NY Metro Trippin'

"I know I am going to be successful, I just don't know how it is going to play out."

I said that on the NY Subway last weekend. It felt good to say it. Being in NY was great in itself; there is something about that city that I am so drawn to. I was walking around Chinatown and my friend was watching me the whole time. She mentioned how interesting it is to see me change almost instantly, like I was home. Being in Chinatown that day did feel like home. Although I didn't notice the change in my overall demeanor because I was so lost in my thoughts of who I was, how people change, the great memories I had of being in NY, replaying the scenes in my mind on the exact same streets I walked on with my friends during the weekend of my 21 st birthday. I find that I am able to lose myself in these memories with little effort these days. If I had my way I would have walked all over the city, lost in such a state. It was an amazing feeling. I had not felt such a feeling in quite some time now. I really got swept away, back in time, I felt like I was in Asia again but in addition to my experiences in the states all mashed into one. I don't think I was ready for that.

I now believe I can move onto a new and equally important question for myself. What do I want to do with my life? I know who I am now, I know myself better than ever. So what do I want to do with who I am? If I know I am going to be successful and I know who I am, then really, all it comes down to is what I want to do. I always thought that I knew what I wanted to do but after really examining that over the past few months I have found that what I thought I knew was in fact not really what it was. What I mean is, I knew what the desired end result was to be, yet I could not clearly pinpoint what I wanted to do in between. I am at such a critical point in my life at the moment, I can feel all these changes going on and it seems like I am on the verge of something amazing. I don't know the details but I am definitely feeling a strong pull towards a certain direction.

A part of me is scared, very scared. The thing about the US is that everything is directed at catering to the individual. What I mean is that the orientation here is such that products and services are brought to your door despite the slight intrusion into one's privacy. All a person needs to do is reach out for whatever they want. When everything is catered for an individual's needs it is hard to not get comfortable. It is a bit different in the outside world, especially in Europe. People value their individuality and the small freedoms associated with it. Ergo things are not directly catered to you as an individual and the individual is made to go and seek out what it is they need. Every time my doubts and fears arise regarding how I want to approach my future, I know that at the heart of it lies this very fact about the US and the very tendency for us human beings to simply get comfy. Everything is here. NY definitely evokes that feeling for me.

I constantly ask myself if I really am risking "throwing it all away" as many people have said or implied. Will I ever get back into the US? If not, does it matter? After all, I have lived 20 out of 25 years outside of this country and weren't those 20 years the better ones? Maybe, but I never had to work in those countries. These questions and bouts of self doubt are inevitable, yet unmatched against set convictions that my eventual departure would benefit myself and my certain success in life. It is quite an arduous process, fighting back such negative sentiments, especially when in the guise of close friends and family. There are times when I believe and fall victim to the comforts readily available in the US. I think of all the things I am able to do here, there are simply so many distractions.

It all boils down to one essential question though doesn't it?

"What Makes You Happy?"

It is all that really matters in the end. This is what keeps me focused everyday. I ask myself that and every time I do I think of all the places I visited and all the feelings associated with them. Then, I remember what it is that makes me happy. I know that one day I will live in the US again, hopefully that will be in NY.

Walking on the brink of change (and knowing it) is intimidating and exciting all at the same time. I wonder where I will be in....not so long from now.