to leave this all behind, away from the critics and away from the crazies. It is as if though every plan would never work in their eyes. I look back at who I turned into here and realize that I too was becoming like that. It seems as if every time they hear someone talk about their dreams and pursuing it they try to knock you down to their level or lower just to get off on it. Just to feel better about themselves because they don't have the balls to make the move on their own. I am out of here people, accept it....

I have entered Phase 1, lets see how things roll on from here out.

Paradise Revisited at the Height of the Epoch

It is always intriguing to get what you want and then realize you do not want it. I fought so hard to stay here in the US and now I look at what the Machine has produced and it is not what I thought it was going to create. It is important to note at this point that part of the idea of the Machine includes my friends here and is not strictly about my exgirlfriend and I. The Machine encompasses everything I have here but it was born from my exgirlfriend and I in that it would not have been born had it not been for the both of us.

My time in Europe had significant ramifications in that it reminded me of who I was. I found that box that I hid from myself! I cannot take full credit for that though, I was helped. Time and a strong person led me to see who I really am, once again.

I remember now what I love, what I look for in people and what really drives me. I have not recovered that 'feeling' I had on the island in Thailand. That is yet to come; although now I know that it is possible to find that feeling again. I rediscovered two things while away, one is the powerful connection that you can make with people if they are willing to understand. I missed that a lot and I did not realize how much I missed that until I saw and felt it again. It makes such a difference in your daily life to have people who are not necessarily close but are willing to understand you instead of push you down in some way in order to get off on whatever it is they get off on. That in itself is the basis of a potentially great friendship; the desire to understand.

The second thing I rediscovered was that I was happy again. I realized that there was something huge missing in my life and I found it again. I guess it is the feeling that I actually know that I can be happy in life so long as I let myself be so. It is also good to know that there are people who are willing to understand. In that light I gained a new perspective and approach to life. Instead of putting aside what makes me happy I truly want to pursue it, not just expect it to be some sort of byproduct of success. It is the other way around; success is the byproduct of doing something you truly love, the money will just follow.

Finding a place to have meaningful experiences is something I would like to pursue immediately. I think I would be able to call Switzerland home. It is a very strange thought for me but I think it just may be possible. I met some great people there and I believe that with their help I can definitely find a way to create life changing experiences in my birthplace. I am not saying I want to live there forever, but it is the easiest way for me to continue my career and get out of the US. Knowing how life works though I just may end up back in the US within the next 3-5 years after I leave.

It feels good to know that happiness is out there, no I need to re-state that...If I say that then I am making the same mistake as the last time by removing it from myself as if though happiness were an entity of its own....It feels good to know that I am happy again, that it is inside me and something that I can run away to. I know what good people are, I know what life means to me now. For the longest time I was looking for that person inside me who I liked so much. I have found myself again and it feels good to know that I am in touch with that. My standard for friends has also changed. I am no longer blind to so much of the crap that people front, I can see through that now. I no longer am looking at my friends but instead I try to feel them and understand them. Unfortunately, what I have been discovering has been sad. I now realize that the people I thought would always be there are in fact not there for me at all.

This inner change that I have gone through has created so much turmoil in my life here in the US. My perspective just does not fit here. I am fine with that though. My new perspective has also put the Machine into center stage. What to do with this monster? I look at this behemoth that we have created and there is but one solution; The 'Off' switch. My relationship with my exgirlfriend was so closely tied to what we thought we wanted that in order to get away from the people that we have become we both made the mutual decision to go our own ways. We were in love with the wrong people, and now we have to find those two people again. The Machine had changed us and hindered us so much that we need to get away and do all those things we wanted to do originally.

I am now stuck in a world where I do not feel anyone truly understands me. I question the validity of many of my friendships and know that there are a couple of them that just need to end. Things aren't peachy here for me anymore, but that is alright. Inside I know what makes me happy and it just makes all these problems, issues and feelings of isolation look like technicalities and minor bumps in the road. Nothing gets me through the day more than knowing that there are people out there like me, that I am a happy person despite the fact that the world I have created is falling down around my shoulders. As all of this falls down around me I sit and watch as that perfect sunset breaks through like the light through a canopy.

I am taking apart this machine one by one, it will take time but when I do, that is when I will be gone. I will leave one day and live the life I should have lived with people I can truly cherish being with...

The Machine

Coming to US when I did was the best thing I could have done for my future. I learned so much more here than I could have possibly learned anywhere else. I took very well to the competitive and driven environment. The US environement completely complemented my drive to succeed and my master plan. What I did not notice was the personality and character shifting that was taking place. I met someone who held the same values I did and together we became a team focused on making our money and going to Asia. We thought that we were different from everyone else, that thought could not have been farther from the truth.

We both had our own ideas of what would make us happy in life but we both decided to put that to the side and focus on making our money first. Something inside her though kept rebelling, and the monster in me would keep her in check thinking that I was doing this for the benefit of us both. I derailed things for her, but I cannot accept full blame, I never held her agaist her will to do anything despite the fact that I would use words to convnce her to rethink her plans. In any case the machine was born.

That being said I also began to push away my family. For a time I thought that they would only get in the way of things, that their approach to things are too hectic and disorienting. I focused on myself and my girlfriend, that was all that mattered.

On the outside everything seemed perfect, the job, the car, the girlfriend, the dog. Young and successful right? Inside, the two of us were dying. The people we fell in love with were sick with a cancer. Day by day we would long for what we were and what those people wanted in life. The machine had taken its toll. Eventually we would find ourselves in love with people who only existed as a memory.

As a part of my success story I got sponsord for an H1B work visa. It is a long process with lots of hoops and not enough visas to go around. Basically, as an international, this visa is the next best thing to a greencard..unless you get an A visa which is diplomatic, in any case, kids would kill for this little sticker in my passport. Part of the process was fo me to leave the US, go home to Switzerland and finish off the application process. And so I went, the ramifications of my sojourn were so significant...


If you are interested in reading what occurred during my trip go to http//www.burningdownhighways.blogspot.com - More specifically read the posting entitled 'Raison D'etre –

Paradise Lost

Living in Thailand (between 1996 - 1999, and the majority of 2000), was the last time I remember being happy, truly happy. Everything in my environment at that time was conducive to my being happy. I emphasize "at that time" because now, at this point in my life, that environment (if it still existed) would definately not supplement or nourish my happiness. I would not grow. In fact I remember that when I left Bangkok in 1999, as much as I loved Thailand, I was ready to go. It was the first time in my life that I was willing to let go of something I loved because I knew that there was somethng better in the horizon. I also knew that staying in Bangkok would not get me anywhere career wise and that was the first time I sacrificed something I held close to my heart for what I thought would make me happy and successful in the long run. 'Bangkok would always be there' I told myself....

In 1999 I went to London for University. At that time I was studying Psychology, don't ask why. I was happy in my autonomous microcosm which I created and had been dreaming of while I was in Thailand. It was what I wanted at that time, I think it was due to all the books I was into prior to my arrival to Europe; Camus, Marleaux, Orwell, Nietzsche, Tolstoy...in any case I totally romanticised the idea of being in Europe and I reveled in my time in the sun (or in this case the overcast and rainy atmosphere) like a pig in mud.

At that time in my life I embraced the idea of being free physically, spitirutally and mentally. I took it all in, I enjoyed my coffee and cigarettes in the cool mornings and late evenings with friends. I liked conversations with random people in pubs. I listened a lot and developed an addiction to listening to people's stories and getting underneath to see what they are really all about. This addiction grew and grew and eventually became an undying need to try and understand everything and everyone I came into contact with. To this day I have retained and refined that hobby. I was always open to what life was going to throw my way. In fact I thought I could handle just about anything it did throw my way by smiling and taking it head on...

It was in 2000 that everything changed for me. The one thing I held so close to me was taken away; my freedom. While visiting my family in Bangkok for Christmas I did my annual physical checkup. Apparently, the doctor found a lump in my upper right lung which, of course, is no laughing matter at all. I ended up getting pulled out of school and was subjected to months and months of scanning, testing and doctor visitations. This concluded years later when they decided it was nothing at all. My physical freedom was partially paralyzed, my spirit was broken because I thought that I was being held back, and with all these things going on, my mind decided that something had to be done, that when all of this is over I am going to need to catch up to all of my colleagues because I did not want to be that guy who screwed up after high school. I did not want to fall behind.

A couple of months into the endless testing I decided that I need to get out of the city and so I travelled the southern islands of Thailand. I did the full moon parties, back when they were at their purer forms, I did the treks and the waterfalls and rented bikes and slept on beaches. I began to cherish the idea of paradise and fell in love with it all over again. Everything came together for me on an island in the east coast of Thailand. It was definatly life changing. I was watching the sun go down on the beach one night and noticed that it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. So many colors that I thought could not even possibly be in a sunset. It was an orchestra of red, blue, violet, green, orange, yellow, black, white, pink, peach, marigold...it was perfect.

I sat on the beach with my elbows on my knees sensing everything in my environment. The sand between my toes, the imprint I was leaving in the sand, the warm tropical waters teasing my feet drawing me towards the ocean, calling me to feel her warm embrace. The feel of a cold beer in my hands, the smell of tropical coconut sunscreen on my face, the fresh feeling of having taken a shower and the residual feeling of waves rhythmically flowing throughout my body as if though it were dancing around my very life force. It was the breeze that brought it all toghether. The warm topical breeze cooling the sunburn on my very brown face, it rustled the palm trees which was to me a calming voice, the crashing waves representing the definitive feeling of being home. This is my home, this feeling is my home, I longed for it and missed it even before I left it. I made the decision that this is what I would fight for in life, this feeling...

The longing for that state of being was so intense I had to incorporate my drive for success into a grand plan with a specific focus: Make a crap load of money and use it to supplement a life of living on a beach. I became obsessed with getting my financial plan together that I decided to isolate what I held precious to me, put it in a box only to open it later when I have accomplished my goals. Not only do you put away a memory, or a feeling but you have to put a part of yourself away. I did that in the hopes that I could preserve it. Unfortunately, this changes you so much to the point where you forget where you hid that precious little box. I could no longer find it and three years later I find myself looking at a picture of that same sunset saying 'I wish I could be there again, to have that feeling again.' It was not until six months after that realization that I finally understood that the feeling I was craving was really a part of who I was back then. So I started to look back at myself and thought, 'God, you were so much more back then. You did not have anything but you were so much more. Paradise was inside of you the whole time!'

I lost paradise; I had it and I threw it away thinking that I would be able to bury it like a treasure chest and that I would someday return to it. It would be another three years before I would find that person, before I would find the way back again.......

X marks the Spot

L'Etranger

I have lived here in the US for six years. Nowhere else could I have gone from working a cash register in a local McDonald's to a great position with a corporate banking firm in that time frame. I have more than tripled my net income, graduated from college and secured a LEGAL working visa. All these things, these great things, so coveted by other international people in my position...but at such a price.

Of all the places I have lived in, the US has been home for the longest and it will be the least memorable. This place is simply my office and my school. I can only say that I have met less than a handful of people here whom I will hold close to in my life, and even fewer that I will remain in contact with within the next three to five years. The experiences I have had here have not impacted my personal, spiritual and inner growth. In fact, I would say that since I have been here I have lost touch with a lot of who I was. That is the price I paid to get to where I am now.

One could argue that I did not make enough of an effort to assimilate. On the contrary I have a significant amount of friends in the US that are spread accross the country. There is not one weekend I am not invited to some sort of gathering. There seems to be a stigma that if you are not enjoying yourself or finding yourself a stranger in a different place, that you must not have friends or know people or the right people. I know a lot of people, from drug dealers to CEOs. All the wrong and right people. My point is the obsession here with oneself has watered down the quality of friendships and interaction. Perhaps that is the wrong approach. Let me re-phrase. The culture of self-interest has created an atmosphere of success and great oppertunity despite the high cost of less human compassion and the inability to consider another's position. I myself was a part of this atmosphere.

The problem is not this fact, this is the US and I accept it for what it is. This blog is not being created to critisize the US, in fact it is to document the hardships of my realizations. Over the past few months I underwent a re-introduction to who I really am and what I gave up. I had to become someone else in order to assimilate and become successful here. By realizing these things I have made myself a stranger in this countrty. After all the challenges of getting to where I am, after having assimilated, and after six years of thinking this was what I had always wanted; I made it. Now I want out....

Je suis étranger dans ma nouvelle maison.