So Are You Leaving?

So I have been trying to get out of this country for the better part of a year now. I didn't realize how tough this was going to be but I am still trying. In a way I feel like it is easier to lose focus and just submit to the idea of staying put. At times I also feel like I am not making any progress but this is not true. I am making progress in that I am still accomplishing and setting out to do things which get me closer to making my exit and also, more importantly, I am doing things I never used to do before. Quite frankly, I don't know how I would be able to handle having to move next month if I so happen to get an offer so soon. I mean, there would just be so much to do. Also, maybe it is not my time just yet. I know that my inevitable departure is coming but everyday that I am here I am forced to consider so many new developments which present themselves to me. They are great developments in my life that will probably change it forever. Given the fact that these developments occurred, what would have happened had I left earlier? I can spend all day speculating could'ves and would'ves but instead I'd rather relish in how things are playing out in my life at the moment. Yes, I have a mountain of issues I would like to resolve - but at the end of the day, I am happy. Everyday I find another reason for me to be happy. Already, I feel as if though I have succeeded in life on three significant levels. I really don't think that there is much that can get in my way anymore except myself. My impatience could get the best of me and that is why it is important for me to be able to step back and say, "You are doing the right thing, and you are doing what you have to in order to get what you want." This entire process of change that I have undergone over the past nine months is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It scares me to think that I was so ready to throw away my youth for the sake of security not so long ago. At this very moment I still get that itch to make more money, to do more...more more more. I will, I know myself well enough. In fact I am setting things up in my life in order to do so, I’m just not as obsessed about it nor, I have decided, will I give up having fun in life in order to make it. Over the next couple of months I think things will be a little low profile for me. No huge changes or maneuvers, but a lot of small ones. Small changes and maneuvers that set me up for where I want to be in my life. Why and how can I be so naive you ask? Well, I know that if you align things in your life properly, you will get what you want eventually. If you focus every minute of the day on trying to accomplish what it is you want in life, you get closer to accomplishing it. Sometimes you are lucky enough to realize that you may not be on the path you thought you wanted to be on, and hopefully you have the chance to change things for the better. This year has been bringing out new surprises all the time. People, challenges, situations and things keep on presenting themselves. Every time this happens the landscape of my future before me shifts into something different. Realizations seem to be occurring everyday for me, solidifying many of my thoughts and feelings about who I am. There is a lot of internal work that needs to be done but when isn't there? Not bad things that need to be resolved, lets just say that I am doing my best to maintain who I am now. My future is being determined in a very important way at the moment. It is just hard to maintain patience sometimes. In all honesty I really should not be complaining too much about life. I just wish I was doing something better with it, something I enjoy doing.

Next month marks the one year anniversary since I left for Europe. My whole life changed from that moment on. I remembered who I was on the inside and a lot of extreme changes took place. Extreme changes which needed to happen. In many ways I have already left, I left behind everything that I did not like about myself. I recreated who I am and in the end proved to be a better person. I cannot say that I am leaving this country just yet, the opportunity has not presented itself to me. It also appears that there are unresolved issues internally and externally which need to be addressed. I still know that I will leave soon; I guess "soon" is quite subjective.

This blog has been very helpful in getting everything together, getting my thoughts in order. More importantly it has helped me get over the fear of releasing my thoughts and feelings into the world. I have decided to stop hiding now, expressing myself through this blog has been like releasing a mounting pile of thoughts. I believe that now it is time to unburden the web with my unorganized, unfocused blabbering. It is time for me to be able to look people in the face and be able to express these thoughts to them face to face.

This is not my last posting. My last posting will be when I finally have the chance to leave. I am also starting up another blog relating to what I know best, Travelling; my first true love. I’ll post the new address when it is ready. Until then….see you around.