Looking Back, Forwards, Up and Down

My life is full of mini ambitions and I am not quite sure how to put them alltogether. I think of last year - the learning experience, the growth, the pain, the fun and lonliness. It is like little fragments of yourself, each a personality of its own, and who you are is determined by which one of those little guys dominates your soul and eventually your brain.

I am moving out again. Another marker in my long list of notches indicating the various changing points in my life. Seems like the older you get the more of these you notice. I have to accept the fact that I am obsessed with change and most of all observing it. Internal changes are my forte.

I turned 26 a couple of months ago. Realized there was still so much that I want to stuff into my twenties before moving on to the dreaded 30s. No offense to anyone out there readng this 30+.

Wedding season is definatley all around me, all my friends that is. It is like every other person is getting married. I went to two in Oct, one of which I was in. Friends from the past are married, more are getting engaged, it seems like I am planning to go to weddings more so than I am planning to go on vacation which is simply faux pax in my world.

Speaking of traveling, my life's blood, I am thinking of a couple of places to visit. I am overdue for a visit back to S.E.A, so that is on my list for the summer. I was also considering Brazil and perhaps somewhere in Sud America. The thought keeps me going.

Yes - I am still in the US. The District is quite hard to get out of, not sure what it is exactly about this place, and I don't say that in a loving way, more like that feeling of having an invisible strand of hair on your face that you can't find. You end up loking like an idiot trying to get it off of your face until the feeling subides and you return to idiot mode again when it reappears seemingly moments later.

My blogs keep me going. Colliding Continents is my new baby and I am doing pretty well with it, not enough time in the day though. Go figure. It is this real world work thing that gets in the way.

You looking for me?

I'll explain later, just check this out for now....

http://www.collidingcontinents.com/

So Are You Leaving?

So I have been trying to get out of this country for the better part of a year now. I didn't realize how tough this was going to be but I am still trying. In a way I feel like it is easier to lose focus and just submit to the idea of staying put. At times I also feel like I am not making any progress but this is not true. I am making progress in that I am still accomplishing and setting out to do things which get me closer to making my exit and also, more importantly, I am doing things I never used to do before. Quite frankly, I don't know how I would be able to handle having to move next month if I so happen to get an offer so soon. I mean, there would just be so much to do. Also, maybe it is not my time just yet. I know that my inevitable departure is coming but everyday that I am here I am forced to consider so many new developments which present themselves to me. They are great developments in my life that will probably change it forever. Given the fact that these developments occurred, what would have happened had I left earlier? I can spend all day speculating could'ves and would'ves but instead I'd rather relish in how things are playing out in my life at the moment. Yes, I have a mountain of issues I would like to resolve - but at the end of the day, I am happy. Everyday I find another reason for me to be happy. Already, I feel as if though I have succeeded in life on three significant levels. I really don't think that there is much that can get in my way anymore except myself. My impatience could get the best of me and that is why it is important for me to be able to step back and say, "You are doing the right thing, and you are doing what you have to in order to get what you want." This entire process of change that I have undergone over the past nine months is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It scares me to think that I was so ready to throw away my youth for the sake of security not so long ago. At this very moment I still get that itch to make more money, to do more...more more more. I will, I know myself well enough. In fact I am setting things up in my life in order to do so, I’m just not as obsessed about it nor, I have decided, will I give up having fun in life in order to make it. Over the next couple of months I think things will be a little low profile for me. No huge changes or maneuvers, but a lot of small ones. Small changes and maneuvers that set me up for where I want to be in my life. Why and how can I be so naive you ask? Well, I know that if you align things in your life properly, you will get what you want eventually. If you focus every minute of the day on trying to accomplish what it is you want in life, you get closer to accomplishing it. Sometimes you are lucky enough to realize that you may not be on the path you thought you wanted to be on, and hopefully you have the chance to change things for the better. This year has been bringing out new surprises all the time. People, challenges, situations and things keep on presenting themselves. Every time this happens the landscape of my future before me shifts into something different. Realizations seem to be occurring everyday for me, solidifying many of my thoughts and feelings about who I am. There is a lot of internal work that needs to be done but when isn't there? Not bad things that need to be resolved, lets just say that I am doing my best to maintain who I am now. My future is being determined in a very important way at the moment. It is just hard to maintain patience sometimes. In all honesty I really should not be complaining too much about life. I just wish I was doing something better with it, something I enjoy doing.

Next month marks the one year anniversary since I left for Europe. My whole life changed from that moment on. I remembered who I was on the inside and a lot of extreme changes took place. Extreme changes which needed to happen. In many ways I have already left, I left behind everything that I did not like about myself. I recreated who I am and in the end proved to be a better person. I cannot say that I am leaving this country just yet, the opportunity has not presented itself to me. It also appears that there are unresolved issues internally and externally which need to be addressed. I still know that I will leave soon; I guess "soon" is quite subjective.

This blog has been very helpful in getting everything together, getting my thoughts in order. More importantly it has helped me get over the fear of releasing my thoughts and feelings into the world. I have decided to stop hiding now, expressing myself through this blog has been like releasing a mounting pile of thoughts. I believe that now it is time to unburden the web with my unorganized, unfocused blabbering. It is time for me to be able to look people in the face and be able to express these thoughts to them face to face.

This is not my last posting. My last posting will be when I finally have the chance to leave. I am also starting up another blog relating to what I know best, Travelling; my first true love. I’ll post the new address when it is ready. Until then….see you around.

Final Tour

My last few days in Nigeria revolved around shopping and one intense tour through the capital city.

I was fortunate enough to have the ambassador's driver give me a personal tour of the capital city. We started off with the basics: Government institutions. One rule to remember about Nigeria is that you need special permission to take pictures within a federal zone or take pictures of federal buildings (i.e. government buildings, the airport etc). If caught doing so your camera would be confiscated and destroyed. Therefore despite my ambitious attempts, I was unable to capture any good shots of the National Assembly (Capitol building) or any of the other federal institutions. I was fortunate enough to be driven through the restricted compounds and presidential residence since we had the ambassador's car ans diplomatic access.

Our next theme was natural surroundings. We explored the lakes around Abuja eventually leading us to the dam. Interestingly enough the construction plans around the lake seemed quite amazing...despite the fact that they are still in proposal stage and have been for the better part of two years. At the moment only the expatriates working for ABB live on the prime lakeside properties. There seems to be a lot of ambitious hope and expectations for this city. The damn that we visited, when fully functional, is expected to solve all of Abuja's water issues. A magnificent sight, the water seemed to stretch as far as the eye could see. Hilltops became islands and the reservoir a popular fishing spot amongst the local villagers.

The natural surroundings of Abuja are beautiful. Green hills and giant rocks seem to encircle the entire city. Aso rock, one of the largest rocks in the world, overlooks the capital and is a key landmark because it can be seen from any point in the city. In order to climb Aso rock, you need the blessings (permission) of the priests who guard it.

Near the damn was a village we drove through. This could have easily been the most intense part of my trip. We rode in the same Mercedes G Wagon which was used to pick me up from the airport. This is important to note because this car, despite it being an SUV, is not wide…neither were the streets. Nor was it exactly a smooth ride.

Driving through the village was like nothing I had ever seen. The pure state of poverty was overwhelming. I had the opportunity to take many great shots with my camera, but instead I held back. I was not goint to take a picture a picture out of admiration but shots that were trying to capture the state of poverty. Therefore I could not bring myself to pressdown on the shutter release. Who was I to do so? I am not an anthropologist, I am not a journalist, I am a visitor. I had no right to try and make any statements with my pictures because my audience would be a personal collection of people and the pictures I took would have been taken for the sake of entertainment.

I remember a sense of desperation come over me as we drove through the village. An innate feeling to run away from this dire situation. I could only imagine how the locals felt. There were naked children running in and out of houses made of clay, half naked women carrying their children, and trash everywhere. We passed through what seemed like the village center, where the locals were burning wood and gathering around looking at the half a million dollar vehicle drive through their existence. Its windows darkened completely showing only the reflection of their poverty bounce off of its luxurious facade right back at them. A hollow feeling lodged itself in my throat for the remainder of the afternoon.

After passng through the village we arrived at the clay pot factory run primarily by the local women. They gathered clay from the banks of a nearby river and shape their clay pots in the factory. When I say "factory" I mean to say a couple of small huts and about ten women. I bought a couple of them out of a combination of (primarily) guilt and the fact that they were extreemely cheap for what they were.

The last stop on the tour was a local palm wine bar...err...road-side set-up...however you would lable a shady area on the side of the road with wooden benches and two ladies serving palm wine out of two large palstic drums. Oh, not to mention that there were a lot of drunken faces. Apparently this location had the best palm wine. What exactly is palm wine? Well, its fermented palm milk. Its naturally fermenting in the heat so when its bottled and capped the pressure builds up in the bottle - - I didn't learn that until I eagerly brought home a large water bottle full of the stuff and unscrewed the lid, letting out a sudden burst of noxious fumes in the kitchen nearly forcing my family to temporarily evacuate the house. Needless to say the stuff is pretty strong and will put you on your backside faster that Butterbean can (Heavyweight boxer, YouTube him).

My final tour was eye openning at the least. I don't know if I'll be able to do that again but I am glad I did and I would definitely love to.

The Barracks

It seems as though I get a deeper and deeper understanding of what real Africa is like the longer I stay here. My father took my mother, brother and a coworker of his and I out for dinner one night. He took us to Abaja Baracks. Abaja Baracks is a military barracks installation in Abuja where there also happens to be a local open air market which, consequently, is run by the military. Having lived in numerous third world countries I thought I was prepared for the occasion.

The market was set up in a circular fashion with a one way, single lane street constituting the only walkway. All the shops were open faced and crammed together much like the items they offered for sale within. One thing I noticed about Abuja, Nigeria is that everyone seems to notice your presence wherever you may be. Not just as you walk on the street but even when you are being driven at 40 mph as you are observing people on the street they have an uncanny ability to lock eyes with you at the very last moment. Therefore you can imagine the intense sense of being observed which we felt as we made our way to the center of the market where the open air “restaurant” was.

The “restaurant” or, as I like to call it, the African food court, was situated in the center of the market. To access it you have to find one of the many small alleyways in between the shops. Once you break out of the alley and into the market square you are flushed into the chaos. There is movement everywhere, no solid concrete floor only puddles and mud. There are vendors of everything useless imaginable everywhere, the varied smells hit you in the face from every direction. Children walk around in tattered clothes, some naked and crying. Beggars at your feet; doing their best to survive with whatever limbs they have left. And yet, despite all of that I saw an infinite amount more of smiling faces.

The layout of the food court was very interesting. In the center, in a square-ish formation, were the women who grilled the food (and only women grilled the food). The grills were made of half barrels (barrels cut down the middle) on its side, with iron bars laid across the cut opening, supported by four metal poles, two on each side, forming an ‘X’. The grill resembled a trough with a fire burning underneath. Behind the women were the busboys (most likely their children, and only boys) who washed the platters and served the food. The women chefs and their children ran their own independent enterprises while the beverage and seating providers ran theirs. Basically, you come into the market and choose a place to sit. After having done that you walk around to see what the women had to offer and at what price. You select from the varied menu (grilled chicken or fish with an optional side of chips, err, fries) and indicate to the lovely chef where you are located. On this particular evening we settled on the fish.

The spot we chose to dine was a mere 10 feet from our chef’s grill. Prior to being seated our beverage server takes a small plastic water bottle filled with kerosene, its bottle cap pierced with several holes and administers small drops of the yellow fluid onto the table we were about to dine on. As a final touch, he spreads it over the entire surface with a damp rag. I thought he was absolutely mad and yet I was absolutely intrigued. Why in the world would you do that? Did I mention the flies? Yes, well, let’s do the math. African sun + fish + open air market + filth = Enough flies to blot out the sun. Hence, the application of kerosene onto the tables. Apparently they are repulsed by the odor and quite frankly I thought we would be as well. We did not notice it at all.

I am sure after reading all of this you would think, why would your dad do this to you? Well, you have to understand that I am from a family of travelers, places like these are what we are always looking for; the essence of the country we have the privilege of visiting. I was loving every minute of it. Unfortunately, my mother, coming from a third world country, was not impressed. Why should she after all, anyone who was born and raised their entire life in a third world country knows the number one objective is to get out of a third world situation. She kept insisting that there was no way her dad would ever take her to places like this in the Philippines. Despite her disgust at her surroundings she was doing her best to have fun, which she candidly gave credit to the fact that she had taken her anxiety pill prior to our arrival.

I felt absolutely silly in my green polo shirt and jeans. I thought about what an ass I might have looked like to all these people around me. Then again, would it make a difference to them what I wear or is the color of my skin enough to evoke such sentiments. I thought about what I could do to go local, and I nearly laughed out loud at the thought of myself in the local dress walking about town hoping that people would see me as an albino instead of a white person, or half white for that matter.

A little Nigerian boy arrived with plastic bowls of water and a bottle of dish washing detergent. I figured that this is the equivalent of lemon and warm water in some restaurants, and sure enough it was. Soon after this realization our little friend returned with our grilled fish and chips. The food was wonderful, the fish was grilled perfectly and I am now quite the fan of Nigerian spicy sauce. The fish was so good that my mother out ate all four men and we were forced to order another grilled fish bringing our total to three whole fish each measuring about a foot and a half long. I was thoroughly impressed with the evening and very proud that our approach to this country, much like all of the countries we have visited, paid off.

Later that evening I braced myself for any unpleasant consequences of the grilled fish. Nothing at all, and the same results to follow for two days. It was not until I had dinner at a family friend’s house (a wealthy Swedish family) that I had an upset stomach. What was on the menu that night? Potatoes, salad, filet medallions and gravy; Western food, go figure!

Nigeria! Jaga Jaga!

My father greeted me at the airport when I arrived. As he walked me to the armored Mercedes G Wagon, he explained how Nigeria could easily be second to South Africa as an economic power on the contnent. Yet, the race to get to the top has done so much to hinder the overall progress that could be attained. If only the populace and government could see beyond immediate gratification. Our driver greets us and takes my luggage, we approach our vehicle and the first thing that catches my attention is the AK-47 strapped around the shoulder of a uniformed man leaning on our car. Having hardly been exposed to guns in my life I nearly froze in my tracks as he approached me. My father, not noticing my apprehension looks back and immediately explains that the man was with us and his presence was simply protocol. I broke into a nervous smile, could not take my gaze off of the guard’s eyes and completely did not notice his outstretch hand until I was in the car. I made a note to shake his hand and thanked him as we arrived at the Embassy, if not for repairing any cultural insults but to make sure I was on the good side of the man with the Kalashnikov.

Nigeria. It seems as if every aspect of this country can be found in everyday living. Abuja, the capital seems to be in constant growth, yet repairs seem to be only secondary to it as opposed to an issue that should be just as important as infrastructure growth. Everywhere there are run down buildings next to newly built ones. Chaos and disorder seem to be the constant theme and the heat your constant friend. The loud and bright colors of the country starkly contrast the social backdrop in which they are set. At the beginning of my visit I started using a black and white setting on my camera, which I thought would dramatize my shots effectively, it did quite the opposite, it took away from the feeling of Africa. Colors, loud and bright colors characterize this country, and probably the entire continent, significantly better.

Getting a sense of daily life in Nigeria has been an interesting experience. Seeing how my family operates here has shown me a lot about expatriate life in Nigeria. Constant power outages, the luxury of backup generators, the importance of power surge protectors, the inefficiency of the internet, all of which can be seen as such a huge headache. In retrospect, as my father clearly pointed out, when things break down and you can’t do your work, no one gets on you about it. You can get frustrated, or since there is really nothing you can do about the situation, you go with it and enjoy that small luxury. As opposed to the US where, if something could not get done someone takes responsibility for it.

An example I would like to use to characterize Nigeria properly would be their oil situation. Petroleum is quite affordable here given the fact that Nigeria is one of the top oil producing countries. You would expect steady access to gasoline and no issues regarding shortages. Well, since the downstream process is so inefficient, shortages, long lines, strikes and price volatility are commonplace. I like using the oil situation to characterize the country because Nigeria is a resource rich country, yet they are unable to fully harness its potential.

Driving in Abuja is quite the adventure. Here is a suggestion, when driving in Nigeria; if your car does not have a good horn, you may as well not have an engine. My good friend once commented that drivers in NY City speak with their horns. Well, if that is the case, Honking is a national language here and a life saving necessity. Not only do people pay little attention to lane lines, but in many intersections traffic lights do not work and traffic controllers seem to only work part time. Luckily, on occasion, some lepers needing money have the backbone to stand at a busy intersection and take matters into their own hands. When neither are present it is you and your good friend Mr. Horn! Beep away in short notes and creep your way into oncoming traffic as you dare the left had turn.

Thus far my days in Abuja revolve around golfing, tennis, hanging out with family and pool time. The sun here is more than willing to help out with my quest for a tan. So much so that within two hours of pool time I managed to replicate the tan I had after five days in Mexico.

I had the opportunity to go to a local watering hole and experience Star Beer and Souja (Sue-ya). Star Beer is their domestic blend which is really not all that bad. Souja is a delicious thinly sliced grilled beef served with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and a pile of chili powder served on a small square of newspaper (goes wonderfully with beer). Are you crazy? You are eating street food? Of course I am! The essence of cultures are found in these little dishes. Yes I am alive and no I did not spend the day in the toilet. Then again I must warn you that I spent a significant percent of my life developing immunity to street food e-coli.

The bar we went to can be confused for a small outdoor concrete square in the middle of a ghetto with random plants, plastic tables and chairs. The small colorful light bulbs adorning the small banana trees add a lovely glow to the place. Beers are served only in half liter bottles and “cold” means varying degrees of temperatures to the locals, better to say “VERY cold” when ordering.

There are so many stories I can delve into. This adventure is amazing. Africa is a pretty cool place…if you don’t live here.

Forks In The Road, Forks In My Heart

Being here in Africa has given me the opportunity to think about my life at the moment and where my life is headed in the future. At the moment I am having a hard time deciding what it is that my heart is trying to say. Actually, I know what he is trying to say, but I am not sure if he should be saying it. I believe him, his message is strong and true - - yet I am scared to follow his words without question. At times I find myself seeking something solid, as if though I am asking for something, anything to let me know that he is right. It almost feels like I am asking God for a sign to tell me that I am doing the right thing. We all know that is too much to ask. That decisions like these determine one's future and current character. Everything that is my very being is insisting that I should just go with it, that it is what is meant to be. I am quite confused and yet at the same time quite happy. How? How is that possible? This is so because in the midst of all the confusion I think of all the amazing feelings, all the sensations I feel when I was with the most important person in my life. I hold close to my heart the very idea of what I would do and all that I could give with every atom of my exitence, to that person...and around me the whirlwind continues to howl. Ripping apart everything around me except for what is important. I should probably just follow my heart and trust in it...I just can't stop hoping for a sign though.

KLM, My New Favorite

I am in Africa. After 21 hours of travel I finally made it. I left straight from work last Friday, and the adventure began as soon as I left for the airport. You see, I am not a US citizen and therefore to work in the US I had to secure a visa, which I did. The catch is that you have to bring your proof of employment and all that kind of paperwork with you in order to return. This is precisely where my adventure begins. In the whirlwind of getting vaccinations, malaria pills, visas and general travel prep stuff, I managed, with my extensive travel know how, to remember my paperwork at the check in counter. Which is a few miles (approximately) from where I live. Lovely! Luckily HR was kind enough to send me pdf versions of the paperwork to me, so problem solved…well problem solved when I get back actually.

The first leg of the flight was a seven hour trip to Amsterdam. KLM is officially my new favorite airlines. Why you ask? Well apart from the fact that they actually serve good food, their crew is actually friendly! In fact I was flirting with one flight attendant and she was absolutely accommodating! So much so that I was invited for coffee afterwards in Amsterdam. Given the fact that I had about a six hour layover in the airport I was thoroughly considering it. If it was not for the fact that several bottles of wine at 50,000 feet, no sleep (it was 2AM in the US when I arrived in Holland) and the fact that I didn’t have a watch on or the guts to tell my parents I missed my flight in Amsterdam, I told her I could not but that hopefully we could meet again on another flight. It was so like Lost in Translation, except without the awkward silence and we were on a plane. I thank her for all the wine, the two bottles of Dutch Liquor, her phone number and all the sweets in the care package she put together for me as we went our separate ways. As I mentioned in my previous blog on my previous adventure; ALWAYS flirt with the flight attendants even if you are not interested.

So I land in Schipol International Airport, Holland. I feel like crap. My eyes are burning. I need sleep. I’m hungry. I don’t know which to satisfy first. “One Heineken please!” What can I say, I was in Holland! Eventually I paid for an overpriced sandwich and found a spot on an airport seat where I could wake up every three minutes to “Ms. So n' So please report to Gate D5 for immediate boarding. If you do not report immediately we will begin to unload your luggage.”

When I awoke from the last of my many mini naps, I found myself extremely famished. I made my way over to a Japanese noodle stand where I paid for an overpriced chicken soba. Eventually, I made my way to my gate and proceeded to wait to board. Throughout the entire waiting process I was in and out of consciousness. Every time I came to, there were less and less passengers around me. I finally make my way to the plane that would send me to Africa.

On the plane, I sat next to a Nigerian man. The plane was pretty empty and we both looked at ourselves crammed up together next to a window. It was perfectly logical, if not expected, nor did it take much convincing. Once we took off, I had my own two sets an a window. Finally, after watching the Bridge to Tarabithia, I fell asleep. Great Success!

Sorry- - No pics until I get back! Or else I would have to wait forever and a 1/2 until they get uploaded!!

...And In This Moment I Am Happy...Happy...

It was a beautiful late summer day. Has it really been this long? The sun pierced through my car’s windshield and landed softly on our skin. It seems so much longer than that, so much has happened. The rays warmed our bodies. So many changes. She made this happen, it feels good to know that. It is like having to re-learn someone. It feels good when she just decides something and takes you along for a ride. So many small things change, and there are a lot of new big things to get used to. You feel so loved. It is the big things that are shockers. I felt so loved, felt like I was where I was meant to be. I never thought I could ever change so much. The winding, country road adds to the feeling of being at the right place, a sense that you are supposed to be here. I have to admit I wonder if she notices the changes in me. We pull over into one of the properties. I can’t stop looking at her, it has been a while. We make our way between the rows of grape vines. I look for all the details, scanning her eyes for answers to questions I haven’t even asked. The sun passes through the foliage around us casting hues of greens and yellows onto our faces. She does the same. We look at each other, thinking about the taste of Chardonnay in our mouths. There are so many things to ask. Buttery? Where to start? Indeed it was. How to start? How about a different one? Why not start anew. Fruity. So we did. If only the wine was as good as the beauty of our surroundings, onto the next place. It felt good. Driving around with her felt so right. It was like finding your best friend again. It was like being on an adventure with someone you could never get enough of. Except this time there is a slight difference. Like nothing in the world could make a difference. There is something there. There it is. Something new. The winding road leads us to the King Family properties. It seems out of place to me because it was only slightly there in the past. A little bit out of the way but never the less, its surroundings were beautiful. Yet now it is pronounced. Lots of horses. Confident. The driveway on the privately owned vineyard took us deep into the property. Confidence where there was only a slight hint before. We pull up to a small building, park the car and make our way around to the entrance. It was so new. Rosé. So refreshing. Tastes just like summer. It emanated in her very being. Sauvignon Blanc. Shining out into to the world through her eyes. Crisp and fresh. It was such a breath of life. Chardonnay. It complemented all the changes, small changes but just right. Smooth. Fine tunings. Pinot Noir, Cote de Nuits Villages 2003. All coming together to make a whole. Perfect. Where were you before? I thought. A heavy, passionate taste. It doesn’t matter. The warmth of the wine embraces me. All that matters is now. That sensation of equilibrium returns. I wonder what is to come. Polo matches in the summer. Does it matter? I remember feeling, We have to return. So long as you enjoy what you have today.

Drum Drum Drum

I have "In the Beginning" By K'naan stuck in my head, I guess it is because the song reminds me of someone who was integral in my transformation into a new person. I have never known what the true effect of having a positive outlook can have on someone. I was always a dreamer first, then a thinker, but I would get caught in such a quagmire of self doubt that none of my dreams would be executed. Through an endless reserve of positive energy and good vibes, this person blew me away. It was like being taught how to be happy. It is absolutely amazing how one person can make such a huge difference just by being so positive. It gives you a lot of energy to move on and go after what it is you want in life. Thank you. You know who you are.

These days I have been able to maintain a sense of rediscovering the world. This has helped me stay happy with myself and encourages me to create something to look forward to. There are a lot of things in my life that I can choose to get to me, but they don’t. It is not that I don’t pay attention to them, I do, and I am doing something about all of those issues. I just refuse to be unhappy.

I think of it as a kind of strength...it is so important to stay strong and I have found that staying strong doesn't necessarily mean having to be serious or having to give up having fun in life. Enduring all the hardships of life shouldn't break you even if you are not where you want to be. In fact letting yourself be miserable is just a way of becoming more of a victim.

NY Metro Trippin'

"I know I am going to be successful, I just don't know how it is going to play out."

I said that on the NY Subway last weekend. It felt good to say it. Being in NY was great in itself; there is something about that city that I am so drawn to. I was walking around Chinatown and my friend was watching me the whole time. She mentioned how interesting it is to see me change almost instantly, like I was home. Being in Chinatown that day did feel like home. Although I didn't notice the change in my overall demeanor because I was so lost in my thoughts of who I was, how people change, the great memories I had of being in NY, replaying the scenes in my mind on the exact same streets I walked on with my friends during the weekend of my 21 st birthday. I find that I am able to lose myself in these memories with little effort these days. If I had my way I would have walked all over the city, lost in such a state. It was an amazing feeling. I had not felt such a feeling in quite some time now. I really got swept away, back in time, I felt like I was in Asia again but in addition to my experiences in the states all mashed into one. I don't think I was ready for that.

I now believe I can move onto a new and equally important question for myself. What do I want to do with my life? I know who I am now, I know myself better than ever. So what do I want to do with who I am? If I know I am going to be successful and I know who I am, then really, all it comes down to is what I want to do. I always thought that I knew what I wanted to do but after really examining that over the past few months I have found that what I thought I knew was in fact not really what it was. What I mean is, I knew what the desired end result was to be, yet I could not clearly pinpoint what I wanted to do in between. I am at such a critical point in my life at the moment, I can feel all these changes going on and it seems like I am on the verge of something amazing. I don't know the details but I am definitely feeling a strong pull towards a certain direction.

A part of me is scared, very scared. The thing about the US is that everything is directed at catering to the individual. What I mean is that the orientation here is such that products and services are brought to your door despite the slight intrusion into one's privacy. All a person needs to do is reach out for whatever they want. When everything is catered for an individual's needs it is hard to not get comfortable. It is a bit different in the outside world, especially in Europe. People value their individuality and the small freedoms associated with it. Ergo things are not directly catered to you as an individual and the individual is made to go and seek out what it is they need. Every time my doubts and fears arise regarding how I want to approach my future, I know that at the heart of it lies this very fact about the US and the very tendency for us human beings to simply get comfy. Everything is here. NY definitely evokes that feeling for me.

I constantly ask myself if I really am risking "throwing it all away" as many people have said or implied. Will I ever get back into the US? If not, does it matter? After all, I have lived 20 out of 25 years outside of this country and weren't those 20 years the better ones? Maybe, but I never had to work in those countries. These questions and bouts of self doubt are inevitable, yet unmatched against set convictions that my eventual departure would benefit myself and my certain success in life. It is quite an arduous process, fighting back such negative sentiments, especially when in the guise of close friends and family. There are times when I believe and fall victim to the comforts readily available in the US. I think of all the things I am able to do here, there are simply so many distractions.

It all boils down to one essential question though doesn't it?

"What Makes You Happy?"

It is all that really matters in the end. This is what keeps me focused everyday. I ask myself that and every time I do I think of all the places I visited and all the feelings associated with them. Then, I remember what it is that makes me happy. I know that one day I will live in the US again, hopefully that will be in NY.

Walking on the brink of change (and knowing it) is intimidating and exciting all at the same time. I wonder where I will be in....not so long from now.

1104W

I remember the day so clearly and the feelings associated with it. It was a beautiful day, blue skies, the DC humidity had not set in yet so the cool breeze soothed our skin. We were a bit apprehensive of this place but at the same time a bit anxious to find a new place quite soon seeing as we had to move out of her place by the end of the month.

She was wearing a white t-shirt that hugged her form completely. Accenting her hourglass figure perfectly. It went well with the peach and white flower print satin skirt she wore. 8315 N Brook Lane. We drove there, Patsy sat between her legs on the passenger side and looked up at both of us during the entire ride. Two large brown orbs reflecting pure love and admiration. We pulled up to the front of the west building, already impressed with the surroundings, how suitable for Patsy we thought, but still apprehensive about leaving the District. As we got out of my car she asks me to hold Patsy’s leash for a second while she gathered her things. We’ll do this one like we always did, she asks the smart questions and I criticize the place and try to read the guy. We walk up to the main entrance and the landlord greets us. It was the lighting, size of the bedroom and the fact that they welcomed pets that sold us.

The feeling of walking into that empty one bedroom with her, looking at it, saying, “this is our place,” the feeling of hope and of having a future, it seems like it is so fresh in my memory. It is that feeling of hope, love and a sense that this very moment presented so many possibilities for our future. Our feelings for each other gave life to the place, the entire apartment lived off of our love, it was everywhere. It was such an adventurous feeling.

That was one year ago to the day. We never really, truly had the opportunity to live together in that place. I guess that is why that feeling of a new beginning still seems so fresh in my mind. It never got the chance to blossom, it was uprooted prematurely from my heart and mind.

By the time I returned from Europe the place of hope suddenly became a prison. When Patsy and her left, it was much worse. That feeling became more pronounced and worse yet it was the type of feeling that has two extremely sharp edges. When wrapped in a blanket of love it is one of the best feelings in the world which strikes and fills the heart with beauty, but when exposed to emptiness it is cold and pierces the soul like a sudden sharp pain in your stomach.

The walls which once emanated warmth became cold and unloving. As if though water which had once lightly traversed across its surface making its way down the wall had been frozen in time. A hollow reminder of what once was surrounded me. Winter had just begun and it felt to me like it had made its way into my home and into my soul.

I fought it. I did not let that feeling win, and I proved victorious in the end.

I was such a different person one year ago. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Yet the feelings never really change. I mean, I may not feel the same about certain things like I used to but at the same time I cannot deny the feelings I did have. I believe that people never truly forget what those moments really felt like. I think people bury those feeling with other thoughts, and I also believe people let others bury those feelings for them, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet they are still there somewhere, hidden.

I think that one of the biggest steps I have learned to take is to accept how I feel, what I have felt in the past and not deny its place in my life. This goes for the people in my life as well. There are some people that mean so much to me who will always be in my heart whether or not they accept that. I may not talk to them that often, or at all anymore, but they mean a lot to me, just like all of those feelings. In so comparing, people bury the memories of those once close to them as well, and people usually allow others to help them bury the memory of those people, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet those people are still there somewhere in the world, and at one time they occupied a place in your heart whch may now be vacant yet, like 1104W, still emanates, even if just so slightly, those feelings that were there when they did occupy that space.

I say "protecting" because I learned that, that is exactly what it is. If it were growth then you would accept it and cherish it much like every good and bad experience. If I had a choice to live life over again and change things, I would not change a thing at all - - why? First off in order to make that decision I need all 25 years of my experience to come to such conclusions as to what to change in my life. Second, to want to change something in one's life seems to me such an unhappy thing, was it that bad? Then again I can only say this for myself and no one else.

1104W will always be an important part of my life. As much as I dislike the place, it represents so much to me. It was like an incubator, I grew up a lot, changed a lot from there. It was my third home in the DC area and I learned a lot from my experiences throughout the duration of my residence.

I miss it already, and yet I am radiating happiness. It was the final physical anchor I had to her and my leaving Whitehall completes the entire process of separation between her and I. The fact that there is absolutely no excuse to see or speak to each other ever again will prove to be quite the experience. It is a bit melancholy to think that after such a prolonged time of intimacy, the end result is a penetrating silence. I would be a liar to say that I no longer think about her despite the sea of emotions we have placed between us. Yet, if it must be so for the sake of happiness, for the sake of finding one's own inner fire and letting it grow...ergo; Carpe Diem!

Einstein was right....

It is pretty intense when other people's fears throw you off of your path. It is even more intense when it is someone really close to you that tries to convey that feeling of fear into your world. The use of fear and scare tactics as strategy to convince someone of a better path is kind of like guerrilla warfare on one's psyche. I guess there are several ways to approach these types of encounters, here is some I could think of off the top of my head:

I. Approach it like a test - - do you really believe/want whatever it is you believe/want?

You can always ask yourself if you really believe in something or really want something, but when you hear it from someone else, when you hear a different voice question your inner dialog it is a bit more challenging to engage. It makes you verbalize your inner thoughts and convictions regarding the matter - - that's why some people get very defensive when it comes to questioning their motives.

II. Take it as insight into a situation - - did you take their perspective into light?

Sometimes you miss a certain angle...is that so bad? We are only humans.

III. Heed the warning!

You could always chicken out and let your convictions fall through under the weight of scrutiny. That's a bit harsh...but there is some truth to it!

The common denominator in all three of these scenarios is that at the end of the day, whatever it is these nay-sayers and fear mongers throw your way, the only thing that matters is how you interpret it. In fact I am noticing that more and more with life in general. All the good and bad stuff, that is all in your head. Granted I am still trying to figure out what position I should take when thinking about my car that is in the shop right now because someone nailed it while it was parked in Georgetown. I wrote it off as karma, I must've done something really dumb. I leave you with a quote, which I run through my mind everyday, from a man who possessed one of the most powerful minds the world was fortunate enough to have witnessed:

"Great Spirits Have Often Encountered
Violent Opposition From Mediocre
Minds."
- A. Einstein

Stay Strong, Your Conviction is Powerful!

Image: Einstein with Bush
Url: http://www.thetalentshow.org/2005/11/21/the-most-powerful-man-in-the-world/

Universe, Course Correcting in T Minus 5...4...3...2...1

Do you ever watch Lost? I am really into Desmond's story right now, especially the episode about how the universe has a way of course correcting. If something were not to fall into place the way it were supposed to (according to the universe) then the universe would find a way to make sure it happens. I like the idea because I thoroughly believe in me being the only master of my universe, that I control what happens. The whole concept of the universe having preset plans has always intruiged me. I am leaning more towards the idea that the universe has already preset consequences and that we are simply here to choose the route. Like those books where the ending depends on what choices you make at specific points in the story.

Granted, it is not always what we want that we get but most of the time at the end of the day it is. Lately I have been really in tune with myself and for a moment I lost my daily structure and my routine and kinda lost a little bit of focus. Primarily due to the fact that I am moving around and all the stresses that come with that. Hopefully this week I can jump back into the routine, but chances are that won't happen until next week.

I am on the verge of beginning my exit from the US. I am working on aligning everything to accommodate my departure. I have made some serious decisions and some people may not like it but it must be done. Most of my life I have always tried to reach out and tried to accommodate both what people in my life want and what I want. Unfortunately that just doesn't work out too well in the end. This time I have decided to make decisions irrespective of what the consequences are amongst people that I care about. It is really high time that I put myself before anything else. I know that I have said that so many times in my life before but this time it is absolutely imperative that I set some limits.

I know myself well enough that I will not be able to completely focus on myself when it comes to all aspects of my life. I like people too much. I have a friend who is all about focusing life on himself, he lives on his own, has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than one month and doesn't intend to be in one in the near future. I always thought that his life was lonely, that it seems as if he should have someone in his life. I find myself stopping my thoughts at that point though because I remember one important critical thing: he is happy. Then I wonder what it took for him to get to that point, if the universe has some plan for him and being alone is just his course at the moment. I guess it doesn't matter so long as you are happy.

I think about my path in life, I look back at where I came from and all of the people, things and events which took place...all of the course correcting.. One course correction occurred when I was pulled out of school by my parents in 2000. I was so happy in London, very carefree. I was a psychology major then. My whole existence in Europe was extremely idealistic for me. I worked at the university pub for drinks instead of cash, went to carnivals in Leicester Sq., partied in some cheesy clubs like Ministry, and got trashed at many pubs. Oh did I mention my fake ID? My name was "Zak Daniels"...such stupid high school crap...I wonder if I still have that somewhere. "Why did you need a fake ID in London?" you ask, well my dear reader, I was only 17 when I went to college! In any case, I got pulled out of classes due to a health scare which in the end was nothing. This universal intrusion was probably one of the best things that could have happened. I spent the majority of 2000 running around Thailand, jumping from island to island and seeing some amazing things. The most important thing is that I changed life perspectives and decided to do more with my life.

The most recent incident of course correction was my trip to the Virgin Islands. It was not as "aggressive" or as dramatic as the others have been in the past but equally as important and carried just as much impact on my life. It was the first experience I have ever had where I calmly reached within and found who I was and ever since, I have never felt so like myself. I usually keep these experiences close to my heart because of these internal impacts and residual sentimental feelings, but in all honesty, as beautiful as the Virgin Islands are, this trip was definitely more about me. The islands were just the perfect backdrop. I guess the root to all of this is that, it is the first beautiful place I had ever been to and do not feel the need to have to go back. I really learned to carry it in my heart. Once I managed to do that I remembered all of the feelings I felt in all of those beautiful places I have seen, like Koh Chang. Almost instantly, I lost the sad and needy feeling to go back to these places.

I have always preached holding on to a wonderful place in your heart. It is interesting though when can do so with every moment in your life and, in fact, with the future ahead of you. What I mean is, its such a great feeling to know what feeling you are going to get when you think about your future. I think about the feeling I am going to get when I leave this place. It is a touch of melancholy and a healthy dose of pure happiness. As I think of it I almost invoke the feeling and when I can do that I know that it is the right thing for me to pursue. I think of the person I am now, the person I was and I am overjoyed when I think of the person I am going to be. Every time I do so it feels so comforting. So, yes, I still do believe that I control where I go in life but, these days I begin to trust in the fact that some things occur for the best outcome. Course correction, fate, you call it what you will, its a pretty crazy thing.

Image: Follow Me
Photo By: S. Tobler
Location: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico 2007

Look Back No Further

Wow, April already huh? It is so crazy to look back sometimes and see how much has happened in your life over a certain amount of time. Having a blog is a pretty intense thing, I don’t think I am used to it yet. Looking back at previous postings, you can see all the small changes taking place. Almost like one of those collages where all the small individual pictures make up one larger image.

They used to have the King’s anthem played before every movie started in the theatres in Bangkok. One of the sequences they used to have on the screen while the anthem played was of all the various activities, projects etc. the King undertook. They were individual squares of footage which would come together to form a giant portrait of the King. I always thought that was awesome. To me it was very much a representation of what everyone’s life is…a bunch of individual experiences put together to form one giant existence. Whenever I think of it I think of an unfinished ever growing portrait of myself with these small squares of footage being added every second.

I guess I have learned to really hold these experiences close to heart over the past few months without having to feel sad that the moment has passed me by. In fact most of the time these days I laugh and smile and try my best to put myself into the feeling of that situation again. I used to want to go back to it, I used to long for what had passed, but these days I just cannot wait for the day I look back at, well, today.

There was a time when I was obsessed with going back to my “childhood countries.” Now that I think about it some more, I am probably more in love with what they were to me in the past than what it really is today. I do not mean to suggest that I no longer want to return. In fact, that is quite the contrary. What I am trying to get to is, I no longer want to try and re-create those moments. I just want more moments altogether. Looking back at my time in Bangkok, the reason why I enjoyed life so much was because I only had my future ahead of me. So I guess this very moment is actually quite similar to back then, now that I truly realize that there is still so much ahead of me. No wonder I haven’t been able to get this smile off of my face since I got back from the islands…

Image: 'Modern Man'

Drawing By: S. Tolber

Coloring: Sfynx

Digitizing: Sfynx

Collaging: S. Tobler

Reborn

About a month ago I wrote about doing a lot of internalization. I focused on the inside. I started doing that in late November/December. It has been almost four months now since I started doing that. I believe that it is time to move out of that phase and begin to refocus on externalization. I am an extreme extrovert and being so focused internally can have very depressing repercussions on me. My grandfather’s passing has also forced me out of my shell. I can’t spend too much time internalizing and let the world pass me by.

Over the past four months I have been able to get in touch with the person I want to become. I am more disciplined now, more in control of my emotions. Although these changes are new, powerful and very positive they have yet to solidify completely. At the same time nothing in life is clear cut and you can’t expect to reserve X amount of time for healing and X amount of time for whatever else. There is always overlapping. I am focusing once again on looking to a life beyond US soil. Instead of being obsessed with specific nuances I have decided to take a different approach; take things easy (what a concept!!). I am going to shoot my resume everywhere with no clear time frame in mind just yet. I kind of want to see what kind of responses I will get and then go from there. Don’t get me wrong I still have standards, i.e. I am not going to just take any job that I get a response from.

The past month has been really good. I got to focus on myself, I look and feel better than I have in years, I managed to fit into size 32 jeans again (I was almost 34 in Aug), and the best part is I threw in some international travel as well. To top it all off I have someone very close to me who is nearby for the next month and a half. In fact it was this person’s presence which catalyzed my move to externalize again. I think that my grandfather’s passing really set off some explosions internally and that week before I left the States for my small vacation, a lot of pressure was building up within. This person reminded me what living life was like once again and reminded me that the whole reason for my realizing so much when I was away in Europe was because I was searching for (and temporarily found) something to inspire me.

Another person, who was once very close to me, also told me not long ago to “do something that inspires you.” So I went away a couple of weeks ago on a five day journey to a country I have never been. Not only that but I went there with someone who could quite possibly be one of the coolest travel partners I have ever had the pleasure to travel with. Needless to say, I was re-inspired. Life has been up and down, left and right for me these days I guess, in terms of self direction and momentum but not in terms of outlook; I’ve never really dropped my positive outlook in life. I have been doing a lot more things differently and have been enjoying it in the process.

.....Cont'd on 3/26/07......

I just got back from the Virgin Islands. I have been waiting to post this until after I had returned. A new me has emerged and I like him a lot. The picture above really captures what has happened to me over the past month. I took this picture while I was in Mexico at a rooftop Shisha lounge called Fumari. It was a beautiful night and the picture inspired me to do exactly what I had captured....to finally break away, to solidify everything new and look forward. Sure there are some things which tag along but those are the pieces of the essential "me," the person I was looking for, a more refined me, that I took with. Its funny how once I finally break away, things can now finally come together, and it definitely feels that way.

Image: "Reborn"
Location: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
By: S. Tobler
3/2007

Faking the Books

My current state of mind.......this one is called Faking The Books by Lali Puna

We’ve been done before and now we try to forge ourselves

We’ve been done before and now we try to forge ourselves

I’ll be true again

But until then I fake the books

‘Cause everybody knows

This ain’t heaven

Until everybody knows

We’ve been wrong before

There is a lot that we survived

We’ve been wrong before

There is a lot that we survived

I’ll be true again

But until then I fake the books

‘Cause everybody knows

This ain’t heaven

Until everybody knows

- Lali Puna

To Ernst...

Life is such a funny, fickle thing. Its twists and turns excites, inspires, breaks, angers, and awes us. Our fascination with it and our absolute clueless application of such a power leaves us so lost in it that we forget how valuable it is until it is taken away, much like many things in the world.

My grandfather, on my Swiss side, passed away last week at the age of 87, 88 in August. We were never very close, we never went fishing, we hardly spoke to each other, although we did do a lot of walking and when we did manage to talk to each other it was one of the most gratifying feelings. He saved my life once, well, indirectly. During the second world war he was contemplating running away to Argentina to escape the possibility that Hitler would invade Switzerland. He is not Jewish so his exodus would not have been for the sake of religious freedom (or preservation of life due to religious affiliation) but rather to escape the possibility of a complete nut dictating his life. Thanks grandpa, for deciding to stick it out.

The last time I saw him was in September 2006, during my amazing trip through Europe. Over the past ten years, each time I visited him we got a little closer, and this past vacation was no exception. I saw him in his usual form; busy. He was always a very active man, never once did I see him not do anything physical. His passion was his garden where he grew fruits, vegetables and flowers. It was his church, his life, love, and true home. He won awards for it, but beyond that its true merit lies in the fact that everything that grew out of that garden was pure in perfection and was a true representative of him. Having grown up on a farm it must have been the one thing he had that reminded him of his youth, much like how traveling is my one constant, my true love and passion...that garden was his gateway to eternal youth. Most of all, much like my passion, his garden was the ultimate expression of his love for life and very reminiscent of much better times, a much better world.

Whenever someone passes they inspire. They leave the world with people looking to their memory and remembering all the potential in their lives. Sometimes it is a sad thought, that the fact that you weren’t close to the person that passed reminds you of what you could have with your loved ones at the moment, in turn inspiring you to make more of an effort to be better...a beter grandson, son, daughter, mother, father, whatever.

I miss my grandfather tremendously, I know that we never got the chance to be close, given the fact that my father’s profession required him to travel significantly. Now that I know when I go back to Switzerland he will not be there, Switzerland will no longer be the same place in my mind. You see, people like me, we are a rare breed of humans. I still do not have a country as a home. The world is my home. Going to Switzerland is like walking from my living room to the family room. Imagine if a major component of what evoked the feeling of family in that room suddenly disappeared or was rearranged; that room would never be the same again.

I could end this by saying “I wish I had ______with him.” There is no need for for me to say that because I could go on forever. I only wish to be a better person, I only hope that I could become half the man that he is. My father, brother and I are his legacy, and the least I can do is to focus on the great adventure of life; his best gift to us.

It is all good...

I realize that is has been a while since I have posted anything. I received an email from a good friend inquiring as to what the delay was in publishing a new posting…I responded and I realized that my response is something I should post…

Since December I have given everything I have been through over the past six months considerable thought. Was I heading in the right direction? Is my decision to get out of this country the right thing for me? I guess that it was high time I truly posed those questions, I mean , really, the dust has settled now and I can definitely see everything in front of me. The ultimate conclusion I came to is this; no matter what I decide to do the first thing I need to do is focus on the small things first. From October to December I was so intent on my future plans that I was numb to what was really going on inside of me. It was as if though the thought and prospect of a better life somewhere else served as a sort of emotional anesthetic. I am not implying that my “realization” period meant nothing. In fact it was a significant turning point in my existence in that it did remind me of what and who I am, yet from the moment I arrived back to DC until one month/month and a half ago, I attempted to address my situation the way I usually addressed my life; focusing on the future. This approach ruined a lot of things in my past and here I was trying to apply the same method with a different subject matter. In essence that was what my whole drive to get out of this country was; A new subject.

So is a new place really going to make me feel better? More at home? More settled, maybe give me a sense of meaning? Probably for the first few months, then once you have seen everything and life hits you again and the cycle starts over. Old habits are a bitch but old perspectives are even worse and very dangerous!!

So, I have decided to take on a new approach. The overall objective is still to vacate this city, and hopefully this country. More importantly though, I need to fix things internally and be at peace with myself before I continue on. For the longest time I have only seen myself as a theory, an image of what could be. I never really thought about myself, of who I truly am. After really digging deep I realize that I was not honest with who I was and therefore how could I be honest with people around me? That is the reason why I took a break from blogging. Through my blog I was projecting this person, this idealistic me. I am not saying that what I said and what emotions were expressed were not genuine, but what I was saying was coming from a perspective of someone who wants to change and believes he is that what he is not. Does that make sense? It is almost as if my goals, standards and ideas of and for myself get higher and higher before I can even accomplish the first set of goals.

Since about mid December I have decided to take things slowly, something that I never really have done before and something that I need to learn to do. Patience is such a hard thing for me conjure up, and the lack of it will get me into some trouble if I don’t watch myself. I’ve started to do more things for myself in terms of physical and emotional growth. I need to let my brain take a rest because I never really have let it do so. I’ve stopped thinking about my future so much, I still do but not to the degree of obsession which at its height was pretty bad.

I decided to create a lot of physical goals for myself because I don’t think I have ever challenged my body like I have my mind. So I run about 20 miles a week now, I lift weights 5 days a week and I am jumping back into the Thai boxing world. The physical challenge is important for me because it creates a structure and is something I can control. The fact that I can control the physical aspect of my life is like methadone for a heroine addict, instead of trying to control my future I just control my physical form. It really helps and allows me to balance the social and emotional aspects of myself. I actually started working out at the end of November. I guess the tipping point (in this regard, which has nothing to do with inner growth) was, one day I was thinking about being in health class in Jakarta. I remember a chart showing the physical and sexual drive of men and women. The men’s physical chart peaked at 25, sexual chart peaked at 28-29. Women’s physical growth peaked at roughly the same time as men’s but their sexual drive peaked at 35-ish. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself

“Good lord, if this is as good as it gets we’ve got problems! On top of which if I peak sexually in 3-5 years and if I am not in good physical shape by the time my wife is 35-ish, I may as well let a hot 25 year old take the keys and drive!”

So I decided I wanted to be a hot 35 year old before my wife ran off with Carlos the hot trainer at the gym (so to speak).

The results have been great physically but I am happier with the emotional results. I am not as demanding of people and my future. On top of which it really relieves the itch to get out of here so fast. That is such a good thing because I do not know how I am supposed to be happy if I cannot be happy with myself wherever I am.

Going back to giving my brain a rest, the primary driver to the importance of this is that I was becoming so critical of people that sooner or later it would push them away. I think too much in general, I am constantly thinking and this lead to my thoughts, my brain, overpowering my soul. I would say things that I did not really mean and it would come off as hurtful or extremely critical even though I did not mean to. I stressed myself out and never took my time all because of some self created inner pressure. This one is a hard one for me to fix but I have made huge strides and I am confident that I will overcome 100% of it in time.

I can go on and on about the things that have happened to me internally over the past month but that could get boring. In any case, I am making a lot of progress, I am not the person I was six months ago and it is all good…

All These Things That I've Done

When there's nowhere else to run

Is there room for one more son

One more son

If you can hold on

If you can hold on, hold on

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go

You know, you know - no, you don't, you don't

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks

I am so much older than I can take

And my affection, well it comes and goes

I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You know you got to help me out, yeah

And when there's nowhere else to run

Is there room for one more son

These changes ain't changing me

The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You know you got to help me out, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

(Time, truth and hearts)

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You know you got to help me ou, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin

While everyone's lost, the battle is won

With all these things that I've doneAll these things that I've done

(Time, truth and hearts)

If you can, hold on

If you can, hold on

Kinda scary how some songs hit the spot.....

Krung Thepisation

It was the summer Californication came out. Busby, Nolan, James, Shoko, Tim, Rob, Jana and I…we had been meaning to go and had been talking about it for the entire semester. Wakeboarding at Tako (I think that’s how it is spelled). A man-made lake created exclusively for wake boarding….too much fun. Jana didn’t really know or care about what we were doing, she was visiting from Germany and was just there to have fun. I remember Rob trying to hit on her and how she would complain to Nolan and I about how annoying he was getting. James and Shoko were dating back then, Nolan, Busby and Tim making up the trio of bachelors. I was in a long distance relationship at the time which was silly because I was 17 and I really should have just been having fun.

Nolan was the only one out of all of us that had a car to drive. Some of us drove but not all. I learned to drive in Bangkok and if you can drive there, you can drive anywhere! So, Nolan drove us to this lake on a lazy day. He drove a four door sedan and there were eight of us. Three in the front, the rest in the back. I remember the feeling of just meeting up and going. I think we were hung over, yet the idea of being out in the sun and just having fun all day was such a promising thought that it banished any nasty feelings. Sunglasses, board shorts, cigarettes, alcohol, and a few other accessories…oh yeah, water.

The facilities itself were not impressive, changing rooms, showers, a rectangular lake with wires running around it, and of course the deck with the knee boards and wake boards. It was my first time on a wake board, actually it was pretty much most of our first times on a wake board.

‘It’s just like surfing man, trust me its easy!’
‘Yeah just make sure you distribute more weight to the back end.’
‘Oh and don’t forget, when you get to the turns make sure you go wide!’
‘Wait what happens if you…don’t…’

Too Late…

I made it about five meters before I plunged my board into the water and the cables dragged me across the water for another 3 meters before I let go.

‘That was AWESOME!’ was all my teenage mind could come up with. A few tries later and I finally made it to a turn…unfortunately due to my excitement earlier I neglected to reiterate my inquiry as to what happens if I don’t go wide on a turn. Experience truly is the best teacher.

I made it to turn 1 (there were only four turns) and I forgot to go wide. When the cable goes around the turn it looses tension and therefore you loose momentum causing you to sink in the water. Once the cable completes the turn and heads for the straightaway it regains the tension almost immediately. So when I get to the turn I begin to lose speed and my board begins to sink…a giant “?” appears over my head as I notice the cable slacken, the “?” is quickly replaced by a “!!” as I notice it begin to get VERY taught VERY fast. I did not let go of the cable and suddenly I am ripped right out of the water at an incredible speed, off of my board… once again I am body skiing across the water. I let go and swim back to retrieve my board, I pass by a pair of shorts, realize they are mine and quickly put them on hoping no one saw me, unfortunately as I grabbed my shorts one of the girls kneeboards by me and issues a quick ‘Meow!!’ as she boards right by my exposed bottom.

We all had a great time, and there were definitely more funny moments. I remember it was either Busby or James that ended up planting his face across the moving water, as in he went down face first and then his body followed…ouch! Unfortunately for us guys the girls were graceful and experienced no wardrobe malfunctions despite the fact that they were wearing bikinis.

By the end of the day our bodies were exhausted, it was the feeling of having been swimming all day long. Our faces were radiating with heat, we were so hungry and just wanted to chill out. Despite this we were happy.

The ride home was one of the best parts of the day, it definitely held my favorite feeling of the day. We all crammed back into Nolan’s car. We were tired and hungry but not cranky. We weren’t cranky because we had so much fun and everyone was just full of positive life. It was a long trip back to downtown Bangkok seeing as we were on the outskirts of the city. Steve and Tim passed out almost immediately; Shoko passed out on James and in the front seat Rob, tall ass Rob, was strictly instructed to stay up with Nolan as he drove. Jana and I talked most of the way but eventually she too fell asleep.

As I mentioned earlier, Californication had just been released, and being big fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, we played the tape over and over again…yes, I said tape as in cassette tape. Scar Tissue was playing while there was a calm silence right before everyone passed out. It felt almost like the video, we were exhausted, the sun was shining right in our faces, I watched the Bangkok city scene unfold before me as we drove…I remember looking at all of my friends and asking myself if this was ever going to happen again. Inside I knew the answer was no. We were all leaving Bangkok that summer to go to college. I was leaving within a couple of weeks actually and just being with those people, not saying anything but enjoying life, was such a great feeling.

The city itself was our other friend. I watched as we went from one scene to the next. Watching life in the city pass by. New buildings, broken buildings, the newest Mercedes model parked in front of a nondescript noodle stand, homeless people, children playing on the street and out of nowhere an old shopping mall with a movie theatre that must have been the place to hang out so many years ago. The billboard displaying a hand painted poster of the featured Hollywood movie dubbed in Thai, a movie which came out almost a year before.

That day was my last full serving of feeling young. Not just feeling free, but feeling like there was nothing in the world that could make me feel sad. I was so happy and so content knowing that there was so much I could do with my life. So much potential, so many unwritten pages…I was in love with life at that moment. I breathed it in, I enjoyed every second of existence without feeling like I was going to lose or gain anything. It was the calm before the storm…

Travelling Through Time, I Lost Myself...

A new year. Time for a fresh start. Thank God! I kinda wish that you could actually feel it though. Like taking a shower and feeling clean right after. Looking back over the past six years that I have been here in the States blows my mind. So much has happened, the world I knew most of my life has changed so much since I have been here. From the most general issues like the socio-political climate, to more specific things in my world like the people in it and my dreams.

I was such a different person when I first came to the US. I left Bangkok around the end of June/beginning of July ’00. I spent a month is Switzerland learning German, funny thing is I actually met Ms. Ocean and her sister during this trip for the first time but the world had other plans and we weren't to be friends yet. I am not sure exactly why I went or even agreed to go considering I hated Switzerland so much back then. I guess I was at a point in my life where I felt like I needed to move on and continue progressing. Sound familiar? Well, as similar as it sounds there is a solid and pressing reason why I was feeling so antsy at that time. I was pulled out of college due to a health concern, the results showed that there was nothing wrong with me, which in turn resulted in my traveling around Thailand for the better part of the year. Not such a bad sentence I know, but understand that as great a place is, it is not what you thought it was without the people you enjoyed it with. It can also work in the other direction, you think a place is shitty until you lose the people you hang with and realize how shitty it really is...I guess I should point out that places can get better by losing the people you were with as well…ANYWAY…

So I traveled. I went to island after island, beach after beach, temple after temple, and got messed up night after night…Naturally I did not feel like I was going to amount to much continuing on the way I was. The pressure of knowing that my friends were going to continue in life without me also played a factor. So I left it all behind in pursuit of my future, it was inevitable anyway…

I was in Switzerland for a month…it seemed like the longest month of my life. By the end of it I was speaking decent German, another month and I would have gotten it down. Unfortunately, I lost all of it in the US despite going back to classes for a little bit. My first year in the US was very hollow and uneventful characterized by me watching a lot of TV, eating Tostitos and playing soccer with the Swiss Embassy team. I had missed the deadline for University applications for that semester and as it turns out, I missed the deadline for the next semester as well because I was an international student and I needed to apply earlier. Bollocks!

By the fall I was ready to start Uni again. 9/11 happened and the whole world changed overnight. Every international person’s life in the US just got a lot harder and more stressful. International students graduating would find it harder to find work, students coming in from abroad would find it more difficult to get into the country, and those going home would risk not being able to complete their degrees.

During my first week into Uni I instantly I found friends and got right into the thick of undergrad life. I met my Indonesian friends within a few weeks of the fall semester. In late September I ran into a girl from my high school in Bangkok, I remember it as clearly as if though it happened yesterday. I was walking down the hall in one of the Uni buildings and I heard someone call me by a name that no one else called me by in the US at that time (only in Bangkok). By the end of October I was in a relationship which would last the remainder of my college career and into my first year of the “really real” world. That encounter and the resulting relationship was my saving grace and there would be no way I would be where I am today had that not happened.

In the summer of 2002 I went on my first road trip. Earlier in the year I got my first car. It was a 1995 Ford Taurus station wagon, it was also known as the boat, the tug, or Betsy. (One time I pulled up to a '62 Eldorado and found out that Betsy was longer that it counting the fins!)That road trip brought me to NY, to North Carolina and Florida for the first time. I also was fortunate enough to have gone skydiving on a beautiful day over the Florida coast. It was my first long haul and I did all of the driving. I remember having to smoke cigarettes almost every 20mins just to stay awake. I downed Red Bulls and anything there was to keep me up. We camped out of the back of my Taurus wagon in a camping lot by the beach in the Outer Banks, NC. That was fun. We stayed with a friend and his family in Vero Beach, FL. There we were completely spoiled. From the east coast of FL we went across to the west coast where there were beautiful clear blue waters and white sands. After that it was back to DC.

My college years were not the typical crazy college years. Well, at some points they kind of were actually. I went here and I partied there and it was cool for a bit. My first job in the US was at a McDonald’s. By the time I was in college I got another job in a CD store and I loved it. It was a very carefree time for me back then, school, work three times a week at a music store and partying. I needed more cash and I wanted to work more hours for it but the CD store could not afford it. So I quit and jumped industries. I got a job as a sales associate at Louis Vuitton. I spent about a year and a half there before I made my move to Tiffany & Co. I left T & Co. at the beginning of my second semester of my senior year. I saved up as much cash as possible and I joined UBS Private Banking as an intern. In any case I graduated eventually, after a considerable amount of jumping through hoops. It kills me to think about how I transitioned from a very carefree and broke nature to a stressful and materialistic existence.

After I graduated I went through six months of unemployment. I never knew how bad unemployment and the stress of the whole job search process could be. It is such a spirit breaker to have to go through so much and be beat down and then get your hopes up again only to be dashed again. I was practically broken by the time I finally landed a job where I am now. It is very hard to get a company to sponsor you for a freakin’ visa!

Before my current occupation,t my first job out of colege was with an IT consulting company. I really did not want to be there but they were passing out visas like it was Halloween and I was running out of time, plus I needed the cash. I worked there for about four weeks, one of which was in NY. My buddy Mr. Lovin’ came to visit me one night and we went out on a Wednesday or something. We got completely trashed and spent too much money. We went to Scores, which is a strip club that Howard Stern always talks about. Quite frankly it was expensive and not worth it. I guess it is awesome if you are Howard Stern. The next day my friend was supposed to leave at around 8-ish and I was supposed to be at work by 7:30am. We woke up at 8 and I did not get to work until 8:30. It was bad because I was supposed to let people into the building and instead I walk into a quiet room full of people giving me a nasty look...and I smelled like a bar…anyway, I quit by the end of the week, especially when they informed me that the US had run out of visas. A month and a half later I found a company which took me in. For a moment everything was alright…

I was informed by my company that I could not be paid for the time my work permit expired to the time my visa took effect. That total time was 3 months. On top of which 1 ½ of those months had to be back home in Switzerland. By this time I had moved in to a new apartment with my ex-girlfriend and dog. All of this stress was topped off with a car crash that I got into. Just peachy.

So, once I finally got everything in line, all I have to do is get the visa, come back and Ta-Dah! You crossed the finish line! Apt, car, g-friend, dog, visa & a job. I leave to get the visa, three months later it hits me…after all of that…it hits me…where am I going with my life? I have moved so far away from who I was…am I ready to be this kind of person? I guess not.

Now, here I am.

So much has happened, so many faces come and go, so many places lived in and seen, so many memories made and forgotten and so much to look forward to. Was it the right decision to end it all? Does it matter at this point?

Time for a fresh start…a second chance....into the unknown we go...Happy New Year!

...The Laughter...

Memories are really the only valuable things we have aren't they? And even they fade away over time...I'm sitting here in my office and the sun hits me on the face as it descends. Like some sort of teleportation beam it sends me back in time and I start to think about my former life in Asia, the feelings and smells of being there and of being young...more specifically I think of Bangkok...

...the smell of brand new pencils, erasers and paper, always reminds me of my first day at school in ISB. That in turn leads to other mnemonic triggers of the times and places. Of Bangkok, I remember the humidity, the contrasting temperatures inside classrooms and in our open air hallways. The smell of earth after a long day of raining as you walk from one class to another. The smell of pot and cigarettes lightly caressing your face in the wake of your friends' parade to class. The scene accented with the skewed look on the faces of teachers they pass. The smell of CK One, Tommy, Hugo Boss, Davidoff, Versace, all sure signs of that inner child trying its best to grow up, coming off of your friends you sit next to, mixing in with the smells from the kitchen in our open air cafeteria. All of these sensations leading to the feelings and the emotions harbored deep within myself. Those little gems, byproducts of youth that we can no longer wear but simply look at and admire like visitors to a museum starring at a beautiful relic of the past....

Positive perspectives, love affairs with life and the people in it, drama between friends, drugs, alcohol, sex, music...all mixed into one big ball of emotion which created one hell of a ride. The raw energy we all had just emanated from within and being in Bangkok simply facilitated our hunger to go out and also catered to that desire.

I was fortunate enough to live downtown and everything was accessible to me at anytime. Being downtown was great...the loud noises, heat, humidity and smog rolled into each other...the smell of chicken and pork sate being cooked on the street, fresh fruits, people's faces, tall buildings, beer gardens...ah yes...I have a special place in my heart for beer gardens.

...when I was in Bangkok and couldn't be on a beach drinking cheap beer then I had two options (at least, downtown), one; you go to Larry's Dive which is just a beach themed indoor bar with sand poured all over the floor (Note: I left in 2000 so some places may no longer be there). I lived on Thanon Witthayu (Wireless Rd.) which is right next to the beginning of Sukhumvit Rd. This is important to know because there are a lot of bars off of Sukhumvit Rd. and if you continued on Witthayu Rd. you would soon find yourself very close to the Silom area which of course is famous for Pat Pong and the nightlife there...anyway, Two; my favorite Beer garden is on Sukhumvit Soi 5, right next to a hotel across from Foodland (yes, Foodland does exist there). Open air, Thai pop/rock (sometimes a Clapton, Marley or Bowie rendition thrown in the mix), pitchers of beer for nothing and cheap eats. Laughs, so many laughs we had at this beer garden. I keep referencing the heat and humidity and this is because these two are your constant friends in Bangkok. They are with you everywhere and therefore become a key memory.

What I would give to be there today, to laugh like that once again. I walked away with a memory. Every time I look back and plunge myself into this world there are less and less details. It is like someone is pouring paint thinner on my painting. In the center of it is me and my friends at the table laughing, and all around us the pieces of the painting are fading…the colors around the center melt into one. The details being blurred, and eventually all that will be left is the laughter…

"I still believe in paradise, now at least I know it is not somewhere you look for, because it is not where you go...it's how you feel for a moment in your life. If you find that moment, it could last forever." - The Beach

The Cure - In Bewteen

yesterday i got so old

i felt like i could die

yesterday i got so old

it made me want to cry

go on go on

just walk away

go on go on

your choice is made

go on go on

and disappear

go on go on

away from here

and i know i was wrong

when i said it was true

that it couldn't be me and be her

inbetween without you

without you

yesterday i got so scared

i shivered like a child

yesterday away from you

it froze me deep inside

come back come back

don't walk away

come back come back

come back today

come back come back

why can't you see?

come back come back

come back to me

and i know i was wrong

when i said it was true

that it couldn't be me and be her

inbetween without you

without you

…Holding My Breath…

…I need to stop holding my breath…It is a funny fact about me…I guess it shows my true idealistic form…my hopes for something more in people…I talk about how much the future holds for me, and I have to stay strong during these tough times where no one seems to be around…it is like walking through a dessert, walking away from something…in my heart I know that the only thing I have is myself and my future…and yet it is hard for me not to look back hoping things, hoping people from the past would change, could understand me and come looking for me…if not at least to convince me to stay but at the very least to offer me a helping hand into my future...
…people say that if you want something from someone you had better go ask or else you can forget about receiving it…I can see how that applies to more tangible, material things, but I am not sure how applicable that is to emotion; how do you ask someone for understanding?...or consideration?...I am not sure…I would like to think that people are a bit more intuitive and can pick up on certain messages…
…I drop hints though…y’know, I say some things, some covert, some blatant…just to see if they hear that inner me…not many people listen…and even less hear at all…too much white noise…
…I ask myself if I have reached a point where I have deviated significantly from the norm and perchance therein lies my lack of emotional contact with those around me…it makes me sad to say that, I guess, I always have deviated from the mean…I watch my friends from a distance and realize how much they are a part of that norm…they don’t think they are…they talk as if they are, many think that because they have lived in different places or have traveled significantly that they are different…yes, they are more worldly…but when it comes to the human spirit how far do you have to travel just to understand the person in front of you?...I would say however far your voices can travel…it hits me when I see how people deal with other people and how they deal with their inner selves as well…that’s when you see it clearly…it doesn’t matter what your opinion is of the situation in Iraq…how you feel about Philipp Morris having bought out the largest tobacco company in Indonesia…what would happen to the US economy if China does not peg the Yuan to the Dollar…daily applicability; on a micro level, when it comes to human interaction, they are just like everyone else…it makes me sad to think of it…especially for the ones that I was very close to…
…I realize that I truly am too many standard deviations away from the mean….in the sense that I interact at a different level…I am not saying it is a better level…simply that in my current setting, I am an outlier, beyond the bounds of this society’s margins of error…Those of you reading this who find this a great thing, ask yourselves if you really believe so…or are you just like everyone else?...could you do it?...it is ‘cool’ to not be in the ‘mean’…I’ll use Indy Rock as an example…is Indy Rock really all that Indy now?...do you really think so? Look around you…I wonder what would happen if people who think they are totally Indy took off their Dolce & Gabbana aviators, wash out the hair product holding up their perfectly coiffed ‘messy look,’ took off the blazers with the perfectly placed rips which they bought at Urban Outfitters and look at themselves…could they look around at the people they hang with and walk away after realizing they don’t really give a damn…would they come looking for you when you get lost in your dessert?...
…A small part of me is hoping they would come looking…my mother always told me to aim for the best but to never expect the best…this one piece of advice has gotten me through a lot… I need to stop holding my breath…no one will arrive, I don’t even think anybody realizes that I have already left…I need to breathe and look forward…but it is so hard not to hope…I feel like the lone traveler who wishes to bring along someone or something from his past…but alas, there is so much of life ahead of me, so much I have to do, I just can’t wait anymore, not for anyone, not for my past…I have so much to see and so many dreams to live out…

Photo By: T. Kocourek 2002

How Do You Want To Be Loved?

How do you want to be loved? Every time we go through things in life we learn something new, or perhaps I should say we learn something more about something we thought we knew almost everything about. It is like studying ancient Egypt or Rome every year from second grade until high school. Same subject, but every year its something a little bit deeper, just a twist on some aspect of it that changes the whole story.

I find it to be the same way with relationships. Every time we find someone or every time we loose someone we learn something more about ourselves as individuals and as a partner. The whole identification of wants and needs, what is important to you and what, no matter how small or ridiculous it may seem to the world, would make or break a relationship no matter how much history you have with the other person. It is something so important to you that you know your life with that person would just not work out without this essential thing because from there lies a lot of what makes you happy and what keeps you from falling into pieces when things are tough (I mean as an individual not as a couple). It is so important to consider how you want to be loved. I was asked once ‘what if that person did not have it? Is the relationship doomed?’ Well, no. Everything in life is in degrees. For one, you can learn or try, and it also depends on the degree to which that person may or may not have it.

So I ask, how do you want to be loved? Do me a huge favor and just post your answer to this question, anonymously or not it doesn’t matter. I suppose I should start.

I want to be loved with confidence. I think I am such a strong person every hour of my life that it would be a life saver if someone could be strong for me, for once. In fact I know, now more than ever that I need that to stay sane, to stay a happy person. When shit hits the fan I want to feel like the other person is doing everything she can to keep things together even though I can’t go on. I am not saying I won’t do anything and just be lazy, that’s not possible for me, its just not who I am. What I mean is, in relationships I do a lot of fighting, I go every extra step to show that I love someone. I tell everyone I know all the great things about that person, I am there for that person all the way no matter what, I would fight for them even though it is me that is getting hurt. I love and give unconditionally. No one has ever fought for me wholeheartedly and unconditionally. It seemed like in my last relationship if I broke down she broke down with me. I was in a relationship where I would protect the one I loved from negative thoughts from everyone including my own family, and yet, it was never reciprocated. In return all I received was an explanation that it was how her family was and that is that. I guess it showed me that I would never be a part of it. There are times when I would complain to someone about her and right after I get it all out I follow up with at least one reason why I loved her. Those are just two examples and it used to hurt so much thinking about it. It is interesting because when I think about my recent breakup, I mean the actual breaking up, she hardly put up a fight. Something inside of me was wishing that she would, to show me that maybe it is in her, the fight, so many times I remember telling her all of these things that would keep me close to her, but she never got it. Something inside of me was just screaming out ‘after five years you still don’t understand that all you have to do to hold on to me is to pick me up when I am down, to grab me by the collar and yell I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!’ It did not happen, and inside I knew that this was the essential reason why it had to end for me. I did not realize it then, but I realize it now that I can look back and look inside of myself. I don’t regret anything, but it is a sad story.

This is why I say, ask yourself how you want to be loved. No matter how perfect everything is, things will begin to fall apart if you are not being loved the way that you want to be. For those people asking, ‘how the hell do I love someone the way they want to be loved?’ Why not start with the obvious; love them the way you want to be loved and go from there. Keep your ears open, listen, understand, consider and most of all reciprocate because chances are they are loving you the way they want to be loved.

If you are being loved the way you want to be, as I am sure some of you are (I hope most of you are), I ask you to describe it, embrace it, let it out…it just shows how much you really do love them…too shy? That is just you getting in the way of your own feelings…

So, how do you want to be loved?

"2 The Altar"
Photo By: S. Tobler
Malmo, Sweden 2006

G-Chat

...it is one thing to write about your thoughts and it is another to execute them.

This conversation revolves around my having chosen (to a degree)

to follow through on my thoughts...

3:46 PM
me: how am I?

Yagrua: yes

3:47 PM
me: I really cannot tell you how I am...
I wish I knew
I mean
I guess I am Ok...healthier, working...

3:48 PM
I am different would be the best answer

3:50 PM
Yagrua: is different better than before?

3:52 PM
me: how do you mean?
in terms of a State?
or in terms of a person?

3:53 PM
in terms of a state I feel like this is all surreal...like I am not sure if this is all really happening

3:54 PM
Yagrua: isn't life kinda just like that in general?

4:00 PM
me: well, no. Not for me at least. Life is a happy thing to look forward to and to share with people. Not some fog you can't see through that you simply let pass by...
Something to experience

4:01 PM
I mean detachment is a good thing but I would like to think that life is a bit more than just watching and feeling through a glass window

4:03 PM
Yagrua: is it b/c you don't feel like you are in control right now? that you are just watching things go by?

4:06 PM
me: I have made the decision to watch things go by at this time, I am in control but addictions are a hard thing to get over. Habits are a real bitch and most of all companionship is something that I embrace. I don't like being a loner. It is different when you are traveling on your own because the world is your companion, but I like to share myself with people and quite frankly I have chosen not to do so with anyone here because I think everyone is shallow and no one really wants to understand anything except themselves and if they did it would be for their own self gratification and not for the actual connection with that person....

4:07 PM
its like most conversations I have with people are interviews
either for philosophical interaction
or to get off on themselves
or both

4:08 PM
I guess what I am getting to is...as the days go by I realize there aren't many people worth being with
on any level

4:09 PM
I don't mean to sound so elitist

Yagrua: but are you limiting yourself? you'd rather be alone than socialize

4:10 PM
me: but it is kinda hard to 'just have fun' with people you thought were closer...they won't let you...
What I mean is

Yagrua: i understand what you mean

me: you cannot change and expect everyone to change with you
you cannot expect them to suddenly see you as a person you just have fun with because that is not what it was beforehand

4:11 PM
Yagrua: so you're saying is that ppl want to have a deeper level of friendship with you but you can't offer that b/c you feel there is little in common and b/c they cannot empathize?

4:12 PM
me: Sort of....
people feel entitled to a deeper friendship with me because of a couple of things:

4:13 PM
A: Just because I listen well people think THEY know me...like I am suddenly a close friend when in fact I am not at all because they do not reciprocate ...they are too into themselves that they cannot see where you are coming from or even realize that they never even ASKED or CONSIDERED your position....

4:14 PM
B: They went through the motion of being my friend...y'know hanging out for a long time is supposed to create some sort of connection when in fact all it creates is habitual hanging out and a sense of what a friendship is like

4:15 PM
Yagrua: you are so right on that

me: I don't really think there is anyone here in DC that can shoot me a one sentence FACT about who I really am...

4:16 PM
and it is unfair because I can almost do it to everyone
then again...
I recently came to a realization that I do have an uncanny ability to understand people and read them

4:17 PM
Someone referred to it as a gift and I never realized that not everyone could do what I was doing
and perhaps therein lies my dilemma

Yagrua: it is a gift, and it's also somewhat of a downfall

4:18 PM
you obviously are feeling the downside to it
but do you think that its just Americans that make you feel this way? b/c you know a lot of non-Americans, and do you think they are superficial friends too?

4:24 PM
me: Not necessarily
And yes they can be superficial friends too

4:25 PM
the way I see it is this,
There is a level of courtesy around the world that Americans tend to be blind to
and that is simply (in laymen’s terms) giving someone the time of day....
Europeans are good at this
They may or may not care about you

4:26 PM
but they will give you the chance on the soap box to explain
and from there judgments are concluded [Note the word concluded not made]
Asians are a bit different
to a degree

4:27 PM
it is just that in Asian society it is he who lets the other use the soap box first who is judged
usually for the better
do you know what I am saying?

[It is important for the reader to know at this point that I am not making generalizations without a degree of experience. I am half Asian, half European. The person I am conversing with is half Asian, half American. Both of us have lived in Asia, I myself, spent 10years of my life there and about 6 in Europe. Both of us graduated high school from an international school in southeast Asia.]

4:30 PM
Yagrua: so you feel that TD is one of the very few that you feel reciprocates true friendship

4:31 PM
me: Once again, to a degree...
TD will look out for you so long as he is having fun
with you
He is not a very good support person

4:32 PM
when times are tough
at least for me

4:34 PM
Yagrua: you've really thought about this...

4:35 PM
and i'm not sure how to respond..
i totally get what you're saying, but are you willing, for the time being, to put up with it until you leave?

4:36 PM
do you feel its right to cut down on friends, instead of taking it at face value knowing that it will end soon?

4:37 PM
and also, i know you have friends that GET you, but is it also safe to assume, after coming to your conclusions, that things, people, can change?

4:38 PM
me: Am I willing to put up with it?

4:39 PM
two choices: Pretend or be true
still have not fully decided
Do I feel that it is right to cut down on friends at this point?

4:40 PM

Yagrua: i mean, is it worth all the agony if you are planning on leaving soon?

me: but the agony is not having friends that understand you....so either or...the agony is still there

4:41 PM
It is worth cutting down on those friends but it is important to try and make new ones that….
that I can have fun with
ones without too much of a history behind

4:42 PM
can you further explain your last one?
do you mean is it safe to assume they will always be there?
or understand me?

4:43 PM
Yagrua: that becuase you have this gift, that this isn't going to be an isolated incident or one that will go away once you leave the US

4:44 PM
me: I guess it is a mater of degrees...
This is not a completely foreign feeling for me

4:45 PM
I had it before in other countries but people are less self-centered in other countries

4:46 PM
One day I am going to find someone who can reciprocate and mark my words… I am going to hold on to that person until the day I turn into dust
I think that is my only shot at finding peace with this dilemma

4:47 PM
me: It would be too much to ask for a group of these people in one physical location...

4:48 PM
Yagrua: but better to have them scattered than not at all

Go For It...

I know that my previous posting about snakes was a bit angry so just to lighten things up I am going to tell you a story about my friend the Tiny Dancer.

Ms. Ocean came to visit last week and I decided that, in order to be a good host, I would show her more than just DC. My friend, Mr. Lovin’, happened to be in the process of moving down to North Carolina and had been talking about how cool Wilmington was. So I decided, why not take her there? Sounds like a cool beach town. I mentioned it to Ocean and she was game. I also mentioned it to my other friend, Tiny D.

Side Story

Tiny D got his name from one night out at a club called Fur. Fur isn’t exactly the best club I have been to but Tiny D always goes there because of the DJs that come through. In any case his name is a derivative of his dancing style and his stature. He is not huge and he dances a unique style reminiscent of the River Dance and traditional Balinese dancing…except to electronic music…and only to electronic music cuz he dances differently to hip hop.

‘…Now back to the lecture at hand…’

Tiny D was game as well, especially after I mentioned how cheap it was down there and the availability of certain…local produce. The crew had been assembled and the flight plan was simple:

Take 1-95 South until you get to 40 East.
Duration: 6hrs (with stops and holiday traffic)
Meet Lovin’ at a bar by the beach.

I would take the first shift and Tiny D would take the second. Ocean would just get to chill, of course since she is visitng. We would leave at 11AM and arrive around 6-7PM. That was the plan.

The night before Ocean, Tiny D and I went to Fur (the afore mentioned club). It was not a crazy night or anything but it was great to juat dance. Ocean and I stayed at the hip hop scene the majority of the time while Tiny D would switch from the Electronic room to hip hop. We all went home afterwards (around 4ish) and passed out…except for Tiny D who didn’t catch any Z’s until 8AM.

The following morning everyone was feeling great and ready to get out of DC (who isn't?). I packed CDs, 1st and second season of Arrested Development to watch in my car and everything we needed for an overnighter. As soon as I get to Tiny D’s place he comes out all ready and VERY energetic. He insists he can take the first shift and so I agree. We get a call from Lovin’ and we decide to meet on I-95S, since he did not end up leaving the night before, which originally he was supposed to.

After some traffic and about 4 or 5 episodes into season 1 we finally catch up to Lovin’. Unfortunately Tiny D was so focused on the show that we ended up a mile behind Lovin’ and really had to catch up. Fed up with Tiny D's imitation of driving Ms. Daisy, I tell him to go to the next Gas station so we can fill up and switch. I got into the car and it was a smooth cruise most of the way.

We got to Wilmington around 8ish; just enough time to chill and get ready for the evening ahead. The first bar we went to was a bit quiet. Nothing much going on but it was interesting nonetheless. I definitely felt like a city boy, but I took it all in anyway, I thought it was great. To the right of me Tiny D is chatting up some girls. I was surprised given the fact that it wasn’t his usual style. In fact I don’t ever see him chatting up girls. It was at that point that I thought to myself ‘I haven’t really seen him with a girl before.’ A mission manifested itself in my mind. I felt a sense of ‘Things could happen for him…no, really, I can help make things happen.’ This quickly turned into ‘I know I can make this happen.’ I felt a sense of pride as if though I were crusading for something glorious.

I presented my mission to Tiny D who accepted it with a grain of salt, probably thinking ‘Whatever.’ His acceptance simply fueled the flames and I was totally on; I put on the game face and decided ‘I am going to be the best wingman this guy has ever had.’ I decided upon a strategy; Since Ocean was there, what better lead could you want? Girls will always trust a female stranger sooner than they would a male stranger (I believe this is referred to as common sense). Ocean would be our ice breaker and Lovin’ and I would be wingmen. What exactly does a wingman do?

Tangent!

Well, I am glad you asked. Wingmen minimize the occurrence of extraneous variables getting in the way of your friend meeting, or getting to know, a member of the opposite sex…or same sex….it doesn’t matter. Let me use the example of the ‘Pick and Roll.’ As most of us know a Pick is a play in basketball wherein an offensive player sets up a pick (stands next to a defenseman perpendicularly making a “T” formation so that it would block or make it difficult for the defenseman to move) so that his offensive teammate could move in the direction of the pick and go for the basket. The idea is similar for a wingman. If the person with which your friend wishes to engage has a friend (defenseman), your job as a wingman (no matter what he or she looks like) is to ensure that you are sufficiently engaging that friend in conversation…or drinks…or any activity not involving the person your friend is interested in. The primary objective of the wingman: Find as much alone time for your friend as possible. This applies to both men and women. A wingman is also there as auxiliary support. If you notice your friend is ‘losing’ him or her it is your duty as wing person to make him or her look better; Take the hit if you have to…just remember, Karma. Married people are the best wing persons by the way simply because they don’t have to engage in the silliness, karma has no effect on them and they find it all amusing. ANYWAY, another part of the auxiliary role is make sure that your friend doesn’t overdo it. I refer to this as ‘Offsides.’ Don’t let your friend overstep their bounds; they can’t expect to stand in front of the goal waiting for you to pass the ball nor can they expect to simply hook up immediately…that’s just rude! Keep things classy people! Anyway, I’m sure there are other intricacies of being a wing person which I have not covered but this should suffice for the time being. If you wish to continue this conversation with me leave your name and number in the comments section. My office hours are 7PM-12AM Mon-Fri EST.

...back to Wilmington...

After the first bar Lovin’ took us to another bar with a live Reggae band. I was all about it. I was feeling good and totally feeling the place. We drank there for a little bit and just had a good time. I noticed two girls on the dance floor and I was telling Tiny D that he should go up there and start talking to them. Nothing came of it except the kind of laughter when translated comes out to: 'Really? You think so? Nahhh...wait, really?.'

Eventually one of Lovin’s friends came by and took us to a party at another place just a few steps away. This place was not as fun as the Reggae bar but it was $2 drinks…all drinks….Très Très Dangereux!! After a few shots and rail drinks we started dancing. Everyone was dressed up in black and we were all in jeans and t-shirts. After making fun of ourselves for a little bit we decide to go back to the Reggae bar.

I was sufficiently sauced at this point and I noticed the two girls still dancing. I walk up to Tiny D to reconfirm out mission. This time the mission statement changed to ‘This is going to happen tonight!’ The troops gathered up and we made our way to the dance floor. Tiny D did not waste anytime at all and he began talking. Lovin’ steps up and engages the defenseman…err...I mean her friend. Ocean and I just enjoy the scene and continue our march on towards Margaritaville…or was it Tequilatown? Piñacoladaburg? I don’t remember…maybe it was Funkytown…no, no it was Mojitoisle!

So we were dancing and eventually we all decided to get going. Turns out Tiny D and Lovin’ did such a great job that we were all invited back to the ladies’ place for a nightcap. We sauntered on over their abode, Ocean and I are completely LIT! I could barely move and by the time we found a couch Ocean was already halfway passed out. As soon as I walked into the girls’ place I noticed two aquariums with ball pythons in them. ‘Interesting?! What kind of girls are they?’ As I sit in my drunken state the first thing that is handed to me is a mason jar filled with a clear fluid inside and a label on the outside talking something about Moonie. I have never had moonshine in my life and I really do not look forward to having it again. It leaves the taste of stupid in your mouth. What I mean by that is, as soon as I took a drink the first thing I said was ‘Oh God, that was stupid.’ (Note New Policy Update: Don’t drink clear liquids from a mason jar!). The stuff was disgusting and the rest of the night was a patchwork of images to me...

I recall Tiny D having the time of his life and Lovin’ was all over the place. One image I remember was Tiny D handing over a glass filled with red liquid over to Lovin’ and telling him to try it. He does and immediately exclaims ‘Dude, what the Fuck is that!?!’ the response was not any better: ‘Moonie and Cranberry.’ Unfortunatley my cosmopolitan friend tried to bring an urban feel to a rural drink. Not always the best of ideas.

At one point I remember they started playing ping pong…the whole thing was a fuzzy montage, their movements looked almost digitized to me. During a break, Tiny D came up to Ocean to ask her advice on the situation and her analysis of the female counterpart in question. He had made significant headway, the pick worked and the door was open, all he had to do was walk in. I am not sure if it was the state that she was in, but the oracle spoke pure wisdom: ‘Go For It.’ So simple and straightforward. She has spoken, Tiny D got the green light, just 'Go For It'...

What I clearly remember before passing out was that it was time for me to go…when we finally got home we all crashed immediately…no wait…I think I may have had a Krispy Kreme doughnut first.

I awoke the next morning wondering why I was fuly clothed but thinking and feeling that I had done good. I accomplished the mission, he did not believe me but we got him there. I felt like shit, my voice was gone I was about to fall back asleep but then I hear a shuffling on the floor next to me. I sit up to find Tiny D trying to get up and make his way to the kitchen for water. Lovin’ was passed out on the couch…so we thought. As Tiny D walks past Lovin’ all I hear is

‘Dude, she asked you to go get condoms….

....but you ended up sleeping here!’

Mission: nearly accomplished.

P.S What is was that whole thing about leading horses to water?

WELC ME

This totally made my day. This is exactly what I was talking about in my previous posting ('My Precious'). Thought I would share. Here is to awesome people!

'From your blog it seems like you are dealing with some heavy stuff so I thought I would send you this picture because you can't look at a sea otter and be angry -- not possible.'

-Ms. Otter

Picture by L.R.

Snakes in the Grass

Watch out for snakes in the grass. They may not look like snakes at first but eventually intentions reveal themselves. Snakes have a tendency to work their way around things. They are all fun and games until they get caught or feel threatened. That is when they start to try and protect themselves. So they do their due diligence; research, snoop but they won't ever confront you about something. They get off on thinking they find something on you so that when the time comes, if the time comes, that you may or may not step on their tails, they have venom to their bite. It’s the lying which is the true characteristic which defines the snake. It’s pretty sad actually, perpetually lying, hiding, making up stories, snooping around, such losers. Since they create so many lies which they have to live, it is logical to assume that snakes are paranoid. Paranoid of being caught, being exposed and seeing their self image fall to the ground in pieces before the very eyes of the people they try to impress. Their realities are so distorted that they eventually trip on their lies and get caught.

When they get caught they curl up and suffer because they cannot handle the shame. The shame cripples them, no where to run, in the spot light; they pour their hearts out in front of you, convincing you that they are not a good person and that they know they have not been a good person...but why now? Why pour your heart out now when you have finally been caught? I know why, because they are snakes and snakes play games. This is the last resort tactic. Other animals do it too, they play dead for example or loose a tail. It is an escape mechanism; they concede to a higher court for forgiveness or shall I say, they play the pity card.

The most pitiful thing is their sense of self worth. They act as if though they are the closest friend that you could have, the most trustworthy, like they do everything for you. Yet their paranoia gets in the way and that is when they start preparing themselves. Just remember that at any sign of betrayal on your behalf and they will retaliate and use things against you. Things that you trusted them with and things they think could hurt you.

So what do you do against such a creature? You play their game and you do your research, you send out your spies and set them up in different locations so that when the time comes, instead of combing through the grass looking for the snakes, you just burn down the field and watch him try to crawl out. You gather your evidence, find out what he thinks is precious, most of the time it is pride and image. Soil it and you have cornered him. Beware though, chances are that a snake always has a way out and chances are they are ready to strike...there is only one way to get immune to their venom; you inject yourself with it. Then you play the snake...but how? Wouldn't you like to know....

Coffee Talk

Imagine one of those days you wake up and everything is the way it should be. There is nothing in particular that you have to do, the sun is out, and your coffee smells great. You stand in front of the window looking out at the world and what it has to offer. All in all it is a perfectly normal day. There is nothing special about it until she wraps her arms around you as you stand in front of the window looking out. Her warm skin presses up against yours. A sensation of comfort makes its way from the base of your spine around to your torso as if though she had some sort of invisible cloak she were enveloping you with.

As you peer into the horizon you see both of your reflections transposed onto the landscape. There is nothing but the future for the both of you, nothing in the way, the world is your playground, you have chosen to share it with this person and it feels great. That sense of companionship and being with someone is so precious. You may not have the flexibility you once did when you were single but when you can come home at the end of the day to someone who loves you, that flexibility means nothing in the long run. What are you going to do with it when your friends are partied out? When all the people you hang out with every weekend is about ten years younger than you because they are the only ones who still want to party after all, they are young and single? I am not saying get married, but it is just that when you do not have anyone to share life with what happens to you?

I think of the lonely people that I know as well and ask myself if that is what I want to end up like. Of course, the loneliest people never seem to be the loneliest. They usually seem very active and have a great nightlife with tons of friends. I know many such people. Although, there is one person I know who is single, past the point of being able to have children and that doesn’t have a ton of friends, dislikes to party, and I wonder if she is lonely. To me such an existence is extremely lonesome but it seems that she embraces this solitude. Not for a pious, artistic or even an honorable reason. She just needs to be alone. She once told me that there was only so much of her boyfriend that she could take; they saw each other maybe 3 times a week. Interesting, I think.

All the partying in the world cannot amount to that feeling of comfort, or love and contentment that only someone special could bring. I think of all of my friends who have gotten married or are going to be married. I wonder if they have the kinds of mornings I am talking about? You know…when you can wake up next to someone look over and actually know their name…I am kidding. What I meant to say was, when you open your eyes and find someone else’s eyes watching you in absolute admiration and love. As soon as you wake up you feel great just being there with them.

1/4C

I turned 25 a week ago tomorrow. I would not say that it was a highly memorable birthday but I do have to admit that it was well representative of the state I am in now. It was quiet, a bit awkward and left me with a feeling of wanting to change. I am not unhappy or sad about the whole thing not being a huge celebration, there will be a time and place for those big celebrations. I feel good not being affected by it actually. I am taking more and more comfort in my detachment from where I am physically and who I spend my time with. Albeit, it is a bit lonely at times, but that is just a price to pay.

One cool thing that I did do was go to a Thai temple to get blessed. It was a relief, like a weight off my shoulder. At first I did not know how I felt after the blessing but the more I think about it, that visit to the temple really made my day. It made my birthday so much better than what it would have been had I not gone. During the blessing, I thought about all the positive things in my life and all the wishes, dreams and wants that I had. It felt really good because while I did, the monk prayed for all the negativities in my life to be swept away. I am not sure exactly why it feels good to have some spiritual backing or cleansing, I guess it reduces the whole ‘I am alone in this Universe’ feeling.

The thing about taking the Buddhist approach is that it is more inner development and inner strength focused as opposed to an external deity. I was raised Catholic and I find that being blessed by a monk is so much more relieving and revitalizing than confession is. I won’t delve further into that.

In any case, the universe seems to be unfolding the way it should be for me. The sequence of events taking place isn’t exactly great but I’m learning a lot about myself and where I want to go.

So Weit Wie Noch Nie

I like the words to this song. A bit sentimental but so am I...

...wir hören ein singen im raum...

...wir jagen die monotomie...

...wir machen aus stunden ein jahr...

...und mondschein aus unserem haar...

...wir fliegen so weit wie noch nie...

Song Name: 'So Weit Wie Noch Nie' by Jurgen Paape. It can be found on the DJ Kicks album by Erland Oye. The Translation is below...to the best of my abilities...

...we hear a singing in a room...

...we hunt down the monotony...

...we make years from an hour...

...and the moon shines from our hair...

...we fly as far as never before...

My Precious

Year after year we get farther away from our memories. Tennessee Williams once said ‘Time is the longest distance between two places.’ I cannot agree more. It seems as if despite how long you may have spent away from people you shared your life with, that distance can be reduced no matter what so long as pure honesty and uninhibited truths are the methods chosen to execute such a task. There is a certain something within us all that is so uniquely ones’ own that even the individual himself is not able to run away from it or change it. We may speak differently, look differently and perhaps we may look at life through tainted filters after the years and experiences have established themselves in between the folds of our lives. Yet it all comes down to a matter of perspective and that unique something is what establishes that perspective and has been establishing those perspectives since we were born into this world. That uniqueness is what reacts to the nature of time and the experiences it holds; it determines how we look at things and how we approach life. It is the very basis from which we decide our futures. At the same time this uniqueness’ are the only buoys we have to hold onto while we float across the great unknown, with fate as an undercurrent pushing and pulling you this way and that. All we can do is swim as hard as we can to get to where we want to be, hopefully we catch a good wave and fate gets us ever closer.

We may or may not like who we swim with but it appears that we as humans, as superior as we are, cannot choose who we get to build our experiences with. In essence it is much like a smaller representation of my earlier analogy; we can swim as hard as we can towards whomever we want to share our experiences with but there is no guarantee that it will happen. Some of the best life experiences I have had have been with people I never liked. I call them great life experiences because I don’t ever want to be in that position again and I know what I do not want in my life any longer.

It is great when you do find people to swim with though. You are able to share your uniqueness with them and, that being the solid basis of your relationship with that person, creates a commonality which can always be recognized no matter how much time, pain and happiness has passed the both of you by. Just to be fair, it would be imperative that whomever you reach out to accepts that uniqueness wholeheartedly, otherwise it would just be an uneven balance. Albeit, it is comforting to know that despite how transient we human beings are, the permanence resides within. Much like anything that is meaningful in one’s life. Moving around all of my life I realize that what makes me up is the only thing I have in this world that is truly precious.

The uniqueness an individual posses is the only real thing that anyone really has in their existence. Once you are able to reach out and share that with someone you are able to establish something amazing. The experiences we have in life feed that inner uniqueness, it grows it and nourishes it. It is unfortunate that most people would rather buy the accessories to create that uniqueness as opposed to simply letting it live on its own. Protect this distinctiveness by letting it grow on its own. Expose it to full light and water well with life.

Jibii!!

I just woke up from a dream and I did not want it to end but at the same time I wish there were more that could've been expressed. At least, thats what the past week felt like. Ms. Ocean came to visit me for one week and it was great…yet, I feel like I did not make enough use of it. I was so focused on having a good time that I neglected to get a lot of things out. It was the perfect opportunity for me to just let out a lot of emotions and I did not. It is so frustrating. Hindsight is always 20/20 huh?

In any case, it was good to have her over here because it got me back into the discipline I had originally set up for myself when I first got back from Europe. I have been steadily slipping back into the old ways and old habits since, this past week kind of just helped me put everything back on track. It is amazing that she can see all of these changes within me and she hasn’t even known me longer than some of the people here who cannot read me at all. Some thoughts from Ms. O…

‘…We've never finished the conversation about you being different in CH and the U.S. In my eyes you were more opened here in CH, in terms of every day life like the way you walk down a street, or walk around in the mall,.. In Switzerland I saw you much more looking at people passing by, I mean not just looking at them but sensing them. But this is something I’ve experienced for myself that americans are more reserved and attitude is very important for them. Like that it’s like nothing returnes if you look at them. Another point is that you cared more about what people think about you or what people could think, in the U.S than you did here. Or let me say impressions you give them...’

She is spot on, I am becoming more concerned about all of the unimportant things again.

She is an amazing person, she has a way of never letting you forget about how great life can be just by being herself. She exudes a natural sense of optimism which is highly contagious. Some people always look on the bright side of life, this woman actually lives there! She has proved to me that who I want to become is already inside me, he just has to take a step out on his own. She is one of the reasons why I want to get out of the US so badly. I am extremely lucky to have found her. When you know people like that it is very synergetic; things come together so naturally. Ja ja.

..unexplainable. It just IS..

This is what I mean when I say they

really FEEL me.

'I had a dream about you last night. We were back on Koh Chang sitting on the beach watching that incredible sunset from years ago. We were sitting there,....not talking...and all of a sudden you jumped up and dove into the ocean. You changed into a dolphin and bounded through the waves...letting the sun swallow you up in the distance. I woke up with a good feeling. I am pretty sure your heading in the right direction.
Thought I would share...
Love you.
M'

(Ms. Forest)


Photo: The Perfect Sunset
Photo By: S. Tobler
Location: Koh Chang, Thailand 2000
This image is an image of an image (I don't have access to a scanner!)

Where?

I find that whenever I try to make changes in my life threre is a period of time when nothing is really happeneing on the surface. Beneath it you are making changes but in order for you to notice the changes you have to stay focused and consitent. It is in that strange silence, that strange incubation period when things really count. You are really tested in terms of how much you want that change to occur. It is always during that strange silence where I find myself to become unsettled, confused, beggining to question my motives and worst of all I am unable to form any real conclusions. They say it is always when you are about to quit that things change for the better. I belive in that just because I have lived that scenario so many times over in my life. Throughout the process though, you just wander around hoping you are doing things right.

It would seem as if thought I were feeling my way through the darkness but it is not like that. Being in the dark would imply that you have no control over the situation. In this case I do have control over the situation. There is a door behind me and a door in front of me. In between is just nothing, not grey, not balck just emptiness. I look back and that door is getting smaller and smaller. I look ahead and that door doesn't get any bigger, it is still as small as it was to begin with. What do I do? Do I go back to what I know before that disappears all together or do I forge ahead and hope for the best?

One of the worst feeling I discovered, for myself, was when I looked at what I had in my hands, what I was hoping and dreaming to become when I graduated college. I look back at who I was before I left in August. I looked beyond that and to who I was exactly one year ago when I was 23 turning 24. Where I was, how happy was I? who was with me? Here is the question which kills me the most: What if before you left in August, you were at the end of a crappy, stressful and hard time? What if you quit right when things were about to get better? I guess I will never know, and it is probably better that way despite the fact that I feel so lost right now.

I turn 25 in 1 week and 1 day. I bought a book a few years ago about people who go through their 'quarterlife crisis.' The feelings of direction, social standing, work-life balance, issues of where one ought to be at this point all coming together. I do not know if I am going through a quarterlife crisis. I do not feel trapped, in fact I feel like I have a lot of options right now. There are so many ways to look at things. I am just so sick of the whole 'blah' phase.

The Fire Within

Something interesting happens to you when you change perspectives. Old goals do not seem so enticing anymore, old habits seem to be holding you down. For me what sticks out the most was my desire and want to go back to Bangkok, Thailand. I believe that my obsession with Bangkok has ended. I still love that city and I would go back in a heartbeat if I could, but my focus is no longer on it anymore.

I traced the outlines of countries I have lived in and visited throughout my life on a map and I realized how little I have seen. Do not get me wrong I know and appreciate the fact that I have been to many places and that I am lucky to have done so, but for me it is not enough. The world still has so much more to offer. The experiences I would have in those other places may not be as powerful as the experiences I had in Thailand but, why assume that? To assume so is to assume that life has nothing to offer but the past.

I cannot believe that for the longest time of my life I just wanted to go back to Bangkok and expect everything to be great again. How could I have been so naïve to think that? The answer lies within the fact that powerful experiences are much like powerful drugs; they are addictive and leave you wanting more. It is not the place necessarily that I was so enamored with but the experiences I developed there. As I said, Bangkok has a very special place in my heart, and I would love to go back even for just a visit, but I am no longer fighting for it. If that possibility crosses my path then I shall take it, otherwise I will look elsewhere. The world is huge and I think I want to dedicate my life trying to see as much of it as I can.

There are quite a few places I want to visit and there are a few places I am scared to visit. One place in particular is Rio DeJaniero. Why? I am scared because I know I will fall in love with the place, it would be so hard for me to leave. It has all the elements of life that I adore; metropolitan setting, beautiful people with partying in their DNA, tropical environment, beautiful hills, chaos, and beaches. I can already imagine it, the warm air on my face as soon as I walk out of the airport, the chaos of a big city in a third world, the cabbies waving you towards their cab and all the faces, all the beautiful faces looking at you with eyes so inquisitive. The nature of their inquisition remains to be revealed, but nevertheless the sense of being somewhere different overpowering you with every pass of their gaze.

There are so many places I want to go; Maldives, Sri Lanka, India, Pakistan, Iran, Egypt, Kenya, South Africa, Brazil, Peru, Galapagos Islands, Chile, Argentina, Jamaica, Japan, China, St. Lucia, St. Martin, Spain, Portugal, Monte Carlo, Malaysia, Borneo, Solomon Islands, Papua New Guinea, New Zealand, Morocco, Cote d’Ivoire, Laos, Burma, Macau, Venezuela, Columbia, Iceland, Norway, Canada, Saudi Arabia….the list goes on and on and on….once I run out of countries there is always Antarctica….and then the moon.

Travel is my passion. To me it is people, culture, and life all rolled into one big sushi roll ready for me to devour. I cannot get enough of it.

Passion can be a real bitch though can’t it? It has the power to override logic and throw your plans into oblivion whenever it feels like it. It is much like Life’s secret agent whom it planted within you. I have only been back for roughly two months and I yearn to break the bonds that hold me down. The spirit that resides within gets restless and anxious as the days go by.

It is very hard to direct the free spirit within myself. I know that once I am able to focus it I am capable of accomplishing anything I want in my life. It burns within me everyday, scratching away at the chains which hold him down. It is so hard to control this inner spirit. It is strange to write about it because it really is like its own entity at times. It is almost as if I literally have two sides to myself, one that wishes to keep things stable and controlled and the other is this fire that just burns and every opportunity for it to fly away, it will take. In the middle of this is my brain, who has the unfortunate task of mediating between the two.

It is even harder to control my spirit when I have a new perspective on life and all the old chains can no longer hold me back. It just wants to Go! Go!! Go!!! The problem is that it is never that easy, there is so much to clean up before I can even consider doing such a thing.

I look around my workplace. I look at the people I work with and try to get a sense of the fire within them. All I see is a want to settle down and a need for a sense of ‘normalcy.’ The idea of leaving the US is so foreign to them, they get goose bumps thinking about a life without TiVo, Grey’s Anatomy, Monday Night Football and NCAA anything. Imagine not being able to see the latest Hollywood blockbuster until six months after its premier! What about fashion?!?! This is where I start to laugh, fashion here is horrible, sure NY is a fashion power center, but no one else dresses like that unless they are in NY. People are a lot more creative and lot more open to creativity (which is conducive to a fashionable society) outside of these borders. In any case, I look at my coworkers and the cages that they have created for themselves. It is totally a psychological cage, and one which I don’t want to be a resident in. They created it, made it shiney and attractinve to others, and they would feel so insecure not having it around. It is almost like the Stockholm syndrome; they totally fell in love with their captors.

I am walking an extremely narrow line as I type. I have this extreme need to just go. Just leave everything behind that I know and let it fall to pieces. Give up all of these luxuries that control a lot of people’s lives. I need to go on my crusade, a crusade to save myself from all the crap that surrounds me here. I have obligations to people, to family and to myself to succeed in life. I need to fulfill those obligations, but success is not imminent upon that completion. Success is only possible within myself and to conquer myself I need to satisfy my life’s needs, my passion.

'Tear Down Thy House, Build A Ship!
Abandon Thy Possessions, Seek Thou Life!'
- The Epic of Gilgamesh

Farewell

Tonight I lost someone close to me. Tonight She drove off with Patsy. I will never see Patsy again, my sunshine has dwindled away into the horizon and merged with the beautiful sunset in my heart along with Her. Like the little boy and girl walking into the stars, they wade through the water and become one with my memories. Over the past few days since she left my apartment I realized that I can no longer be a part of her world as any character. She cannot let go and grow with me around. I want to hold on to the good things that I had left from our time together and being a part of her world right now just brushes away at those fond memories like sand paper on wood. With each stroke more pieces fly into the wind. This song reminds me of her and is the soundtrack I have chosen to remember her by...

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No not just for some but for everyone.

...there will always be a special place for her in my heart, but I cannot sacrifice myself everytime she needs it. It hurts too much to give and give and in return I get pain...

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some but for everyone.

...my feelings for her are not that of a lover, not anymore. I know that inside she is a great person. Somehow I know that we are still going to be close, that even though we will not be friends anymore and not talk or see each other again for a long long time, she would be someone who did care for me and someone I will never forget...

Lord, we don't need another mountain,
There are mountains and hillsides enough to climb
There are oceans and rivers enough to cross,
Enough to last till the end of time.

...I know it may seem like I still want Her sweet embrace again, as if though I yearned for what we had. In truth it is the fact that we shared a lot together in five years and it is very hard to let go of someone that you shared a lot of emotion with during those five years. I wish this did not end this way because I really wanted a strong friendship...

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
No, not just for some but for everyone.

...she is out of my life now and I am out of hers. I do not know if we will ever be chracters in the stories of our lives again. This book has ended and it is time to move to the next one. I know I have been saying that a lot but this time, this time it really is happening...

What the world needs now is love, sweet love
It's the only thing that there's just too little of
What the world needs now is love, sweet love,
No, not just for some, oh, but just for
Every, every, everyone.


Lyrics By: Burt Bacharach and the Posies
Performed By (in my mind): Tara Kocourek
Photo: "One Last Picture"
Photo By: S. Tobler
Notes on Photo: This is the last picture of Her and I that was taken and the first (and last) picture of us together as friends.

'HA HA HAs' and Their Consequences

Noun1.mynah bird - tropical Asian starlings -
glossy black Asiatic starling often taught to mimic speech

(From thefreedictionary.com)

I love making people laugh. It feels so good to see people’s faces explode into laughter. It is funny how many situations laughter can get you in and out of. It is so universal that it transcends any language. It is also a kind of social grouping mechanism. If you laugh together or by yourself, it sends a message to people. It even comes down to the kind of laugh that you have. Do you have an annoying laugh? A funny one? Infectious? All of the above perhaps? I have been told that my laugh is almost like a comic book laugh in that you can almost see the bubble and the words. At least that is what I have been told. I know one person who laughs with the back of their throat making a kind of rough K added to a Shhh like, kshh shh shh shh shh. It is interesting to say the least.

Laughing expressions are great too. Some people cover up their mouths, some have wide open mouths but no sound emanates from it. Some people look like they are crying when they laugh really hard. I have another friend who cannot breathe if I make him laugh to the point where it hurts his stomach. What I have yet to come across though is someone losing ‘control’ of certain bodily functions while laughing. I mean, I know some people who have farted from laughing so hard. That is just hilarious and just adds to the humor…and causes people to run for cover.

The cultural aspect of laughing is pretty interesting to me. I am half Filipino and laughter is a big cultural thing in the Philippines. If you cannot take a joke I highly recommend not going there or at the very least leave your egos behind (that should be pretty standard for any traveling anyway). In the same light, make sure you can crack a joke as well. Jokes in the Philippines are very witty, word change/double meanings etc. So the faster you are and the more observant you are the funnier you tend to be. In the end you would be more accepted there as well. I actually have a funny story about a family member….

Everyone has their own style of laughing. I have a Filipino ‘uncle’ (more like second cousin but I called him uncle) named Elmer, and he has such a unique and infectious laugh. You know, the kind that if you hear it you cannot help but laugh as well, or cannot bear to listen to if the joke was at your expense. It either cracks you up or gets under your skin. In the Metro-Manila area where he lives called Passay City, across the street from his home, a neighbor has a Myna Bird.

These particular birds have the ability to mimic what you say better than most parrots I believe, but not as cunning of a linguist as an African Grey. ANYWAY, this particular bird heard my uncle’s laugh so many times, and my uncle’s laugh being so unique and very memorable, the bird can now laugh just like him. Almost exactly like him. The funniest part is that people would call out his name in a very loud, very Filipino manner and the bird would respond using Elmer’s laugh. You have to understand that Filipinos (even the mestisos like me) have a natural ability to get loud. Filipino women have amazing vocal cords… just come over to my family’s place for dinner you will see.

One night, one of the elder female members of the neighborhood was looking for Elmer. She thought he was out and about getting drunk at the neighbors place when in fact he was watching a movie at a friend's house. She did not like that thought at all. This particular elder did not know about the Mynah bird. She calls out his name a couple of times:

‘ELMER!!’

No response, once again

‘ELMER!’

Still nothing, a little more drawn out this time.

‘EEELLLMMEERR!!’

In response she hears his laugh about 20 meters away. Feeling a bit insulted she cries out

‘ELMER! Umuwi ka na lasingero!’

Which translates to

‘ELMER! Come home now you drunkard!’

Once again she hears that laugh, it gets under skin, she cannot stand hearing it. The blood rushes to her head and the Filipina Phoenix rises from within.

‘ELMER PUTANGINAMO HAYUP KA! UMUWI KA NGAYON WALANGHIYA KA. SUSMARIJOSEPH!’

Translation =

‘ELMER YOU SONOFABITCH ANIMAL! COME HOME RIGHT NOW YOU SHAMELESS PERSON. JESUS, MARY & JOSEPH!’

She picks up a ‘Walis Tingting’ (bristle broom; twigs put together to make a broom) and starts to march towards the laughter ready to use it like a Louisville Slugger.

‘Bubogbugin kita! Akala mo sino ka….’

(I’m going to beat you up! Who do you think you are….?’)

It was at that point that she reaches the street and realizes that she was marching towards her neighbor’s front steps where the bird, looking at her with dark beady eyes, its bright orange beak giving it a comical expression, looks at her as if begging for her to keep playing this game. She lowers her weapon, but ever so cautiously, her big brown eyes darting left and right searching for any sign of human presence.

The neighbors turn on their lights and stick their heads out of their windows both curious and annoyed at this lady screaming profanities in the middle of the night, in the middle of the street. Although not an uncommon sight in Passay it was still quite a sight. She was in her ‘Duster’ (I have no idea what that is in English…its like a gown I guess) and a hair net. The embarrassment sinks in and she makes her way back to her house when suddenly she hears that laugh again…it wasn’t the bird, it is too far. Sure enough my uncle came home, walking calmly smiling. He sees her waiting in the middle of the street. In her gown, a hairnet and a Walis tingitng. The look on her face so indignant.

He burst out laughing at the sight of her. That laugh, that laugh which caused her so much touble. The Mynah bird joins in the chorus. It was like laughing in a tunnel, the laughter echoed in her ears. She cannot contain herself anymore, he is greeted to a lovely beating. She took the Walis tingting to him so hard and so fast he did not have enough time to question her wrath. He screams in a comedic semi-protest, laughing the whole while:

'Aray! Ang sakit! Ano ba ang problema mo?

Para ka namang Nanay ko! Hoy Tama na! Ang sakit!

(Ouch! That hurts! What is you problem?

You are acting like my mom! Stop it already! That hurts)

His infectious-annoying laugh just fuels her on...

'Sige, tumawa ka ng tawa! Tumawa ka ngayon!'

(Go ahead, keep laughing! Laugh now!)

.....he has no choice but to run away.

Her wrath existed not because he was late or belligerent, because his laugh cost her some shame. The neighbors giggled, turned off their lights, closed their windows and receded into their quiet darkness.

One time, I was in southern Java, Indonesia. I was sitting on a beach I had visited previously on a school trip. The area was called Pangandaran. This time around I was travelling wth my father and his friend. It was a beautiful place filled with so much life and vegetation. As I sat on the beach this person comes up to me and starts talking to me in Javanese. I speak Bahasa but not Javanese. He was a comical looking guy with black teeth (from chewing Beetle Nut) and crazy hair. He had not shaved in weeks, which to a western man is the equivalent of a 3 o’clock shadow. His eyes were wide and full of energy and grew even more as he told his story. I caught bits and pieces of his story, flashing a smile here and there to show my interest and to not disprespect him.

His story came to a climax and then he bursts out laughing. I laugh with him because this guy just looks so silly and yet so genuine. His big brown eyes turned into a fold amongst many folds on his face. His semi-toothless smile bearing all black teeth in full display. Hands in the air and bellowing like no one's business. On some level we were communicating, I am not sure exactly on which level but it existed. He told me to follow him, so I did (not always the wisest thing to do). He took me around a cove to a small inlet, a tiny beach where you could barely fit my entire eith grade class shoulder to shoulder. There was no one there. Clear water, white sand and a coral reef. It must have been overlooked by the tourists or just simply too small for them to even care. The beach had no use for locals simply because you could not access the beach via a boat. It was like my private beach. It was great and all I did was laugh. My 'friend' showed me where what was, where not to go and how to get back. Afterwhich he left me to my beach and disappeared into the jungle. At that point I thought to myself, 'Good thing all you have is a room number...' I spent the rest of the day on my own and watched the sunset. I never saw him again…Pangandaran was recently hit hard by a Tsunami, not the huge one, it was another, smaler one, but nevertheless deadly. I hope my 'friend' is alright. I wonder if that small beach still exists...

Everytime I think of people I try to remember how they laugh. I like to think I remember people by their smiles and laughter. It is my favorite way of connecting with people. I have been doing this thing I read about in a book by Malcom Gladwell called Blink. At one point of the book he talks about how a couple of scientists found that feeling happy triggers smiles and vice versa. Yup, if you smile you will eventually feel happy. So I have been trying to do so...and it works. At first I semi-laughed at myself because you feel like and idiot smiling all the time. Eventually I started to notice that it did work, I have more good days because of it. I recommend you try it. People will remember you better.

Image from www.paultonspark.co.uk

Universe vs Me

Me Serving,
0-0

I have this ongoing, never ending tennis match with the universe. Whenever I decide to make a decision which has a great impact on my life the universe decides to come back with a tougher response or setting. When I choose to quit smoking it is not at the most convenient time, emotionally-making it a harder challenge. When I decide to keep an eye out of who I surround myself with and mind who may real friends are, I find that I am picking and choosing at a time where I should be surrounding myself with people just to keep my mind off of things. I get my points in though. Sometimes the universe gives a lot my way.

Universe Serving

15-Love

Someone from my past "found" me. She was a good friend of mine in Jakarta, Indonesia while attending middle school. What a fucked up time...so much emotion mixed with hormones. Throw in rebellion, dislike of social norms and school dances = a cocktail of pure youth. It is a shot, a rough one at that..you know the ones that do not go down smooth...like Absolut. It is not a drink, like beer, which lasts longer. This type of youth is a shot; it lasts a very short time, fucks you up and you find yourself ordering more. Unlike beer, which is definately older, you enjoy it a bit longer. Sometimes you have a beer and you say to yourself, 'hey! lets have a shot! For old time's sake!' that is called reminicing youth. Yes, drinks can transport you back in time (at least it would seem like it at the moment) but it is the ride back that kicks you in the nuts- aka the hangover.

Me Serving
Love-30

So this person finds me right, and I am thinking 'what timing!' I mean, it is a bit odd for me to think of her to be reading all of this stuff (after not having talked in...god knows...over 8 years?). IF YOU ARE READING THIS NOW GO TO THE COMMENTS OF THE LAST POSTING AND CONTACT ME SO I CAN PREFACE ALL OF THIS!! (.....or you can go to http://burningdownhighways.blogspot.com first and read the 'Raison D'etre' posting for some small background on the current situation).

Universe Serving
30-15

So she catches me at a pivotal point in my life much like the time we first met. When I lived in Jakarta I was going through some big changes. Seeds were planted there which eventually blossomed in Bangkok. It is so funny because we were so into the '90s Seattle music thing and she finds me after posting lyrics from a Pearl Jam song! I no longer listen to them as religiously, in fact I really don't listen to them much unless, well, I am at a time of significant chage....odd? Spock what is your analysis? 'Given the circumstances these so called 'anomalies' which you humans refer to as 'fate' are explained by pure probability. You see...' Yes thank you Spock..

Me Serving
Deuce

Sunshine

To my Beloved Sunshine,

I will never forget you my dear Patsy, I will always love you no matter where you are. I know that you are too young now to remember me in the future when you are fully grown, but I hope that somewhere inside of your heart you have made a small place for me. Somewhere next to your favorite toys, your favorite snacks and snuggle time I hope that you will always find me with my arms open waiting for you to play.

I know that we will see each other again sporadically over the next few months. Although, when we meet I will no longer be your father. It kills me to say that. You have saved me so many times from the dark sadness, the empty loneliness and you have always been there gushing with love, full of light, for me and everyone around you. I wish your mother and I could have provided better for you, provided more love, for you certainly deserve so much better than what we are giving now.

It seems silly of me to be so close to tears writing this to you when I had written so many other emotionally charged postings without shedding a single tear or ever coming close to having watery eyes. I know that you will be happy with your mommy, and I know that your mommy is going to need you more than ever now; so you take good care of her and snuggle hard! Try not to tear up too much stuff in the new place!

I love you Patsy. If I could take you with me I would take you all over the world. I will never forget your beautiful face looking up at me with such loving eyes. You are my first baby, and you always will be. Don’t forget me, my dear, dear Sunshine.

All of my love,

Daddy

5, 60, 1,825, 43,800, 2,628,000, 157,680,000

Today was supposed to be our 5th year anniversary. Today is my last day as Patsy’s father. My place is ready to be my own, to be taken over like the life I reclaimed for myself. It is almost over now. This is what we wanted. The dreamers are free. The machine is broken, it just needs to be swept away. Under a rug, by the tide, to decay with time, it does not matter; it just needs to be taken away. I feel exhausted, all these pieces lying everywhere. I am not sure where to start cleaning up. What a mess we have made. So much to clean up!

She darts in and out picking up her pieces and moving them away. Keeping as busy as ever. I watch what she takes and every time she removes I replace, to fill the void. I cannot stand the void, it is too much to bear. Emptiness, it drains so much energy from you and in its place it leaves negativity and a sense of loss. There is enough loss to go around right now. We do not need anymore.

It has been a rough month and a half. It seems to all conclude now. What a story maker fate is. For fate has provided the both of us quite the story. Perhaps one day I shall share it with you, but for now I shall simply share the interesting way that fate has chosen the day we became one, to be the exact same day, five years later, to become ourselves again.

The past five years have been the most intense five years of my life thus far. It is so hard to let go of someone who you have grown with, cried with, loved with and relied on for so much. I used to think that she was more dependent on me. As this story concludes though, I start to see how dependent on her I was as well. I have pointed out everything that was going wrong with it in the past postings. Seeing as we are about to cross the finish line, I think it is only appropriate to share how much there was between the two of us.

Yes, the machine went out of control , but it is so critical to remember that we invested so much into it and into each other. Our dream drove us. We were truly a great team, we only needed each other. Not many people here in this city know both of us individually without the other. In fact most people cannot fathom the thought of us as individuals. I guess that is why it is better we go our own ways to find ourselves.

What we had was a beautiful thing. It will never happen again to me. I will never forget her and the impact that she has made in my life. To say otherwise would negate the past five years and reduce it to nothing but a memory. I know she will find her happiness, she is destined to. We saved ourselves, our lives are in front of us and we can see our dreams clearly now. What is in between us and those dreams, I do not know. Will we ever reach them? I cannot say. She has gotten me through so much of the crap involved with this place, I am sure she can get herself through the unknown...

To Her:

Thank you. Thank you so much for the past five years. Thank you for being there when you were, for all the beautiful times, for fighting for and with me when you did, for the love you gave, for Patsy, for all of the adventures, for our dream. I will never forget you and all that you have done for me. I know this is not a farewell, as in we will not see each other again. I guess this is a farewell to how we see each other.

Friendship is not such a bad ending is it? Know that I look to those five years with joy. Warm feelings fill me when I do think of them, our happy times together. I hope that we can keep those times where they are and look forward. We will always have those moments in our hearts but as it is we can no longer live them out; it would be to our downfall as individuals.

I stand out of your way now, you are free to be. I am sorry I stood in the way so many times. From now on I want you to remember that I will always be here to support anything you need to do to find yourself and to realize your dream. You are a beautiful person, one of the most beautiful people I have had the honor of knowing. I am so lucky to have had you in my life for so long. I will do my best to be there through the rough times.

As much distance as there will be between you and I, I will be out there somewhere and know I will not give up on our friendship. Let's look to the world now and find our happiness.

- S -

It Is Like An Addiction

At times I wonder what would’ve been had I not ventured into the unknown when I did. Would I have been happier than I am now with the calm and the peace of mind that everything is settled. Is it better to not know what could be? Should I have taken the blue pill Morpheus? It is hard to say that given the fact that I did not really have a choice but to leave. So, was it fate then? Am I destined to an unsettled life? Or is it me that creates these situations for myself? Do I set up feeling unsettled and create a situation for me to make some sort of move just to feel normal? If that is the case then I truly am a nomad, physically, mentally and spiritually. So why do I question it?

I watched A History Of Violence last night and I fell in love with the relationship the main character had with his wife. It was so calm and they were so into each other. It emanated from their very being, the aura of contentment glowing on their faces; happiness, just pure happiness with each other. I do not aspire to such a setting, mind you, cow land is not for me, but I took to their relationship so quickly. Something inside me started to scream out “That is what I want!!” It was such an intense feeling because it is something that I am not sure I will ever have in my life. Some things are meant for some people. I could see my dear friend Ms. Forest having that, it is quite the possibility for her. I am too ambitious I think, too willing to see the world and engaging in everything that it hast to offer. Everything has a price.

I guess that it would be possible to try and settle down at some point in my life. People say I need to. It is hard for me to see that though when I have never done it. My parents raised my brother and I in so many different countries. Do we long for a place to settle? I cannot speak for my brother, but I really cannot see that prospect in my life at the moment. I know my mother is yearning for it. My father may be as well.

So then my questions change; Is this epoch that I am going through right now a manifestation of some internal timing function meaning that I was overdue for a change and all I needed was a reason to do so? Have I become so accustomed to changing my life every five years that it drives me crazy to stay in one place for more than five? Is this a “Pavlov’s Dog” situation? I surely am frothing at the mouth to move and am in desperate need of a new change.

I look around at the people who I surround myself with. They all want to settle down in some form or shape. They are all focused on making their lives easier, being with people they love and finding their place. I on the other hand have decided to make life harder for myself in the hopes that it would become easier to manage down the line, with the hopes that it would be exciting, that there is something out there for me, someone, somewhere. “It is not always going to be this hard” people say. Sure I believe that, but the premise behind that is you keep your head down, stay in one spot and keep going. Consistency, that is the word. It is what is required of one to be happily settled, couple that with contentment and voila! You have a happy, stable and secure life. If there is one thing I am consistent about it is shaking things up when things are about to settle down.

It is a strange feeling/state of mind that I am going through right now. There are a lot of things playing into it. For example, I am turning my current residence into what I want. Quite frankly, I am happy with the result. I caught myself saying, ‘feels like home finally’ and I began daydreaming about all the fun I would have being on my own again. That’s when I started asking myself all of these questions.

I think I may be putting too much emphasis on the physical aspect of settling down. I guess what I am getting to is that I would simply love to have a moment in my time where I am not fighting for something all the time. I have been chasing dreams and whenever I get close to it, it almost seems as if I switch gears and find another one to chase. Chronic dreamer? Perhaps.

I cannot lose focus, I think I am just feeling the pressure, feeling the yearning to go back to what is normal. It is like an adiction.

A Soundtrack

Really Into This Song Right Now. Love the Words......

Oh, tonight began with anything.

Shaft of a light. A warm breath and a scream.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, tamper if you like between the doors.

Oh yeah can't expect to go out, 

to go out with anything, anythingmore.

Oh reach the door. A breath and a...Oh reach the door. 

Life ain't what it's worth.

A breath and a... Oh reach the door.

All these reaching hands out grabbing things. Grabbing me.

Day in day out accumulating. Ah yeah.Whoa. 

I suggest you step out on your porch.Oh yeah. 

Run away my son. See it all. 

Oh see the world.

Oh reach the door. 

A breath and a...Oh reach the door. 

Life ain't what it's worth.

A breath and a... Oh reach the door.

Come. Here it comes. There it goes. 

When it comes.Where it goes. 

Where it comes.Can't see through the faith. 

Come. Here it comes. There it goes.Grasp what you can.

Don't you know there's something inside your head, yeah.

Oh, if I knew where it was I would take you there but there'smuch more than this.

Whoa, much more than this. 

Woh see the world. 

Much morethan...Oh, much more than. Why?

Breath - Pearl Jam

Realease Them

A white light fills my universe. I can’t hear anything I cannot see anything. I look at my hands and it is a black silhouette against a backdrop of pure light. This is the great unknown, the gamble. Where I lie does not matter. I think of everything that has happened. I think of everything I have given up. I think of my parents and their fears for me. My friends, my real friends. I think of the mentors I have in this world who probably do not know that they are my mentors. I think of her…did I do her wrong? Or did we save each other? I believe we saved each other. I think of what lies ahead, happiness awaits me in another land. Happiness waits to wrap her arms around me in a huge embrace.

I begin to see color. Orange streaks come out of the distance. Followed by a blue, then a red, violet, green, yellow, black, white, pink, peach, marigold...it was perfect. It was my sunset. I look down at myself, my clothes are tattered, I am cut and bleeding. On the beach sitting on the sand was that little boy. He looks at me briefly, I notice that the bright light was no longer emanating from his very being. I make a motion towards him but he puts his hand up as if to say ‘stop!’ He points at my heart and he points at the sunset. Immediately I knew. I did not bottle the light, the dreams, into a small package to protect. I let it into my heart and it now reflects on the outside world, my dreams on the inside, and my sunset on the outside.

I begin to ask him what happened to her and the little girl but he put a finger to his mouth and told me to listen. In the distance I hear laughter, it was her. I squint my eyes and down the beach the little girl ran around her playfully. Getting close to her and getting away from her grasp just as quick. Her elusive dream. Will she ever catch it? It is no longer for me to ponder.

I look at the little boy as he walks slowly up to me. He points to a cut on my chest. ‘It will heal one day, soon.’ I reassure him. He begins to back away. The little girl appears out of nowhere. They look at each other. She comes running up next to me. My sunset has disappeared and is replaced by millions and millions of stars. The dreamers walk towards the water holding hands. When their feet touch the water they face each other again, one last time. Something grabs them by the hands and leads them away from each other, is it fate? I do not know. They look back over their shoulders at each other as they are being led away, their right hands clasped by another being, like they were being led away by their parents. They manage one last wave 'bye-bye,' before they disappear into the stars.

The Dreamers

The dreamers see their sky open up. Two faces peer in, exhausted faces, riddled with stress and worn out by frustration and pain. At first the dreamers are scared, and they hold each other tighter, but then they look the faces in the eyes and realize who they are. The light and warmth resonating from within the dreamers pulses and heaves. They are doing it, they are dreaming…

As we stare at the children we lock eyes with them. A surge of energy almost pushes us back. The light gets brighter. A feeling overwhelms us. It is a familiar feeling, the ones you have as a child daydreaming away. It comes from them, they are dreaming, wait, they are dreaming our dreams. I stare into the heavens watching my dreams escape into space and I feel a sense of contentment overpower me. I have no hate, no anger, no animosity anymore. I see now, staring into the endless sky my dreams, free, finally free. I look over at her and see that she is grasping at the air, trying to catch the pieces of heaven as they fly by her face like lightning bugs in June. Trying to ‘save’ them and put them in a bottle, so scared of losing them.

I run towards her and I smash the bottle onto the remains of the machine, she looks at me in shock and I scream ‘Can’t you see?!? You cannot bottle them up anymore, you have to set them free, Look! Look at them!’ I point to the children, wide-eyed and starring at us in absolute excitement as if this is what they had been waiting for; a chance to be free, a chance to live out who they are, dreamers.

I continue to rip apart the machine with a renewed vigor. No more tears, just happiness, pure light running through me. Little flashes of light surrounds me and my heart, I begin to notice that it, the light, is coming from me now as well, not just the dreamers. The little boy looks at me with eyes cheering me on. I hear a high pitched noise, like something is stuck in a vacuum cleaner except at a higher pitch. I look over to her and she is even more scared, I tell her to keep going. The little girl looking at her in desperation, her eyes begging, pleading, for her to keep going, to not give up. I continue ripping and pulling. The sound gets louder and louder. The machine shakes, it begins to groan, this is it! Almost there just………..one……….more......

………….………………………..SILENCE………………………………………………

...deus ex machina?....

The tears stream down our faces as we rip apart the hard exterior. Sweat, blood and frustration all combined together. We smash through, sparks flying, as effectively and with as much speed as we can. The pieces come off one by one and the insides of the machine reveal itself. It gets harder and harder to take this machination apart the closer we get to the center. As we break through the hard exoskeleton the soft inside reveals itself, an explosion of emotions hits us full force like trapped vapors in a pressurized environment...

It is easier to take out a lot of anger, animosity, annoyances and frustrations on the negative, hard and colder aspects of the machine. It is once you break through the shell, though, that you realize what the machine was made from. Like Dracula and all of the classic monsters, it was love that created them and love that created this machine. Seeing that stops us in our tracks and the tears of anger turn to tears of sadness as the beauty of what once was overwhelms us both.

…The vapor fills our bodies with memories as it dissipates, floating away into space as a fragment of time. The light within the machine shines bright at first but it weakens, as if injured, broken even. We keep dismantling, slower this time. The realization sinks in, reality solidifies the plan. We know that we have reached the point of no return, we MUST keep going. She stops every once in a while to gather herself. I cannot help but look and feel sad, but only for a second. I can no longer cherish these memories with her. She looks to me as if to invite me in, to remember our lost child. I reach out to her, take the piece in my hand and help her to put it down. All the while smiling, telling her that it is ok, we can let go now, there is nothing to fear.

This moment of closeness lasts only a split second and then we remember what we are doing and the distance returns...

Fear. It is the ultimate hurdle. It makes and breaks but what it makes is never a good thing and what it breaks always is.

…the fading light emanating from the machine traces out a silhouette. We cannot see what it is so we pick up the pace, breaking off more pieces. The more we break apart the machine the more the silhouette takes form. It is a human. No, there are two humans, children. They could not see us, we are too far away. What we can see are two children naked, cold and scared holding each other. They are the source of the fading light. They cannot see us, they cannot see the opening at first, but one senses it. It is a boy, he is looking up and around. The other, a girl lifts her head and senses the change in their environment. As they look around curiously I catch a glimpse of the little boy. She catches a glimpse of the little girl. We both say to ourselves “I know you. Where have you been all this time…”

Pronounced Feelings

I have not done a spur of the moment posting before but I think now is a good time because it would be good to see how I am truly feeling with all these things going on around me.

Today is an interesting day for me. I am full of mixed feelings but the ones which are more pronounced are a sense of detachment, inquisitiveness and an overall state of contentment with my life. It would be great to get the chance to step outside of myself for a few hours today.

I had the chance to talk to my good friend Ms. Forest last night. As sad as she is about the situation I am in now she is extremely happy for me overall. She is almost jealous about my plans in that she would like that lifestyle back; we once had the same lifestyle being international children and traveling everywhere. She yearns for it again but growing roots is more important to her, on top of which she has found her place with the one she loves. I am truly happy for her. Talking to her was great because she completely reassured me that I am going the right way. In my previous posting I was talking about how the self doubt was getting to me, well, that is resolved. You may think that ‘yeah but she is your friend and she will always support any decision’ not true. There have been times in the past where she has vehemently opposed certain actions which I was contemplating to take. There is a balance with her and that is why I listen.

There is enough craziness in my life to make some of the strongest people I know break down. It is the state of mind that I am currently in that is really making the difference for me. It isn’t that I am not letting these things get to me. That would imply that I am putting effort into not being affected by these issues. The fact is I do not even try to stay happy or focused or anything. I make no effort at all beyond thinking about the possibilities the future holds. I kind of just accept it all for what it is and in so doing nothing hurts right now. It is almost like I transcended some sort of barrier by simply taking a different perspective. The self doubt thing is a bit different in that it is myself that questions my actions and almost my very being. When that happens nothing can protect you, because I believe that it is only oneself that can truly destroy everything you are.

Some people may think that I am still experiencing the ‘travel residue’ or ‘travel nostalgia.’ Well, it has been a month since I got back. Not feeling very nostalgic. Although I do feel very alive whenever I think about that trip…

The 'S' Inquisition

Self doubt is a real pain in the ass. I keep going through bouts of self interrogation. This past weekend I spent most of my time questioning my motives and maybe trying to justify people’s suggestions or arguments against my decision to repatriate. I do not think that there is a critic out there that is more critical of me than myself. Therein lies the problem. As soon as the opportunity arises for me to criticize my own motives the damage can be paramount to the decisions I made or the direction in which I want to change. This is the point where outside counsel is extremely important. It seems so juvenile, though, to search for reassurance, especially when you know you are in a situation where there are very few people who would offer such a thing.

I must admit that this whole self-interrogation thing is a part of who I am. I have always done this for as long as I can remember; I play as my own devil’s advocate. I used to call it my ‘failsafe mode.’ I like to cover all angles. I approach a lot of things in this manner; I like to see every possibility that I can. Despite how much I want to completely change a significant amount of aspects about myself, there are just some things abut me that will always be the same. This is one of them. Is it a good or a bad thing? I do not know. I guess the most important thing is that I do not let it consume me like it used to.

When it did I became so full of fear. Primarily fearful of failure and secondarily fearful of being alone. Fear was probably one of the the main underlying reason why my realionship with my exgirlfriend broke apart. We held on to each other beacause we wanted the safe route to a dream which required a bit more daring.

I think I have this undercontrol, I just need some reassurance.

Kindred Spirits

Nothing feels better than connecting with someone you know you are meant to connect with. It is like as soon as you lock eyes with that person you instantly know. It is a bit scary, exciting and just awesome . A lot of your energy just starts to focus on that person and you get a rush like you've known that person for ages. The best is when they disagree with you because that is when you know they think for themselves. Not jut another "yes" person. They are the ones without the conditions, these connections do not have expiration dates. They would never use anything against you, feel like you owe them something, or feel like they deserve better. They just are, and for that they are beautiful. I am lucky enough to have three such people in my life. They have always unconditionally reached across and never backed away. There is a very special connection with all of them, unlike others to whom you would have to tell all your problems to verbatim, these three pick up on it without having to see me, without being near me at all. Two live 8 hrs from me and the other is just even farther away. I will refer to them as the Rock, the Forest and the Ocean. The Forest always calls when I am going through significant changes in my life. I don't have to tell her, she just calls, out of the blue. The Rock, who lives close to the Forest, is like a solid foundation. No matter what I am going through he will be there and always has been, unconditionally. The Ocean, the newest addition to the all star line up, is the most intense at the moment. I can't even begin to describe that connection because it just surpasses so many expectations of what you look for in another human being. This is my support group. It is hard not having them around on a regular basis but I am lucky enough just to have found them in the first place. They are just a phone call away and that is all that is needed. Sure, you always need a support group around you but if you have your all star line up you are good to go. Having an immediate support group is great logistically and technically, but finding kindred spirits is a different story. That connection transcends almost all barriers. The Rock and the Forest are settling down, not with each other mind you. My good friend Mr. Rock got married not too long ago. I was a groomsman for his wedding and I am very proud to say that it was my first groomsman role. It will be great to have those two as anchors. Ms. Forest is going to get married soon and I will be there for that too. I have to be, she won't have it otherwise. Ms. Ocean is not settled down. To me she represents what the right perspective on life should be. Or, should I say, what I believe the right perspective on life as well. Without their support this process which I am undergoing would be so intense and would probably break me. Just like working out, you break the muscles and they reform "stronger." I would break and the whole molding process would begin anew. Before it hits me I am back to who I did not want to become and would pass off this "realization thing" as some form of vacation residue. It is funny how that is what most people want me to go through. They want to see me crumble and just be the 'same ol' me' that everyone remembers and liked. It is easier that way you know.

I have to say that there are two other people that have been there for me before. One of them does not know what I am going through right now just because he is far away. The other knows and has been great at just helping me through all of this. I don’t call them kindred spirits but these two are my “Leave Your Bullshit At The Door” kind of guys. They make sure that I am always having a good time, and they do their best to do the same for themselves!! I will refer to them as Mr. Rhyme and Mr. Lovin’.

Mr. Rhyme lives on the other side of this country. He is pursuing his dreams and took the big step of leaving this miserable place to do so, all on his own. He has never been one to settle down. He has always been there whenever I needed it. Unlike my three other friends he cannot tell when things are going wrong but he certainly knows ho to cheer me up.

Mr. Lovin’ is even more of a free spirit. Talk about a guy that is not tied down. He is definitely a happy go lucky kind of person. When he gets lucky he gets really lucky, although he hits the extremes and bad luck hits just as hard as good luck does. The great thing about him is that he can take just about anything life hurls at him and still hold a smile.

Mr. Rhyme and Mr. Lovin’ are actually very important people in my life in that they also keep things in perspective for me. They remind me to have a good time, that we all have our problems to deal with. Without these two I would have found myself in some definitely unhappy ruts.

Fortunately for me I have these people in my life. Not many others can say that, well, they may be able to but I wonder how well they know their friends, are they willing to put up with your shit? How long for? Are they even actually going to be there?

Seeing Through Them...

It is interesting to know that in order to see your friends’ true colors simply wait for a situation in which their priorities must be put into question. Not just any kind of situation where they can make something up, but a situation in which they can either stand to gain or to lose. There has to be some sort of incentive otherwise they can just say whatever they wish and be convincing of it. Throughout this process which I am undergoing I notice that a lot of true colors begin to come out.

I have started to see and hear that the people I used to call my close friends are not that at all. In fact, it seems as if though they would rather listen to your story out of amusement and as a source of gossip rather than for what it is. The worst is when they present their case as to why you could trust them. In my case I listened to one person lie to my face about certain things going on in their world after having been assured that my trust in them is being reciprocated. Quite frankly I do not care what goes on in other people’s lives so long as I am not involved. I do not care if people want to share their issues and secrets with me after telling them mine. What I do not appreciate is being lied to for the sake of creating a false sense of reciprocation or a sense of mutual trust.

I find it amusing, and unfortunate, how people feel like they have to go through the motions and protocols of what a meaningful friendship is supposed to be like. As if though there were a recipe for making a strong friendship. I know some people that are so touched by the feeling of a true friendship that they begin to fear the loss of it, like an addict. The fear consumes them and they start to look for ways to hold on, as if though they are looking for some sort of collateral to hedge against such a loss. I find that these people become that way because they themselves are unable to extend such feelings so they create false and empty reasons as to WHY the other person cannot simply walk away from them. This one is hard for me to explain.

In essence I am simply seeing what people are all about when it comes to friendships. I am finding that some of my friends spend more energy trying to create some sort of stereotypical meaning (despite how fake it is) as opposed to simply being and letting oneself go and eventually growing a natural and meaningful friendship. It is like that one guy in your class back in college who spends more time trying to cheat than actually studying (there is always one in each class). Had they focused that much energy into studying as opposed to cheating they would probably be stellar students.

Despite this I am still hopeful that I will make great friendships in the future. I know and am fortunate enough to have great spirits in my life as it is.

Taking Apart the Machine

End of the line for the Machine, it is off and now it is time to take it apart. Dismantling the 4.7 year-old machine is proving to be quite an intense process. You discover so much about yourself that you would not have otherwise seen. It is like taking apart all the things you held close to you. You start to see how removed you are from the life you used to live. Sometimes you pull off a piece that was reminiscent of such a beautiful time, how happy you once were in this little universe you created and shared with people you once held so very close. An old apartment, a picture of your puppy, vacation pictures, gifts...it is quite an intense process. It makes you question your decision to become this new person. This rush of sadness hits you full force and moves like blood draining from your face. Some people crack at that point and eagerly go running back to what they knew. I cannot do such a thing for various reasons. Primarily, I have nothing to run back to and everything to run towards. I always keep that in mind during these surreal times. Being alone in this world I am in can get really stressful and simply giving up and running back seems to be the easier way out sometimes...instant comfort, so much easier. It would be a lie though. An illusion.

Part of this process includes all the people I called friends. Sifting through all of them and seeing who has been genuine, who has hidden agendas and some maybe just crazy...and not in that fun way. Loyalties are easily shown when put under intense pressure, I mean you really do see true colors come out. Even with people you thought were very close, like your exgirlfriend...it is scary to think how much they actually care for you, because apparently (in my case) it is not all that much. I am not bitching, really I promise. I have become so detached from the life I have here that the only people left that can hurt me are nowhere near this forsaken city. They are able to hurt me simply because they are the closest to me. No one here is close to me now, they just do not know me anymore to be close. Most people like to think they are, they have no idea.

It is a lonely process, but trust me when I say that I have never been happier since I got to this country. I know I am heading in the right direction, I know that there is more to life than this, I know that I just saved myself from a miserable and meaningless existence. Those facts in addition to my friends abroad and my two close friends in the US are keeping me together.

The last part of the dismantling process is my exit strategy. I have an estimated time frame laid out and all lights are green for implementation. This plan of mine seems to have caused some uproar with some friends, I just do not think they see the bigger picture though. It is hard when you’re on the outside and they are on the inside...the very thing you want to get away from. Some friends just won't accept the fact that I am leaving the US altogether. It is as if they almost deny that fact as a whole.

The fact that people here do not believe in me is probably the hardest thing I am dealing with at the moment. I cannot wait to leave this all behind, away from the critics and away from the crazies. It is as if though every plan would never work in their eyes. I look back at who I turned into here and realize that I too was becoming like that. It seems as if every time they hear someone talk about their dreams and pursuing it they try to knock you down to their level or lower just to get off on it. Just to feel better about themselves because they don't have the balls to make the move on their own. I am out of here people, accept it....

I have entered Phase 1, lets see how things roll on from here out.

Paradise Revisited at the Height of the Epoch

It is always intriguing to get what you want and then realize you do not want it. I fought so hard to stay here in the US and now I look at what the Machine has produced and it is not what I thought it was going to create. It is important to note at this point that part of the idea of the Machine includes my friends here and is not strictly about my exgirlfriend and I. The Machine encompasses everything I have here but it was born from my exgirlfriend and I in that it would not have been born had it not been for the both of us.

My time in Europe had significant ramifications in that it reminded me of who I was. I found that box that I hid from myself! I cannot take full credit for that though, I was helped. Time and a strong person led me to see who I really am, once again.

I remember now what I love, what I look for in people and what really drives me. I have not recovered that 'feeling' I had on the island in Thailand. That is yet to come; although now I know that it is possible to find that feeling again. I rediscovered two things while away, one is the powerful connection that you can make with people if they are willing to understand. I missed that a lot and I did not realize how much I missed that until I saw and felt it again. It makes such a difference in your daily life to have people who are not necessarily close but are willing to understand you instead of push you down in some way in order to get off on whatever it is they get off on. That in itself is the basis of a potentially great friendship; the desire to understand.

The second thing I rediscovered was that I was happy again. I realized that there was something huge missing in my life and I found it again. I guess it is the feeling that I actually know that I can be happy in life so long as I let myself be so. It is also good to know that there are people who are willing to understand. In that light I gained a new perspective and approach to life. Instead of putting aside what makes me happy I truly want to pursue it, not just expect it to be some sort of byproduct of success. It is the other way around; success is the byproduct of doing something you truly love, the money will just follow.

Finding a place to have meaningful experiences is something I would like to pursue immediately. I think I would be able to call Switzerland home. It is a very strange thought for me but I think it just may be possible. I met some great people there and I believe that with their help I can definitely find a way to create life changing experiences in my birthplace. I am not saying I want to live there forever, but it is the easiest way for me to continue my career and get out of the US. Knowing how life works though I just may end up back in the US within the next 3-5 years after I leave.

It feels good to know that happiness is out there, no I need to re-state that...If I say that then I am making the same mistake as the last time by removing it from myself as if though happiness were an entity of its own....It feels good to know that I am happy again, that it is inside me and something that I can run away to. I know what good people are, I know what life means to me now. For the longest time I was looking for that person inside me who I liked so much. I have found myself again and it feels good to know that I am in touch with that. My standard for friends has also changed. I am no longer blind to so much of the crap that people front, I can see through that now. I no longer am looking at my friends but instead I try to feel them and understand them. Unfortunately, what I have been discovering has been sad. I now realize that the people I thought would always be there are in fact not there for me at all.

This inner change that I have gone through has created so much turmoil in my life here in the US. My perspective just does not fit here. I am fine with that though. My new perspective has also put the Machine into center stage. What to do with this monster? I look at this behemoth that we have created and there is but one solution; The 'Off' switch. My relationship with my exgirlfriend was so closely tied to what we thought we wanted that in order to get away from the people that we have become we both made the mutual decision to go our own ways. We were in love with the wrong people, and now we have to find those two people again. The Machine had changed us and hindered us so much that we need to get away and do all those things we wanted to do originally.

I am now stuck in a world where I do not feel anyone truly understands me. I question the validity of many of my friendships and know that there are a couple of them that just need to end. Things aren't peachy here for me anymore, but that is alright. Inside I know what makes me happy and it just makes all these problems, issues and feelings of isolation look like technicalities and minor bumps in the road. Nothing gets me through the day more than knowing that there are people out there like me, that I am a happy person despite the fact that the world I have created is falling down around my shoulders. As all of this falls down around me I sit and watch as that perfect sunset breaks through like the light through a canopy.

I am taking apart this machine one by one, it will take time but when I do, that is when I will be gone. I will leave one day and live the life I should have lived with people I can truly cherish being with...

The Machine

Coming to US when I did was the best thing I could have done for my future. I learned so much more here than I could have possibly learned anywhere else. I took very well to the competitive and driven environment. The US environement completely complemented my drive to succeed and my master plan. What I did not notice was the personality and character shifting that was taking place. I met someone who held the same values I did and together we became a team focused on making our money and going to Asia. We thought that we were different from everyone else, that thought could not have been farther from the truth.

We both had our own ideas of what would make us happy in life but we both decided to put that to the side and focus on making our money first. Something inside her though kept rebelling, and the monster in me would keep her in check thinking that I was doing this for the benefit of us both. I derailed things for her, but I cannot accept full blame, I never held her agaist her will to do anything despite the fact that I would use words to convnce her to rethink her plans. In any case the machine was born.

That being said I also began to push away my family. For a time I thought that they would only get in the way of things, that their approach to things are too hectic and disorienting. I focused on myself and my girlfriend, that was all that mattered.

On the outside everything seemed perfect, the job, the car, the girlfriend, the dog. Young and successful right? Inside, the two of us were dying. The people we fell in love with were sick with a cancer. Day by day we would long for what we were and what those people wanted in life. The machine had taken its toll. Eventually we would find ourselves in love with people who only existed as a memory.

As a part of my success story I got sponsord for an H1B work visa. It is a long process with lots of hoops and not enough visas to go around. Basically, as an international, this visa is the next best thing to a greencard..unless you get an A visa which is diplomatic, in any case, kids would kill for this little sticker in my passport. Part of the process was fo me to leave the US, go home to Switzerland and finish off the application process. And so I went, the ramifications of my sojourn were so significant...


If you are interested in reading what occurred during my trip go to http//www.burningdownhighways.blogspot.com - More specifically read the posting entitled 'Raison D'etre –

Paradise Lost

Living in Thailand (between 1996 - 1999, and the majority of 2000), was the last time I remember being happy, truly happy. Everything in my environment at that time was conducive to my being happy. I emphasize "at that time" because now, at this point in my life, that environment (if it still existed) would definately not supplement or nourish my happiness. I would not grow. In fact I remember that when I left Bangkok in 1999, as much as I loved Thailand, I was ready to go. It was the first time in my life that I was willing to let go of something I loved because I knew that there was somethng better in the horizon. I also knew that staying in Bangkok would not get me anywhere career wise and that was the first time I sacrificed something I held close to my heart for what I thought would make me happy and successful in the long run. 'Bangkok would always be there' I told myself....

In 1999 I went to London for University. At that time I was studying Psychology, don't ask why. I was happy in my autonomous microcosm which I created and had been dreaming of while I was in Thailand. It was what I wanted at that time, I think it was due to all the books I was into prior to my arrival to Europe; Camus, Marleaux, Orwell, Nietzsche, Tolstoy...in any case I totally romanticised the idea of being in Europe and I reveled in my time in the sun (or in this case the overcast and rainy atmosphere) like a pig in mud.

At that time in my life I embraced the idea of being free physically, spitirutally and mentally. I took it all in, I enjoyed my coffee and cigarettes in the cool mornings and late evenings with friends. I liked conversations with random people in pubs. I listened a lot and developed an addiction to listening to people's stories and getting underneath to see what they are really all about. This addiction grew and grew and eventually became an undying need to try and understand everything and everyone I came into contact with. To this day I have retained and refined that hobby. I was always open to what life was going to throw my way. In fact I thought I could handle just about anything it did throw my way by smiling and taking it head on...

It was in 2000 that everything changed for me. The one thing I held so close to me was taken away; my freedom. While visiting my family in Bangkok for Christmas I did my annual physical checkup. Apparently, the doctor found a lump in my upper right lung which, of course, is no laughing matter at all. I ended up getting pulled out of school and was subjected to months and months of scanning, testing and doctor visitations. This concluded years later when they decided it was nothing at all. My physical freedom was partially paralyzed, my spirit was broken because I thought that I was being held back, and with all these things going on, my mind decided that something had to be done, that when all of this is over I am going to need to catch up to all of my colleagues because I did not want to be that guy who screwed up after high school. I did not want to fall behind.

A couple of months into the endless testing I decided that I need to get out of the city and so I travelled the southern islands of Thailand. I did the full moon parties, back when they were at their purer forms, I did the treks and the waterfalls and rented bikes and slept on beaches. I began to cherish the idea of paradise and fell in love with it all over again. Everything came together for me on an island in the east coast of Thailand. It was definatly life changing. I was watching the sun go down on the beach one night and noticed that it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. So many colors that I thought could not even possibly be in a sunset. It was an orchestra of red, blue, violet, green, orange, yellow, black, white, pink, peach, marigold...it was perfect.

I sat on the beach with my elbows on my knees sensing everything in my environment. The sand between my toes, the imprint I was leaving in the sand, the warm tropical waters teasing my feet drawing me towards the ocean, calling me to feel her warm embrace. The feel of a cold beer in my hands, the smell of tropical coconut sunscreen on my face, the fresh feeling of having taken a shower and the residual feeling of waves rhythmically flowing throughout my body as if though it were dancing around my very life force. It was the breeze that brought it all toghether. The warm topical breeze cooling the sunburn on my very brown face, it rustled the palm trees which was to me a calming voice, the crashing waves representing the definitive feeling of being home. This is my home, this feeling is my home, I longed for it and missed it even before I left it. I made the decision that this is what I would fight for in life, this feeling...

The longing for that state of being was so intense I had to incorporate my drive for success into a grand plan with a specific focus: Make a crap load of money and use it to supplement a life of living on a beach. I became obsessed with getting my financial plan together that I decided to isolate what I held precious to me, put it in a box only to open it later when I have accomplished my goals. Not only do you put away a memory, or a feeling but you have to put a part of yourself away. I did that in the hopes that I could preserve it. Unfortunately, this changes you so much to the point where you forget where you hid that precious little box. I could no longer find it and three years later I find myself looking at a picture of that same sunset saying 'I wish I could be there again, to have that feeling again.' It was not until six months after that realization that I finally understood that the feeling I was craving was really a part of who I was back then. So I started to look back at myself and thought, 'God, you were so much more back then. You did not have anything but you were so much more. Paradise was inside of you the whole time!'

I lost paradise; I had it and I threw it away thinking that I would be able to bury it like a treasure chest and that I would someday return to it. It would be another three years before I would find that person, before I would find the way back again.......

X marks the Spot

L'Etranger

I have lived here in the US for six years. Nowhere else could I have gone from working a cash register in a local McDonald's to a great position with a corporate banking firm in that time frame. I have more than tripled my net income, graduated from college and secured a LEGAL working visa. All these things, these great things, so coveted by other international people in my position...but at such a price.

Of all the places I have lived in, the US has been home for the longest and it will be the least memorable. This place is simply my office and my school. I can only say that I have met less than a handful of people here whom I will hold close to in my life, and even fewer that I will remain in contact with within the next three to five years. The experiences I have had here have not impacted my personal, spiritual and inner growth. In fact, I would say that since I have been here I have lost touch with a lot of who I was. That is the price I paid to get to where I am now.

One could argue that I did not make enough of an effort to assimilate. On the contrary I have a significant amount of friends in the US that are spread accross the country. There is not one weekend I am not invited to some sort of gathering. There seems to be a stigma that if you are not enjoying yourself or finding yourself a stranger in a different place, that you must not have friends or know people or the right people. I know a lot of people, from drug dealers to CEOs. All the wrong and right people. My point is the obsession here with oneself has watered down the quality of friendships and interaction. Perhaps that is the wrong approach. Let me re-phrase. The culture of self-interest has created an atmosphere of success and great oppertunity despite the high cost of less human compassion and the inability to consider another's position. I myself was a part of this atmosphere.

The problem is not this fact, this is the US and I accept it for what it is. This blog is not being created to critisize the US, in fact it is to document the hardships of my realizations. Over the past few months I underwent a re-introduction to who I really am and what I gave up. I had to become someone else in order to assimilate and become successful here. By realizing these things I have made myself a stranger in this countrty. After all the challenges of getting to where I am, after having assimilated, and after six years of thinking this was what I had always wanted; I made it. Now I want out....

Je suis étranger dans ma nouvelle maison.