1104W

I remember the day so clearly and the feelings associated with it. It was a beautiful day, blue skies, the DC humidity had not set in yet so the cool breeze soothed our skin. We were a bit apprehensive of this place but at the same time a bit anxious to find a new place quite soon seeing as we had to move out of her place by the end of the month.

She was wearing a white t-shirt that hugged her form completely. Accenting her hourglass figure perfectly. It went well with the peach and white flower print satin skirt she wore. 8315 N Brook Lane. We drove there, Patsy sat between her legs on the passenger side and looked up at both of us during the entire ride. Two large brown orbs reflecting pure love and admiration. We pulled up to the front of the west building, already impressed with the surroundings, how suitable for Patsy we thought, but still apprehensive about leaving the District. As we got out of my car she asks me to hold Patsy’s leash for a second while she gathered her things. We’ll do this one like we always did, she asks the smart questions and I criticize the place and try to read the guy. We walk up to the main entrance and the landlord greets us. It was the lighting, size of the bedroom and the fact that they welcomed pets that sold us.

The feeling of walking into that empty one bedroom with her, looking at it, saying, “this is our place,” the feeling of hope and of having a future, it seems like it is so fresh in my memory. It is that feeling of hope, love and a sense that this very moment presented so many possibilities for our future. Our feelings for each other gave life to the place, the entire apartment lived off of our love, it was everywhere. It was such an adventurous feeling.

That was one year ago to the day. We never really, truly had the opportunity to live together in that place. I guess that is why that feeling of a new beginning still seems so fresh in my mind. It never got the chance to blossom, it was uprooted prematurely from my heart and mind.

By the time I returned from Europe the place of hope suddenly became a prison. When Patsy and her left, it was much worse. That feeling became more pronounced and worse yet it was the type of feeling that has two extremely sharp edges. When wrapped in a blanket of love it is one of the best feelings in the world which strikes and fills the heart with beauty, but when exposed to emptiness it is cold and pierces the soul like a sudden sharp pain in your stomach.

The walls which once emanated warmth became cold and unloving. As if though water which had once lightly traversed across its surface making its way down the wall had been frozen in time. A hollow reminder of what once was surrounded me. Winter had just begun and it felt to me like it had made its way into my home and into my soul.

I fought it. I did not let that feeling win, and I proved victorious in the end.

I was such a different person one year ago. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Yet the feelings never really change. I mean, I may not feel the same about certain things like I used to but at the same time I cannot deny the feelings I did have. I believe that people never truly forget what those moments really felt like. I think people bury those feeling with other thoughts, and I also believe people let others bury those feelings for them, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet they are still there somewhere, hidden.

I think that one of the biggest steps I have learned to take is to accept how I feel, what I have felt in the past and not deny its place in my life. This goes for the people in my life as well. There are some people that mean so much to me who will always be in my heart whether or not they accept that. I may not talk to them that often, or at all anymore, but they mean a lot to me, just like all of those feelings. In so comparing, people bury the memories of those once close to them as well, and people usually allow others to help them bury the memory of those people, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet those people are still there somewhere in the world, and at one time they occupied a place in your heart whch may now be vacant yet, like 1104W, still emanates, even if just so slightly, those feelings that were there when they did occupy that space.

I say "protecting" because I learned that, that is exactly what it is. If it were growth then you would accept it and cherish it much like every good and bad experience. If I had a choice to live life over again and change things, I would not change a thing at all - - why? First off in order to make that decision I need all 25 years of my experience to come to such conclusions as to what to change in my life. Second, to want to change something in one's life seems to me such an unhappy thing, was it that bad? Then again I can only say this for myself and no one else.

1104W will always be an important part of my life. As much as I dislike the place, it represents so much to me. It was like an incubator, I grew up a lot, changed a lot from there. It was my third home in the DC area and I learned a lot from my experiences throughout the duration of my residence.

I miss it already, and yet I am radiating happiness. It was the final physical anchor I had to her and my leaving Whitehall completes the entire process of separation between her and I. The fact that there is absolutely no excuse to see or speak to each other ever again will prove to be quite the experience. It is a bit melancholy to think that after such a prolonged time of intimacy, the end result is a penetrating silence. I would be a liar to say that I no longer think about her despite the sea of emotions we have placed between us. Yet, if it must be so for the sake of happiness, for the sake of finding one's own inner fire and letting it grow...ergo; Carpe Diem!