Looking Back, Forwards, Up and Down

My life is full of mini ambitions and I am not quite sure how to put them alltogether. I think of last year - the learning experience, the growth, the pain, the fun and lonliness. It is like little fragments of yourself, each a personality of its own, and who you are is determined by which one of those little guys dominates your soul and eventually your brain.

I am moving out again. Another marker in my long list of notches indicating the various changing points in my life. Seems like the older you get the more of these you notice. I have to accept the fact that I am obsessed with change and most of all observing it. Internal changes are my forte.

I turned 26 a couple of months ago. Realized there was still so much that I want to stuff into my twenties before moving on to the dreaded 30s. No offense to anyone out there readng this 30+.

Wedding season is definatley all around me, all my friends that is. It is like every other person is getting married. I went to two in Oct, one of which I was in. Friends from the past are married, more are getting engaged, it seems like I am planning to go to weddings more so than I am planning to go on vacation which is simply faux pax in my world.

Speaking of traveling, my life's blood, I am thinking of a couple of places to visit. I am overdue for a visit back to S.E.A, so that is on my list for the summer. I was also considering Brazil and perhaps somewhere in Sud America. The thought keeps me going.

Yes - I am still in the US. The District is quite hard to get out of, not sure what it is exactly about this place, and I don't say that in a loving way, more like that feeling of having an invisible strand of hair on your face that you can't find. You end up loking like an idiot trying to get it off of your face until the feeling subides and you return to idiot mode again when it reappears seemingly moments later.

My blogs keep me going. Colliding Continents is my new baby and I am doing pretty well with it, not enough time in the day though. Go figure. It is this real world work thing that gets in the way.

You looking for me?

I'll explain later, just check this out for now....

http://www.collidingcontinents.com/

So Are You Leaving?

So I have been trying to get out of this country for the better part of a year now. I didn't realize how tough this was going to be but I am still trying. In a way I feel like it is easier to lose focus and just submit to the idea of staying put. At times I also feel like I am not making any progress but this is not true. I am making progress in that I am still accomplishing and setting out to do things which get me closer to making my exit and also, more importantly, I am doing things I never used to do before. Quite frankly, I don't know how I would be able to handle having to move next month if I so happen to get an offer so soon. I mean, there would just be so much to do. Also, maybe it is not my time just yet. I know that my inevitable departure is coming but everyday that I am here I am forced to consider so many new developments which present themselves to me. They are great developments in my life that will probably change it forever. Given the fact that these developments occurred, what would have happened had I left earlier? I can spend all day speculating could'ves and would'ves but instead I'd rather relish in how things are playing out in my life at the moment. Yes, I have a mountain of issues I would like to resolve - but at the end of the day, I am happy. Everyday I find another reason for me to be happy. Already, I feel as if though I have succeeded in life on three significant levels. I really don't think that there is much that can get in my way anymore except myself. My impatience could get the best of me and that is why it is important for me to be able to step back and say, "You are doing the right thing, and you are doing what you have to in order to get what you want." This entire process of change that I have undergone over the past nine months is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It scares me to think that I was so ready to throw away my youth for the sake of security not so long ago. At this very moment I still get that itch to make more money, to do more...more more more. I will, I know myself well enough. In fact I am setting things up in my life in order to do so, I’m just not as obsessed about it nor, I have decided, will I give up having fun in life in order to make it. Over the next couple of months I think things will be a little low profile for me. No huge changes or maneuvers, but a lot of small ones. Small changes and maneuvers that set me up for where I want to be in my life. Why and how can I be so naive you ask? Well, I know that if you align things in your life properly, you will get what you want eventually. If you focus every minute of the day on trying to accomplish what it is you want in life, you get closer to accomplishing it. Sometimes you are lucky enough to realize that you may not be on the path you thought you wanted to be on, and hopefully you have the chance to change things for the better. This year has been bringing out new surprises all the time. People, challenges, situations and things keep on presenting themselves. Every time this happens the landscape of my future before me shifts into something different. Realizations seem to be occurring everyday for me, solidifying many of my thoughts and feelings about who I am. There is a lot of internal work that needs to be done but when isn't there? Not bad things that need to be resolved, lets just say that I am doing my best to maintain who I am now. My future is being determined in a very important way at the moment. It is just hard to maintain patience sometimes. In all honesty I really should not be complaining too much about life. I just wish I was doing something better with it, something I enjoy doing.

Next month marks the one year anniversary since I left for Europe. My whole life changed from that moment on. I remembered who I was on the inside and a lot of extreme changes took place. Extreme changes which needed to happen. In many ways I have already left, I left behind everything that I did not like about myself. I recreated who I am and in the end proved to be a better person. I cannot say that I am leaving this country just yet, the opportunity has not presented itself to me. It also appears that there are unresolved issues internally and externally which need to be addressed. I still know that I will leave soon; I guess "soon" is quite subjective.

This blog has been very helpful in getting everything together, getting my thoughts in order. More importantly it has helped me get over the fear of releasing my thoughts and feelings into the world. I have decided to stop hiding now, expressing myself through this blog has been like releasing a mounting pile of thoughts. I believe that now it is time to unburden the web with my unorganized, unfocused blabbering. It is time for me to be able to look people in the face and be able to express these thoughts to them face to face.

This is not my last posting. My last posting will be when I finally have the chance to leave. I am also starting up another blog relating to what I know best, Travelling; my first true love. I’ll post the new address when it is ready. Until then….see you around.

Final Tour

My last few days in Nigeria revolved around shopping and one intense tour through the capital city.

I was fortunate enough to have the ambassador's driver give me a personal tour of the capital city. We started off with the basics: Government institutions. One rule to remember about Nigeria is that you need special permission to take pictures within a federal zone or take pictures of federal buildings (i.e. government buildings, the airport etc). If caught doing so your camera would be confiscated and destroyed. Therefore despite my ambitious attempts, I was unable to capture any good shots of the National Assembly (Capitol building) or any of the other federal institutions. I was fortunate enough to be driven through the restricted compounds and presidential residence since we had the ambassador's car ans diplomatic access.

Our next theme was natural surroundings. We explored the lakes around Abuja eventually leading us to the dam. Interestingly enough the construction plans around the lake seemed quite amazing...despite the fact that they are still in proposal stage and have been for the better part of two years. At the moment only the expatriates working for ABB live on the prime lakeside properties. There seems to be a lot of ambitious hope and expectations for this city. The damn that we visited, when fully functional, is expected to solve all of Abuja's water issues. A magnificent sight, the water seemed to stretch as far as the eye could see. Hilltops became islands and the reservoir a popular fishing spot amongst the local villagers.

The natural surroundings of Abuja are beautiful. Green hills and giant rocks seem to encircle the entire city. Aso rock, one of the largest rocks in the world, overlooks the capital and is a key landmark because it can be seen from any point in the city. In order to climb Aso rock, you need the blessings (permission) of the priests who guard it.

Near the damn was a village we drove through. This could have easily been the most intense part of my trip. We rode in the same Mercedes G Wagon which was used to pick me up from the airport. This is important to note because this car, despite it being an SUV, is not wide…neither were the streets. Nor was it exactly a smooth ride.

Driving through the village was like nothing I had ever seen. The pure state of poverty was overwhelming. I had the opportunity to take many great shots with my camera, but instead I held back. I was not goint to take a picture a picture out of admiration but shots that were trying to capture the state of poverty. Therefore I could not bring myself to pressdown on the shutter release. Who was I to do so? I am not an anthropologist, I am not a journalist, I am a visitor. I had no right to try and make any statements with my pictures because my audience would be a personal collection of people and the pictures I took would have been taken for the sake of entertainment.

I remember a sense of desperation come over me as we drove through the village. An innate feeling to run away from this dire situation. I could only imagine how the locals felt. There were naked children running in and out of houses made of clay, half naked women carrying their children, and trash everywhere. We passed through what seemed like the village center, where the locals were burning wood and gathering around looking at the half a million dollar vehicle drive through their existence. Its windows darkened completely showing only the reflection of their poverty bounce off of its luxurious facade right back at them. A hollow feeling lodged itself in my throat for the remainder of the afternoon.

After passng through the village we arrived at the clay pot factory run primarily by the local women. They gathered clay from the banks of a nearby river and shape their clay pots in the factory. When I say "factory" I mean to say a couple of small huts and about ten women. I bought a couple of them out of a combination of (primarily) guilt and the fact that they were extreemely cheap for what they were.

The last stop on the tour was a local palm wine bar...err...road-side set-up...however you would lable a shady area on the side of the road with wooden benches and two ladies serving palm wine out of two large palstic drums. Oh, not to mention that there were a lot of drunken faces. Apparently this location had the best palm wine. What exactly is palm wine? Well, its fermented palm milk. Its naturally fermenting in the heat so when its bottled and capped the pressure builds up in the bottle - - I didn't learn that until I eagerly brought home a large water bottle full of the stuff and unscrewed the lid, letting out a sudden burst of noxious fumes in the kitchen nearly forcing my family to temporarily evacuate the house. Needless to say the stuff is pretty strong and will put you on your backside faster that Butterbean can (Heavyweight boxer, YouTube him).

My final tour was eye openning at the least. I don't know if I'll be able to do that again but I am glad I did and I would definitely love to.

The Barracks

It seems as though I get a deeper and deeper understanding of what real Africa is like the longer I stay here. My father took my mother, brother and a coworker of his and I out for dinner one night. He took us to Abaja Baracks. Abaja Baracks is a military barracks installation in Abuja where there also happens to be a local open air market which, consequently, is run by the military. Having lived in numerous third world countries I thought I was prepared for the occasion.

The market was set up in a circular fashion with a one way, single lane street constituting the only walkway. All the shops were open faced and crammed together much like the items they offered for sale within. One thing I noticed about Abuja, Nigeria is that everyone seems to notice your presence wherever you may be. Not just as you walk on the street but even when you are being driven at 40 mph as you are observing people on the street they have an uncanny ability to lock eyes with you at the very last moment. Therefore you can imagine the intense sense of being observed which we felt as we made our way to the center of the market where the open air “restaurant” was.

The “restaurant” or, as I like to call it, the African food court, was situated in the center of the market. To access it you have to find one of the many small alleyways in between the shops. Once you break out of the alley and into the market square you are flushed into the chaos. There is movement everywhere, no solid concrete floor only puddles and mud. There are vendors of everything useless imaginable everywhere, the varied smells hit you in the face from every direction. Children walk around in tattered clothes, some naked and crying. Beggars at your feet; doing their best to survive with whatever limbs they have left. And yet, despite all of that I saw an infinite amount more of smiling faces.

The layout of the food court was very interesting. In the center, in a square-ish formation, were the women who grilled the food (and only women grilled the food). The grills were made of half barrels (barrels cut down the middle) on its side, with iron bars laid across the cut opening, supported by four metal poles, two on each side, forming an ‘X’. The grill resembled a trough with a fire burning underneath. Behind the women were the busboys (most likely their children, and only boys) who washed the platters and served the food. The women chefs and their children ran their own independent enterprises while the beverage and seating providers ran theirs. Basically, you come into the market and choose a place to sit. After having done that you walk around to see what the women had to offer and at what price. You select from the varied menu (grilled chicken or fish with an optional side of chips, err, fries) and indicate to the lovely chef where you are located. On this particular evening we settled on the fish.

The spot we chose to dine was a mere 10 feet from our chef’s grill. Prior to being seated our beverage server takes a small plastic water bottle filled with kerosene, its bottle cap pierced with several holes and administers small drops of the yellow fluid onto the table we were about to dine on. As a final touch, he spreads it over the entire surface with a damp rag. I thought he was absolutely mad and yet I was absolutely intrigued. Why in the world would you do that? Did I mention the flies? Yes, well, let’s do the math. African sun + fish + open air market + filth = Enough flies to blot out the sun. Hence, the application of kerosene onto the tables. Apparently they are repulsed by the odor and quite frankly I thought we would be as well. We did not notice it at all.

I am sure after reading all of this you would think, why would your dad do this to you? Well, you have to understand that I am from a family of travelers, places like these are what we are always looking for; the essence of the country we have the privilege of visiting. I was loving every minute of it. Unfortunately, my mother, coming from a third world country, was not impressed. Why should she after all, anyone who was born and raised their entire life in a third world country knows the number one objective is to get out of a third world situation. She kept insisting that there was no way her dad would ever take her to places like this in the Philippines. Despite her disgust at her surroundings she was doing her best to have fun, which she candidly gave credit to the fact that she had taken her anxiety pill prior to our arrival.

I felt absolutely silly in my green polo shirt and jeans. I thought about what an ass I might have looked like to all these people around me. Then again, would it make a difference to them what I wear or is the color of my skin enough to evoke such sentiments. I thought about what I could do to go local, and I nearly laughed out loud at the thought of myself in the local dress walking about town hoping that people would see me as an albino instead of a white person, or half white for that matter.

A little Nigerian boy arrived with plastic bowls of water and a bottle of dish washing detergent. I figured that this is the equivalent of lemon and warm water in some restaurants, and sure enough it was. Soon after this realization our little friend returned with our grilled fish and chips. The food was wonderful, the fish was grilled perfectly and I am now quite the fan of Nigerian spicy sauce. The fish was so good that my mother out ate all four men and we were forced to order another grilled fish bringing our total to three whole fish each measuring about a foot and a half long. I was thoroughly impressed with the evening and very proud that our approach to this country, much like all of the countries we have visited, paid off.

Later that evening I braced myself for any unpleasant consequences of the grilled fish. Nothing at all, and the same results to follow for two days. It was not until I had dinner at a family friend’s house (a wealthy Swedish family) that I had an upset stomach. What was on the menu that night? Potatoes, salad, filet medallions and gravy; Western food, go figure!

Nigeria! Jaga Jaga!

My father greeted me at the airport when I arrived. As he walked me to the armored Mercedes G Wagon, he explained how Nigeria could easily be second to South Africa as an economic power on the contnent. Yet, the race to get to the top has done so much to hinder the overall progress that could be attained. If only the populace and government could see beyond immediate gratification. Our driver greets us and takes my luggage, we approach our vehicle and the first thing that catches my attention is the AK-47 strapped around the shoulder of a uniformed man leaning on our car. Having hardly been exposed to guns in my life I nearly froze in my tracks as he approached me. My father, not noticing my apprehension looks back and immediately explains that the man was with us and his presence was simply protocol. I broke into a nervous smile, could not take my gaze off of the guard’s eyes and completely did not notice his outstretch hand until I was in the car. I made a note to shake his hand and thanked him as we arrived at the Embassy, if not for repairing any cultural insults but to make sure I was on the good side of the man with the Kalashnikov.

Nigeria. It seems as if every aspect of this country can be found in everyday living. Abuja, the capital seems to be in constant growth, yet repairs seem to be only secondary to it as opposed to an issue that should be just as important as infrastructure growth. Everywhere there are run down buildings next to newly built ones. Chaos and disorder seem to be the constant theme and the heat your constant friend. The loud and bright colors of the country starkly contrast the social backdrop in which they are set. At the beginning of my visit I started using a black and white setting on my camera, which I thought would dramatize my shots effectively, it did quite the opposite, it took away from the feeling of Africa. Colors, loud and bright colors characterize this country, and probably the entire continent, significantly better.

Getting a sense of daily life in Nigeria has been an interesting experience. Seeing how my family operates here has shown me a lot about expatriate life in Nigeria. Constant power outages, the luxury of backup generators, the importance of power surge protectors, the inefficiency of the internet, all of which can be seen as such a huge headache. In retrospect, as my father clearly pointed out, when things break down and you can’t do your work, no one gets on you about it. You can get frustrated, or since there is really nothing you can do about the situation, you go with it and enjoy that small luxury. As opposed to the US where, if something could not get done someone takes responsibility for it.

An example I would like to use to characterize Nigeria properly would be their oil situation. Petroleum is quite affordable here given the fact that Nigeria is one of the top oil producing countries. You would expect steady access to gasoline and no issues regarding shortages. Well, since the downstream process is so inefficient, shortages, long lines, strikes and price volatility are commonplace. I like using the oil situation to characterize the country because Nigeria is a resource rich country, yet they are unable to fully harness its potential.

Driving in Abuja is quite the adventure. Here is a suggestion, when driving in Nigeria; if your car does not have a good horn, you may as well not have an engine. My good friend once commented that drivers in NY City speak with their horns. Well, if that is the case, Honking is a national language here and a life saving necessity. Not only do people pay little attention to lane lines, but in many intersections traffic lights do not work and traffic controllers seem to only work part time. Luckily, on occasion, some lepers needing money have the backbone to stand at a busy intersection and take matters into their own hands. When neither are present it is you and your good friend Mr. Horn! Beep away in short notes and creep your way into oncoming traffic as you dare the left had turn.

Thus far my days in Abuja revolve around golfing, tennis, hanging out with family and pool time. The sun here is more than willing to help out with my quest for a tan. So much so that within two hours of pool time I managed to replicate the tan I had after five days in Mexico.

I had the opportunity to go to a local watering hole and experience Star Beer and Souja (Sue-ya). Star Beer is their domestic blend which is really not all that bad. Souja is a delicious thinly sliced grilled beef served with lettuce, tomatoes, onions and a pile of chili powder served on a small square of newspaper (goes wonderfully with beer). Are you crazy? You are eating street food? Of course I am! The essence of cultures are found in these little dishes. Yes I am alive and no I did not spend the day in the toilet. Then again I must warn you that I spent a significant percent of my life developing immunity to street food e-coli.

The bar we went to can be confused for a small outdoor concrete square in the middle of a ghetto with random plants, plastic tables and chairs. The small colorful light bulbs adorning the small banana trees add a lovely glow to the place. Beers are served only in half liter bottles and “cold” means varying degrees of temperatures to the locals, better to say “VERY cold” when ordering.

There are so many stories I can delve into. This adventure is amazing. Africa is a pretty cool place…if you don’t live here.

Forks In The Road, Forks In My Heart

Being here in Africa has given me the opportunity to think about my life at the moment and where my life is headed in the future. At the moment I am having a hard time deciding what it is that my heart is trying to say. Actually, I know what he is trying to say, but I am not sure if he should be saying it. I believe him, his message is strong and true - - yet I am scared to follow his words without question. At times I find myself seeking something solid, as if though I am asking for something, anything to let me know that he is right. It almost feels like I am asking God for a sign to tell me that I am doing the right thing. We all know that is too much to ask. That decisions like these determine one's future and current character. Everything that is my very being is insisting that I should just go with it, that it is what is meant to be. I am quite confused and yet at the same time quite happy. How? How is that possible? This is so because in the midst of all the confusion I think of all the amazing feelings, all the sensations I feel when I was with the most important person in my life. I hold close to my heart the very idea of what I would do and all that I could give with every atom of my exitence, to that person...and around me the whirlwind continues to howl. Ripping apart everything around me except for what is important. I should probably just follow my heart and trust in it...I just can't stop hoping for a sign though.

KLM, My New Favorite

I am in Africa. After 21 hours of travel I finally made it. I left straight from work last Friday, and the adventure began as soon as I left for the airport. You see, I am not a US citizen and therefore to work in the US I had to secure a visa, which I did. The catch is that you have to bring your proof of employment and all that kind of paperwork with you in order to return. This is precisely where my adventure begins. In the whirlwind of getting vaccinations, malaria pills, visas and general travel prep stuff, I managed, with my extensive travel know how, to remember my paperwork at the check in counter. Which is a few miles (approximately) from where I live. Lovely! Luckily HR was kind enough to send me pdf versions of the paperwork to me, so problem solved…well problem solved when I get back actually.

The first leg of the flight was a seven hour trip to Amsterdam. KLM is officially my new favorite airlines. Why you ask? Well apart from the fact that they actually serve good food, their crew is actually friendly! In fact I was flirting with one flight attendant and she was absolutely accommodating! So much so that I was invited for coffee afterwards in Amsterdam. Given the fact that I had about a six hour layover in the airport I was thoroughly considering it. If it was not for the fact that several bottles of wine at 50,000 feet, no sleep (it was 2AM in the US when I arrived in Holland) and the fact that I didn’t have a watch on or the guts to tell my parents I missed my flight in Amsterdam, I told her I could not but that hopefully we could meet again on another flight. It was so like Lost in Translation, except without the awkward silence and we were on a plane. I thank her for all the wine, the two bottles of Dutch Liquor, her phone number and all the sweets in the care package she put together for me as we went our separate ways. As I mentioned in my previous blog on my previous adventure; ALWAYS flirt with the flight attendants even if you are not interested.

So I land in Schipol International Airport, Holland. I feel like crap. My eyes are burning. I need sleep. I’m hungry. I don’t know which to satisfy first. “One Heineken please!” What can I say, I was in Holland! Eventually I paid for an overpriced sandwich and found a spot on an airport seat where I could wake up every three minutes to “Ms. So n' So please report to Gate D5 for immediate boarding. If you do not report immediately we will begin to unload your luggage.”

When I awoke from the last of my many mini naps, I found myself extremely famished. I made my way over to a Japanese noodle stand where I paid for an overpriced chicken soba. Eventually, I made my way to my gate and proceeded to wait to board. Throughout the entire waiting process I was in and out of consciousness. Every time I came to, there were less and less passengers around me. I finally make my way to the plane that would send me to Africa.

On the plane, I sat next to a Nigerian man. The plane was pretty empty and we both looked at ourselves crammed up together next to a window. It was perfectly logical, if not expected, nor did it take much convincing. Once we took off, I had my own two sets an a window. Finally, after watching the Bridge to Tarabithia, I fell asleep. Great Success!

Sorry- - No pics until I get back! Or else I would have to wait forever and a 1/2 until they get uploaded!!

...And In This Moment I Am Happy...Happy...

It was a beautiful late summer day. Has it really been this long? The sun pierced through my car’s windshield and landed softly on our skin. It seems so much longer than that, so much has happened. The rays warmed our bodies. So many changes. She made this happen, it feels good to know that. It is like having to re-learn someone. It feels good when she just decides something and takes you along for a ride. So many small things change, and there are a lot of new big things to get used to. You feel so loved. It is the big things that are shockers. I felt so loved, felt like I was where I was meant to be. I never thought I could ever change so much. The winding, country road adds to the feeling of being at the right place, a sense that you are supposed to be here. I have to admit I wonder if she notices the changes in me. We pull over into one of the properties. I can’t stop looking at her, it has been a while. We make our way between the rows of grape vines. I look for all the details, scanning her eyes for answers to questions I haven’t even asked. The sun passes through the foliage around us casting hues of greens and yellows onto our faces. She does the same. We look at each other, thinking about the taste of Chardonnay in our mouths. There are so many things to ask. Buttery? Where to start? Indeed it was. How to start? How about a different one? Why not start anew. Fruity. So we did. If only the wine was as good as the beauty of our surroundings, onto the next place. It felt good. Driving around with her felt so right. It was like finding your best friend again. It was like being on an adventure with someone you could never get enough of. Except this time there is a slight difference. Like nothing in the world could make a difference. There is something there. There it is. Something new. The winding road leads us to the King Family properties. It seems out of place to me because it was only slightly there in the past. A little bit out of the way but never the less, its surroundings were beautiful. Yet now it is pronounced. Lots of horses. Confident. The driveway on the privately owned vineyard took us deep into the property. Confidence where there was only a slight hint before. We pull up to a small building, park the car and make our way around to the entrance. It was so new. Rosé. So refreshing. Tastes just like summer. It emanated in her very being. Sauvignon Blanc. Shining out into to the world through her eyes. Crisp and fresh. It was such a breath of life. Chardonnay. It complemented all the changes, small changes but just right. Smooth. Fine tunings. Pinot Noir, Cote de Nuits Villages 2003. All coming together to make a whole. Perfect. Where were you before? I thought. A heavy, passionate taste. It doesn’t matter. The warmth of the wine embraces me. All that matters is now. That sensation of equilibrium returns. I wonder what is to come. Polo matches in the summer. Does it matter? I remember feeling, We have to return. So long as you enjoy what you have today.

Drum Drum Drum

I have "In the Beginning" By K'naan stuck in my head, I guess it is because the song reminds me of someone who was integral in my transformation into a new person. I have never known what the true effect of having a positive outlook can have on someone. I was always a dreamer first, then a thinker, but I would get caught in such a quagmire of self doubt that none of my dreams would be executed. Through an endless reserve of positive energy and good vibes, this person blew me away. It was like being taught how to be happy. It is absolutely amazing how one person can make such a huge difference just by being so positive. It gives you a lot of energy to move on and go after what it is you want in life. Thank you. You know who you are.

These days I have been able to maintain a sense of rediscovering the world. This has helped me stay happy with myself and encourages me to create something to look forward to. There are a lot of things in my life that I can choose to get to me, but they don’t. It is not that I don’t pay attention to them, I do, and I am doing something about all of those issues. I just refuse to be unhappy.

I think of it as a kind of strength...it is so important to stay strong and I have found that staying strong doesn't necessarily mean having to be serious or having to give up having fun in life. Enduring all the hardships of life shouldn't break you even if you are not where you want to be. In fact letting yourself be miserable is just a way of becoming more of a victim.

NY Metro Trippin'

"I know I am going to be successful, I just don't know how it is going to play out."

I said that on the NY Subway last weekend. It felt good to say it. Being in NY was great in itself; there is something about that city that I am so drawn to. I was walking around Chinatown and my friend was watching me the whole time. She mentioned how interesting it is to see me change almost instantly, like I was home. Being in Chinatown that day did feel like home. Although I didn't notice the change in my overall demeanor because I was so lost in my thoughts of who I was, how people change, the great memories I had of being in NY, replaying the scenes in my mind on the exact same streets I walked on with my friends during the weekend of my 21 st birthday. I find that I am able to lose myself in these memories with little effort these days. If I had my way I would have walked all over the city, lost in such a state. It was an amazing feeling. I had not felt such a feeling in quite some time now. I really got swept away, back in time, I felt like I was in Asia again but in addition to my experiences in the states all mashed into one. I don't think I was ready for that.

I now believe I can move onto a new and equally important question for myself. What do I want to do with my life? I know who I am now, I know myself better than ever. So what do I want to do with who I am? If I know I am going to be successful and I know who I am, then really, all it comes down to is what I want to do. I always thought that I knew what I wanted to do but after really examining that over the past few months I have found that what I thought I knew was in fact not really what it was. What I mean is, I knew what the desired end result was to be, yet I could not clearly pinpoint what I wanted to do in between. I am at such a critical point in my life at the moment, I can feel all these changes going on and it seems like I am on the verge of something amazing. I don't know the details but I am definitely feeling a strong pull towards a certain direction.

A part of me is scared, very scared. The thing about the US is that everything is directed at catering to the individual. What I mean is that the orientation here is such that products and services are brought to your door despite the slight intrusion into one's privacy. All a person needs to do is reach out for whatever they want. When everything is catered for an individual's needs it is hard to not get comfortable. It is a bit different in the outside world, especially in Europe. People value their individuality and the small freedoms associated with it. Ergo things are not directly catered to you as an individual and the individual is made to go and seek out what it is they need. Every time my doubts and fears arise regarding how I want to approach my future, I know that at the heart of it lies this very fact about the US and the very tendency for us human beings to simply get comfy. Everything is here. NY definitely evokes that feeling for me.

I constantly ask myself if I really am risking "throwing it all away" as many people have said or implied. Will I ever get back into the US? If not, does it matter? After all, I have lived 20 out of 25 years outside of this country and weren't those 20 years the better ones? Maybe, but I never had to work in those countries. These questions and bouts of self doubt are inevitable, yet unmatched against set convictions that my eventual departure would benefit myself and my certain success in life. It is quite an arduous process, fighting back such negative sentiments, especially when in the guise of close friends and family. There are times when I believe and fall victim to the comforts readily available in the US. I think of all the things I am able to do here, there are simply so many distractions.

It all boils down to one essential question though doesn't it?

"What Makes You Happy?"

It is all that really matters in the end. This is what keeps me focused everyday. I ask myself that and every time I do I think of all the places I visited and all the feelings associated with them. Then, I remember what it is that makes me happy. I know that one day I will live in the US again, hopefully that will be in NY.

Walking on the brink of change (and knowing it) is intimidating and exciting all at the same time. I wonder where I will be in....not so long from now.

1104W

I remember the day so clearly and the feelings associated with it. It was a beautiful day, blue skies, the DC humidity had not set in yet so the cool breeze soothed our skin. We were a bit apprehensive of this place but at the same time a bit anxious to find a new place quite soon seeing as we had to move out of her place by the end of the month.

She was wearing a white t-shirt that hugged her form completely. Accenting her hourglass figure perfectly. It went well with the peach and white flower print satin skirt she wore. 8315 N Brook Lane. We drove there, Patsy sat between her legs on the passenger side and looked up at both of us during the entire ride. Two large brown orbs reflecting pure love and admiration. We pulled up to the front of the west building, already impressed with the surroundings, how suitable for Patsy we thought, but still apprehensive about leaving the District. As we got out of my car she asks me to hold Patsy’s leash for a second while she gathered her things. We’ll do this one like we always did, she asks the smart questions and I criticize the place and try to read the guy. We walk up to the main entrance and the landlord greets us. It was the lighting, size of the bedroom and the fact that they welcomed pets that sold us.

The feeling of walking into that empty one bedroom with her, looking at it, saying, “this is our place,” the feeling of hope and of having a future, it seems like it is so fresh in my memory. It is that feeling of hope, love and a sense that this very moment presented so many possibilities for our future. Our feelings for each other gave life to the place, the entire apartment lived off of our love, it was everywhere. It was such an adventurous feeling.

That was one year ago to the day. We never really, truly had the opportunity to live together in that place. I guess that is why that feeling of a new beginning still seems so fresh in my mind. It never got the chance to blossom, it was uprooted prematurely from my heart and mind.

By the time I returned from Europe the place of hope suddenly became a prison. When Patsy and her left, it was much worse. That feeling became more pronounced and worse yet it was the type of feeling that has two extremely sharp edges. When wrapped in a blanket of love it is one of the best feelings in the world which strikes and fills the heart with beauty, but when exposed to emptiness it is cold and pierces the soul like a sudden sharp pain in your stomach.

The walls which once emanated warmth became cold and unloving. As if though water which had once lightly traversed across its surface making its way down the wall had been frozen in time. A hollow reminder of what once was surrounded me. Winter had just begun and it felt to me like it had made its way into my home and into my soul.

I fought it. I did not let that feeling win, and I proved victorious in the end.

I was such a different person one year ago. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Yet the feelings never really change. I mean, I may not feel the same about certain things like I used to but at the same time I cannot deny the feelings I did have. I believe that people never truly forget what those moments really felt like. I think people bury those feeling with other thoughts, and I also believe people let others bury those feelings for them, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet they are still there somewhere, hidden.

I think that one of the biggest steps I have learned to take is to accept how I feel, what I have felt in the past and not deny its place in my life. This goes for the people in my life as well. There are some people that mean so much to me who will always be in my heart whether or not they accept that. I may not talk to them that often, or at all anymore, but they mean a lot to me, just like all of those feelings. In so comparing, people bury the memories of those once close to them as well, and people usually allow others to help them bury the memory of those people, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet those people are still there somewhere in the world, and at one time they occupied a place in your heart whch may now be vacant yet, like 1104W, still emanates, even if just so slightly, those feelings that were there when they did occupy that space.

I say "protecting" because I learned that, that is exactly what it is. If it were growth then you would accept it and cherish it much like every good and bad experience. If I had a choice to live life over again and change things, I would not change a thing at all - - why? First off in order to make that decision I need all 25 years of my experience to come to such conclusions as to what to change in my life. Second, to want to change something in one's life seems to me such an unhappy thing, was it that bad? Then again I can only say this for myself and no one else.

1104W will always be an important part of my life. As much as I dislike the place, it represents so much to me. It was like an incubator, I grew up a lot, changed a lot from there. It was my third home in the DC area and I learned a lot from my experiences throughout the duration of my residence.

I miss it already, and yet I am radiating happiness. It was the final physical anchor I had to her and my leaving Whitehall completes the entire process of separation between her and I. The fact that there is absolutely no excuse to see or speak to each other ever again will prove to be quite the experience. It is a bit melancholy to think that after such a prolonged time of intimacy, the end result is a penetrating silence. I would be a liar to say that I no longer think about her despite the sea of emotions we have placed between us. Yet, if it must be so for the sake of happiness, for the sake of finding one's own inner fire and letting it grow...ergo; Carpe Diem!

Einstein was right....

It is pretty intense when other people's fears throw you off of your path. It is even more intense when it is someone really close to you that tries to convey that feeling of fear into your world. The use of fear and scare tactics as strategy to convince someone of a better path is kind of like guerrilla warfare on one's psyche. I guess there are several ways to approach these types of encounters, here is some I could think of off the top of my head:

I. Approach it like a test - - do you really believe/want whatever it is you believe/want?

You can always ask yourself if you really believe in something or really want something, but when you hear it from someone else, when you hear a different voice question your inner dialog it is a bit more challenging to engage. It makes you verbalize your inner thoughts and convictions regarding the matter - - that's why some people get very defensive when it comes to questioning their motives.

II. Take it as insight into a situation - - did you take their perspective into light?

Sometimes you miss a certain angle...is that so bad? We are only humans.

III. Heed the warning!

You could always chicken out and let your convictions fall through under the weight of scrutiny. That's a bit harsh...but there is some truth to it!

The common denominator in all three of these scenarios is that at the end of the day, whatever it is these nay-sayers and fear mongers throw your way, the only thing that matters is how you interpret it. In fact I am noticing that more and more with life in general. All the good and bad stuff, that is all in your head. Granted I am still trying to figure out what position I should take when thinking about my car that is in the shop right now because someone nailed it while it was parked in Georgetown. I wrote it off as karma, I must've done something really dumb. I leave you with a quote, which I run through my mind everyday, from a man who possessed one of the most powerful minds the world was fortunate enough to have witnessed:

"Great Spirits Have Often Encountered
Violent Opposition From Mediocre
Minds."
- A. Einstein

Stay Strong, Your Conviction is Powerful!

Image: Einstein with Bush
Url: http://www.thetalentshow.org/2005/11/21/the-most-powerful-man-in-the-world/

Universe, Course Correcting in T Minus 5...4...3...2...1

Do you ever watch Lost? I am really into Desmond's story right now, especially the episode about how the universe has a way of course correcting. If something were not to fall into place the way it were supposed to (according to the universe) then the universe would find a way to make sure it happens. I like the idea because I thoroughly believe in me being the only master of my universe, that I control what happens. The whole concept of the universe having preset plans has always intruiged me. I am leaning more towards the idea that the universe has already preset consequences and that we are simply here to choose the route. Like those books where the ending depends on what choices you make at specific points in the story.

Granted, it is not always what we want that we get but most of the time at the end of the day it is. Lately I have been really in tune with myself and for a moment I lost my daily structure and my routine and kinda lost a little bit of focus. Primarily due to the fact that I am moving around and all the stresses that come with that. Hopefully this week I can jump back into the routine, but chances are that won't happen until next week.

I am on the verge of beginning my exit from the US. I am working on aligning everything to accommodate my departure. I have made some serious decisions and some people may not like it but it must be done. Most of my life I have always tried to reach out and tried to accommodate both what people in my life want and what I want. Unfortunately that just doesn't work out too well in the end. This time I have decided to make decisions irrespective of what the consequences are amongst people that I care about. It is really high time that I put myself before anything else. I know that I have said that so many times in my life before but this time it is absolutely imperative that I set some limits.

I know myself well enough that I will not be able to completely focus on myself when it comes to all aspects of my life. I like people too much. I have a friend who is all about focusing life on himself, he lives on his own, has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than one month and doesn't intend to be in one in the near future. I always thought that his life was lonely, that it seems as if he should have someone in his life. I find myself stopping my thoughts at that point though because I remember one important critical thing: he is happy. Then I wonder what it took for him to get to that point, if the universe has some plan for him and being alone is just his course at the moment. I guess it doesn't matter so long as you are happy.

I think about my path in life, I look back at where I came from and all of the people, things and events which took place...all of the course correcting.. One course correction occurred when I was pulled out of school by my parents in 2000. I was so happy in London, very carefree. I was a psychology major then. My whole existence in Europe was extremely idealistic for me. I worked at the university pub for drinks instead of cash, went to carnivals in Leicester Sq., partied in some cheesy clubs like Ministry, and got trashed at many pubs. Oh did I mention my fake ID? My name was "Zak Daniels"...such stupid high school crap...I wonder if I still have that somewhere. "Why did you need a fake ID in London?" you ask, well my dear reader, I was only 17 when I went to college! In any case, I got pulled out of classes due to a health scare which in the end was nothing. This universal intrusion was probably one of the best things that could have happened. I spent the majority of 2000 running around Thailand, jumping from island to island and seeing some amazing things. The most important thing is that I changed life perspectives and decided to do more with my life.

The most recent incident of course correction was my trip to the Virgin Islands. It was not as "aggressive" or as dramatic as the others have been in the past but equally as important and carried just as much impact on my life. It was the first experience I have ever had where I calmly reached within and found who I was and ever since, I have never felt so like myself. I usually keep these experiences close to my heart because of these internal impacts and residual sentimental feelings, but in all honesty, as beautiful as the Virgin Islands are, this trip was definitely more about me. The islands were just the perfect backdrop. I guess the root to all of this is that, it is the first beautiful place I had ever been to and do not feel the need to have to go back. I really learned to carry it in my heart. Once I managed to do that I remembered all of the feelings I felt in all of those beautiful places I have seen, like Koh Chang. Almost instantly, I lost the sad and needy feeling to go back to these places.

I have always preached holding on to a wonderful place in your heart. It is interesting though when can do so with every moment in your life and, in fact, with the future ahead of you. What I mean is, its such a great feeling to know what feeling you are going to get when you think about your future. I think about the feeling I am going to get when I leave this place. It is a touch of melancholy and a healthy dose of pure happiness. As I think of it I almost invoke the feeling and when I can do that I know that it is the right thing for me to pursue. I think of the person I am now, the person I was and I am overjoyed when I think of the person I am going to be. Every time I do so it feels so comforting. So, yes, I still do believe that I control where I go in life but, these days I begin to trust in the fact that some things occur for the best outcome. Course correction, fate, you call it what you will, its a pretty crazy thing.

Image: Follow Me
Photo By: S. Tobler
Location: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico 2007

Look Back No Further

Wow, April already huh? It is so crazy to look back sometimes and see how much has happened in your life over a certain amount of time. Having a blog is a pretty intense thing, I don’t think I am used to it yet. Looking back at previous postings, you can see all the small changes taking place. Almost like one of those collages where all the small individual pictures make up one larger image.

They used to have the King’s anthem played before every movie started in the theatres in Bangkok. One of the sequences they used to have on the screen while the anthem played was of all the various activities, projects etc. the King undertook. They were individual squares of footage which would come together to form a giant portrait of the King. I always thought that was awesome. To me it was very much a representation of what everyone’s life is…a bunch of individual experiences put together to form one giant existence. Whenever I think of it I think of an unfinished ever growing portrait of myself with these small squares of footage being added every second.

I guess I have learned to really hold these experiences close to heart over the past few months without having to feel sad that the moment has passed me by. In fact most of the time these days I laugh and smile and try my best to put myself into the feeling of that situation again. I used to want to go back to it, I used to long for what had passed, but these days I just cannot wait for the day I look back at, well, today.

There was a time when I was obsessed with going back to my “childhood countries.” Now that I think about it some more, I am probably more in love with what they were to me in the past than what it really is today. I do not mean to suggest that I no longer want to return. In fact, that is quite the contrary. What I am trying to get to is, I no longer want to try and re-create those moments. I just want more moments altogether. Looking back at my time in Bangkok, the reason why I enjoyed life so much was because I only had my future ahead of me. So I guess this very moment is actually quite similar to back then, now that I truly realize that there is still so much ahead of me. No wonder I haven’t been able to get this smile off of my face since I got back from the islands…

Image: 'Modern Man'

Drawing By: S. Tolber

Coloring: Sfynx

Digitizing: Sfynx

Collaging: S. Tobler

Reborn

About a month ago I wrote about doing a lot of internalization. I focused on the inside. I started doing that in late November/December. It has been almost four months now since I started doing that. I believe that it is time to move out of that phase and begin to refocus on externalization. I am an extreme extrovert and being so focused internally can have very depressing repercussions on me. My grandfather’s passing has also forced me out of my shell. I can’t spend too much time internalizing and let the world pass me by.

Over the past four months I have been able to get in touch with the person I want to become. I am more disciplined now, more in control of my emotions. Although these changes are new, powerful and very positive they have yet to solidify completely. At the same time nothing in life is clear cut and you can’t expect to reserve X amount of time for healing and X amount of time for whatever else. There is always overlapping. I am focusing once again on looking to a life beyond US soil. Instead of being obsessed with specific nuances I have decided to take a different approach; take things easy (what a concept!!). I am going to shoot my resume everywhere with no clear time frame in mind just yet. I kind of want to see what kind of responses I will get and then go from there. Don’t get me wrong I still have standards, i.e. I am not going to just take any job that I get a response from.

The past month has been really good. I got to focus on myself, I look and feel better than I have in years, I managed to fit into size 32 jeans again (I was almost 34 in Aug), and the best part is I threw in some international travel as well. To top it all off I have someone very close to me who is nearby for the next month and a half. In fact it was this person’s presence which catalyzed my move to externalize again. I think that my grandfather’s passing really set off some explosions internally and that week before I left the States for my small vacation, a lot of pressure was building up within. This person reminded me what living life was like once again and reminded me that the whole reason for my realizing so much when I was away in Europe was because I was searching for (and temporarily found) something to inspire me.

Another person, who was once very close to me, also told me not long ago to “do something that inspires you.” So I went away a couple of weeks ago on a five day journey to a country I have never been. Not only that but I went there with someone who could quite possibly be one of the coolest travel partners I have ever had the pleasure to travel with. Needless to say, I was re-inspired. Life has been up and down, left and right for me these days I guess, in terms of self direction and momentum but not in terms of outlook; I’ve never really dropped my positive outlook in life. I have been doing a lot more things differently and have been enjoying it in the process.

.....Cont'd on 3/26/07......

I just got back from the Virgin Islands. I have been waiting to post this until after I had returned. A new me has emerged and I like him a lot. The picture above really captures what has happened to me over the past month. I took this picture while I was in Mexico at a rooftop Shisha lounge called Fumari. It was a beautiful night and the picture inspired me to do exactly what I had captured....to finally break away, to solidify everything new and look forward. Sure there are some things which tag along but those are the pieces of the essential "me," the person I was looking for, a more refined me, that I took with. Its funny how once I finally break away, things can now finally come together, and it definitely feels that way.

Image: "Reborn"
Location: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico
By: S. Tobler
3/2007

Faking the Books

My current state of mind.......this one is called Faking The Books by Lali Puna

We’ve been done before and now we try to forge ourselves

We’ve been done before and now we try to forge ourselves

I’ll be true again

But until then I fake the books

‘Cause everybody knows

This ain’t heaven

Until everybody knows

We’ve been wrong before

There is a lot that we survived

We’ve been wrong before

There is a lot that we survived

I’ll be true again

But until then I fake the books

‘Cause everybody knows

This ain’t heaven

Until everybody knows

- Lali Puna

To Ernst...

Life is such a funny, fickle thing. Its twists and turns excites, inspires, breaks, angers, and awes us. Our fascination with it and our absolute clueless application of such a power leaves us so lost in it that we forget how valuable it is until it is taken away, much like many things in the world.

My grandfather, on my Swiss side, passed away last week at the age of 87, 88 in August. We were never very close, we never went fishing, we hardly spoke to each other, although we did do a lot of walking and when we did manage to talk to each other it was one of the most gratifying feelings. He saved my life once, well, indirectly. During the second world war he was contemplating running away to Argentina to escape the possibility that Hitler would invade Switzerland. He is not Jewish so his exodus would not have been for the sake of religious freedom (or preservation of life due to religious affiliation) but rather to escape the possibility of a complete nut dictating his life. Thanks grandpa, for deciding to stick it out.

The last time I saw him was in September 2006, during my amazing trip through Europe. Over the past ten years, each time I visited him we got a little closer, and this past vacation was no exception. I saw him in his usual form; busy. He was always a very active man, never once did I see him not do anything physical. His passion was his garden where he grew fruits, vegetables and flowers. It was his church, his life, love, and true home. He won awards for it, but beyond that its true merit lies in the fact that everything that grew out of that garden was pure in perfection and was a true representative of him. Having grown up on a farm it must have been the one thing he had that reminded him of his youth, much like how traveling is my one constant, my true love and passion...that garden was his gateway to eternal youth. Most of all, much like my passion, his garden was the ultimate expression of his love for life and very reminiscent of much better times, a much better world.

Whenever someone passes they inspire. They leave the world with people looking to their memory and remembering all the potential in their lives. Sometimes it is a sad thought, that the fact that you weren’t close to the person that passed reminds you of what you could have with your loved ones at the moment, in turn inspiring you to make more of an effort to be better...a beter grandson, son, daughter, mother, father, whatever.

I miss my grandfather tremendously, I know that we never got the chance to be close, given the fact that my father’s profession required him to travel significantly. Now that I know when I go back to Switzerland he will not be there, Switzerland will no longer be the same place in my mind. You see, people like me, we are a rare breed of humans. I still do not have a country as a home. The world is my home. Going to Switzerland is like walking from my living room to the family room. Imagine if a major component of what evoked the feeling of family in that room suddenly disappeared or was rearranged; that room would never be the same again.

I could end this by saying “I wish I had ______with him.” There is no need for for me to say that because I could go on forever. I only wish to be a better person, I only hope that I could become half the man that he is. My father, brother and I are his legacy, and the least I can do is to focus on the great adventure of life; his best gift to us.

It is all good...

I realize that is has been a while since I have posted anything. I received an email from a good friend inquiring as to what the delay was in publishing a new posting…I responded and I realized that my response is something I should post…

Since December I have given everything I have been through over the past six months considerable thought. Was I heading in the right direction? Is my decision to get out of this country the right thing for me? I guess that it was high time I truly posed those questions, I mean , really, the dust has settled now and I can definitely see everything in front of me. The ultimate conclusion I came to is this; no matter what I decide to do the first thing I need to do is focus on the small things first. From October to December I was so intent on my future plans that I was numb to what was really going on inside of me. It was as if though the thought and prospect of a better life somewhere else served as a sort of emotional anesthetic. I am not implying that my “realization” period meant nothing. In fact it was a significant turning point in my existence in that it did remind me of what and who I am, yet from the moment I arrived back to DC until one month/month and a half ago, I attempted to address my situation the way I usually addressed my life; focusing on the future. This approach ruined a lot of things in my past and here I was trying to apply the same method with a different subject matter. In essence that was what my whole drive to get out of this country was; A new subject.

So is a new place really going to make me feel better? More at home? More settled, maybe give me a sense of meaning? Probably for the first few months, then once you have seen everything and life hits you again and the cycle starts over. Old habits are a bitch but old perspectives are even worse and very dangerous!!

So, I have decided to take on a new approach. The overall objective is still to vacate this city, and hopefully this country. More importantly though, I need to fix things internally and be at peace with myself before I continue on. For the longest time I have only seen myself as a theory, an image of what could be. I never really thought about myself, of who I truly am. After really digging deep I realize that I was not honest with who I was and therefore how could I be honest with people around me? That is the reason why I took a break from blogging. Through my blog I was projecting this person, this idealistic me. I am not saying that what I said and what emotions were expressed were not genuine, but what I was saying was coming from a perspective of someone who wants to change and believes he is that what he is not. Does that make sense? It is almost as if my goals, standards and ideas of and for myself get higher and higher before I can even accomplish the first set of goals.

Since about mid December I have decided to take things slowly, something that I never really have done before and something that I need to learn to do. Patience is such a hard thing for me conjure up, and the lack of it will get me into some trouble if I don’t watch myself. I’ve started to do more things for myself in terms of physical and emotional growth. I need to let my brain take a rest because I never really have let it do so. I’ve stopped thinking about my future so much, I still do but not to the degree of obsession which at its height was pretty bad.

I decided to create a lot of physical goals for myself because I don’t think I have ever challenged my body like I have my mind. So I run about 20 miles a week now, I lift weights 5 days a week and I am jumping back into the Thai boxing world. The physical challenge is important for me because it creates a structure and is something I can control. The fact that I can control the physical aspect of my life is like methadone for a heroine addict, instead of trying to control my future I just control my physical form. It really helps and allows me to balance the social and emotional aspects of myself. I actually started working out at the end of November. I guess the tipping point (in this regard, which has nothing to do with inner growth) was, one day I was thinking about being in health class in Jakarta. I remember a chart showing the physical and sexual drive of men and women. The men’s physical chart peaked at 25, sexual chart peaked at 28-29. Women’s physical growth peaked at roughly the same time as men’s but their sexual drive peaked at 35-ish. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself

“Good lord, if this is as good as it gets we’ve got problems! On top of which if I peak sexually in 3-5 years and if I am not in good physical shape by the time my wife is 35-ish, I may as well let a hot 25 year old take the keys and drive!”

So I decided I wanted to be a hot 35 year old before my wife ran off with Carlos the hot trainer at the gym (so to speak).

The results have been great physically but I am happier with the emotional results. I am not as demanding of people and my future. On top of which it really relieves the itch to get out of here so fast. That is such a good thing because I do not know how I am supposed to be happy if I cannot be happy with myself wherever I am.

Going back to giving my brain a rest, the primary driver to the importance of this is that I was becoming so critical of people that sooner or later it would push them away. I think too much in general, I am constantly thinking and this lead to my thoughts, my brain, overpowering my soul. I would say things that I did not really mean and it would come off as hurtful or extremely critical even though I did not mean to. I stressed myself out and never took my time all because of some self created inner pressure. This one is a hard one for me to fix but I have made huge strides and I am confident that I will overcome 100% of it in time.

I can go on and on about the things that have happened to me internally over the past month but that could get boring. In any case, I am making a lot of progress, I am not the person I was six months ago and it is all good…

All These Things That I've Done

When there's nowhere else to run

Is there room for one more son

One more son

If you can hold on

If you can hold on, hold on

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go

You know, you know - no, you don't, you don't

I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks

I am so much older than I can take

And my affection, well it comes and goes

I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You know you got to help me out, yeah

And when there's nowhere else to run

Is there room for one more son

These changes ain't changing me

The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You know you got to help me out, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

(Time, truth and hearts)

Yeah, you know you got to help me out

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You know you got to help me ou, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down

Yeah, oh don't you put me on the backburner

You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah

You're gonna bring yourself down

Over and out, last call for sin

While everyone's lost, the battle is won

With all these things that I've doneAll these things that I've done

(Time, truth and hearts)

If you can, hold on

If you can, hold on

Kinda scary how some songs hit the spot.....

Krung Thepisation

It was the summer Californication came out. Busby, Nolan, James, Shoko, Tim, Rob, Jana and I…we had been meaning to go and had been talking about it for the entire semester. Wakeboarding at Tako (I think that’s how it is spelled). A man-made lake created exclusively for wake boarding….too much fun. Jana didn’t really know or care about what we were doing, she was visiting from Germany and was just there to have fun. I remember Rob trying to hit on her and how she would complain to Nolan and I about how annoying he was getting. James and Shoko were dating back then, Nolan, Busby and Tim making up the trio of bachelors. I was in a long distance relationship at the time which was silly because I was 17 and I really should have just been having fun.

Nolan was the only one out of all of us that had a car to drive. Some of us drove but not all. I learned to drive in Bangkok and if you can drive there, you can drive anywhere! So, Nolan drove us to this lake on a lazy day. He drove a four door sedan and there were eight of us. Three in the front, the rest in the back. I remember the feeling of just meeting up and going. I think we were hung over, yet the idea of being out in the sun and just having fun all day was such a promising thought that it banished any nasty feelings. Sunglasses, board shorts, cigarettes, alcohol, and a few other accessories…oh yeah, water.

The facilities itself were not impressive, changing rooms, showers, a rectangular lake with wires running around it, and of course the deck with the knee boards and wake boards. It was my first time on a wake board, actually it was pretty much most of our first times on a wake board.

‘It’s just like surfing man, trust me its easy!’
‘Yeah just make sure you distribute more weight to the back end.’
‘Oh and don’t forget, when you get to the turns make sure you go wide!’
‘Wait what happens if you…don’t…’

Too Late…

I made it about five meters before I plunged my board into the water and the cables dragged me across the water for another 3 meters before I let go.

‘That was AWESOME!’ was all my teenage mind could come up with. A few tries later and I finally made it to a turn…unfortunately due to my excitement earlier I neglected to reiterate my inquiry as to what happens if I don’t go wide on a turn. Experience truly is the best teacher.

I made it to turn 1 (there were only four turns) and I forgot to go wide. When the cable goes around the turn it looses tension and therefore you loose momentum causing you to sink in the water. Once the cable completes the turn and heads for the straightaway it regains the tension almost immediately. So when I get to the turn I begin to lose speed and my board begins to sink…a giant “?” appears over my head as I notice the cable slacken, the “?” is quickly replaced by a “!!” as I notice it begin to get VERY taught VERY fast. I did not let go of the cable and suddenly I am ripped right out of the water at an incredible speed, off of my board… once again I am body skiing across the water. I let go and swim back to retrieve my board, I pass by a pair of shorts, realize they are mine and quickly put them on hoping no one saw me, unfortunately as I grabbed my shorts one of the girls kneeboards by me and issues a quick ‘Meow!!’ as she boards right by my exposed bottom.

We all had a great time, and there were definitely more funny moments. I remember it was either Busby or James that ended up planting his face across the moving water, as in he went down face first and then his body followed…ouch! Unfortunately for us guys the girls were graceful and experienced no wardrobe malfunctions despite the fact that they were wearing bikinis.

By the end of the day our bodies were exhausted, it was the feeling of having been swimming all day long. Our faces were radiating with heat, we were so hungry and just wanted to chill out. Despite this we were happy.

The ride home was one of the best parts of the day, it definitely held my favorite feeling of the day. We all crammed back into Nolan’s car. We were tired and hungry but not cranky. We weren’t cranky because we had so much fun and everyone was just full of positive life. It was a long trip back to downtown Bangkok seeing as we were on the outskirts of the city. Steve and Tim passed out almost immediately; Shoko passed out on James and in the front seat Rob, tall ass Rob, was strictly instructed to stay up with Nolan as he drove. Jana and I talked most of the way but eventually she too fell asleep.

As I mentioned earlier, Californication had just been released, and being big fans of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, we played the tape over and over again…yes, I said tape as in cassette tape. Scar Tissue was playing while there was a calm silence right before everyone passed out. It felt almost like the video, we were exhausted, the sun was shining right in our faces, I watched the Bangkok city scene unfold before me as we drove…I remember looking at all of my friends and asking myself if this was ever going to happen again. Inside I knew the answer was no. We were all leaving Bangkok that summer to go to college. I was leaving within a couple of weeks actually and just being with those people, not saying anything but enjoying life, was such a great feeling.

The city itself was our other friend. I watched as we went from one scene to the next. Watching life in the city pass by. New buildings, broken buildings, the newest Mercedes model parked in front of a nondescript noodle stand, homeless people, children playing on the street and out of nowhere an old shopping mall with a movie theatre that must have been the place to hang out so many years ago. The billboard displaying a hand painted poster of the featured Hollywood movie dubbed in Thai, a movie which came out almost a year before.

That day was my last full serving of feeling young. Not just feeling free, but feeling like there was nothing in the world that could make me feel sad. I was so happy and so content knowing that there was so much I could do with my life. So much potential, so many unwritten pages…I was in love with life at that moment. I breathed it in, I enjoyed every second of existence without feeling like I was going to lose or gain anything. It was the calm before the storm…

Travelling Through Time, I Lost Myself...

A new year. Time for a fresh start. Thank God! I kinda wish that you could actually feel it though. Like taking a shower and feeling clean right after. Looking back over the past six years that I have been here in the States blows my mind. So much has happened, the world I knew most of my life has changed so much since I have been here. From the most general issues like the socio-political climate, to more specific things in my world like the people in it and my dreams.

I was such a different person when I first came to the US. I left Bangkok around the end of June/beginning of July ’00. I spent a month is Switzerland learning German, funny thing is I actually met Ms. Ocean and her sister during this trip for the first time but the world had other plans and we weren't to be friends yet. I am not sure exactly why I went or even agreed to go considering I hated Switzerland so much back then. I guess I was at a point in my life where I felt like I needed to move on and continue progressing. Sound familiar? Well, as similar as it sounds there is a solid and pressing reason why I was feeling so antsy at that time. I was pulled out of college due to a health concern, the results showed that there was nothing wrong with me, which in turn resulted in my traveling around Thailand for the better part of the year. Not such a bad sentence I know, but understand that as great a place is, it is not what you thought it was without the people you enjoyed it with. It can also work in the other direction, you think a place is shitty until you lose the people you hang with and realize how shitty it really is...I guess I should point out that places can get better by losing the people you were with as well…ANYWAY…

So I traveled. I went to island after island, beach after beach, temple after temple, and got messed up night after night…Naturally I did not feel like I was going to amount to much continuing on the way I was. The pressure of knowing that my friends were going to continue in life without me also played a factor. So I left it all behind in pursuit of my future, it was inevitable anyway…

I was in Switzerland for a month…it seemed like the longest month of my life. By the end of it I was speaking decent German, another month and I would have gotten it down. Unfortunately, I lost all of it in the US despite going back to classes for a little bit. My first year in the US was very hollow and uneventful characterized by me watching a lot of TV, eating Tostitos and playing soccer with the Swiss Embassy team. I had missed the deadline for University applications for that semester and as it turns out, I missed the deadline for the next semester as well because I was an international student and I needed to apply earlier. Bollocks!

By the fall I was ready to start Uni again. 9/11 happened and the whole world changed overnight. Every international person’s life in the US just got a lot harder and more stressful. International students graduating would find it harder to find work, students coming in from abroad would find it more difficult to get into the country, and those going home would risk not being able to complete their degrees.

During my first week into Uni I instantly I found friends and got right into the thick of undergrad life. I met my Indonesian friends within a few weeks of the fall semester. In late September I ran into a girl from my high school in Bangkok, I remember it as clearly as if though it happened yesterday. I was walking down the hall in one of the Uni buildings and I heard someone call me by a name that no one else called me by in the US at that time (only in Bangkok). By the end of October I was in a relationship which would last the remainder of my college career and into my first year of the “really real” world. That encounter and the resulting relationship was my saving grace and there would be no way I would be where I am today had that not happened.

In the summer of 2002 I went on my first road trip. Earlier in the year I got my first car. It was a 1995 Ford Taurus station wagon, it was also known as the boat, the tug, or Betsy. (One time I pulled up to a '62 Eldorado and found out that Betsy was longer that it counting the fins!)That road trip brought me to NY, to North Carolina and Florida for the first time. I also was fortunate enough to have gone skydiving on a beautiful day over the Florida coast. It was my first long haul and I did all of the driving. I remember having to smoke cigarettes almost every 20mins just to stay awake. I downed Red Bulls and anything there was to keep me up. We camped out of the back of my Taurus wagon in a camping lot by the beach in the Outer Banks, NC. That was fun. We stayed with a friend and his family in Vero Beach, FL. There we were completely spoiled. From the east coast of FL we went across to the west coast where there were beautiful clear blue waters and white sands. After that it was back to DC.

My college years were not the typical crazy college years. Well, at some points they kind of were actually. I went here and I partied there and it was cool for a bit. My first job in the US was at a McDonald’s. By the time I was in college I got another job in a CD store and I loved it. It was a very carefree time for me back then, school, work three times a week at a music store and partying. I needed more cash and I wanted to work more hours for it but the CD store could not afford it. So I quit and jumped industries. I got a job as a sales associate at Louis Vuitton. I spent about a year and a half there before I made my move to Tiffany & Co. I left T & Co. at the beginning of my second semester of my senior year. I saved up as much cash as possible and I joined UBS Private Banking as an intern. In any case I graduated eventually, after a considerable amount of jumping through hoops. It kills me to think about how I transitioned from a very carefree and broke nature to a stressful and materialistic existence.

After I graduated I went through six months of unemployment. I never knew how bad unemployment and the stress of the whole job search process could be. It is such a spirit breaker to have to go through so much and be beat down and then get your hopes up again only to be dashed again. I was practically broken by the time I finally landed a job where I am now. It is very hard to get a company to sponsor you for a freakin’ visa!

Before my current occupation,t my first job out of colege was with an IT consulting company. I really did not want to be there but they were passing out visas like it was Halloween and I was running out of time, plus I needed the cash. I worked there for about four weeks, one of which was in NY. My buddy Mr. Lovin’ came to visit me one night and we went out on a Wednesday or something. We got completely trashed and spent too much money. We went to Scores, which is a strip club that Howard Stern always talks about. Quite frankly it was expensive and not worth it. I guess it is awesome if you are Howard Stern. The next day my friend was supposed to leave at around 8-ish and I was supposed to be at work by 7:30am. We woke up at 8 and I did not get to work until 8:30. It was bad because I was supposed to let people into the building and instead I walk into a quiet room full of people giving me a nasty look...and I smelled like a bar…anyway, I quit by the end of the week, especially when they informed me that the US had run out of visas. A month and a half later I found a company which took me in. For a moment everything was alright…

I was informed by my company that I could not be paid for the time my work permit expired to the time my visa took effect. That total time was 3 months. On top of which 1 ½ of those months had to be back home in Switzerland. By this time I had moved in to a new apartment with my ex-girlfriend and dog. All of this stress was topped off with a car crash that I got into. Just peachy.

So, once I finally got everything in line, all I have to do is get the visa, come back and Ta-Dah! You crossed the finish line! Apt, car, g-friend, dog, visa & a job. I leave to get the visa, three months later it hits me…after all of that…it hits me…where am I going with my life? I have moved so far away from who I was…am I ready to be this kind of person? I guess not.

Now, here I am.

So much has happened, so many faces come and go, so many places lived in and seen, so many memories made and forgotten and so much to look forward to. Was it the right decision to end it all? Does it matter at this point?

Time for a fresh start…a second chance....into the unknown we go...Happy New Year!