Taking Apart the Machine

End of the line for the Machine, it is off and now it is time to take it apart. Dismantling the 4.7 year-old machine is proving to be quite an intense process. You discover so much about yourself that you would not have otherwise seen. It is like taking apart all the things you held close to you. You start to see how removed you are from the life you used to live. Sometimes you pull off a piece that was reminiscent of such a beautiful time, how happy you once were in this little universe you created and shared with people you once held so very close. An old apartment, a picture of your puppy, vacation pictures, gifts...it is quite an intense process. It makes you question your decision to become this new person. This rush of sadness hits you full force and moves like blood draining from your face. Some people crack at that point and eagerly go running back to what they knew. I cannot do such a thing for various reasons. Primarily, I have nothing to run back to and everything to run towards. I always keep that in mind during these surreal times. Being alone in this world I am in can get really stressful and simply giving up and running back seems to be the easier way out sometimes...instant comfort, so much easier. It would be a lie though. An illusion.

Part of this process includes all the people I called friends. Sifting through all of them and seeing who has been genuine, who has hidden agendas and some maybe just crazy...and not in that fun way. Loyalties are easily shown when put under intense pressure, I mean you really do see true colors come out. Even with people you thought were very close, like your exgirlfriend...it is scary to think how much they actually care for you, because apparently (in my case) it is not all that much. I am not bitching, really I promise. I have become so detached from the life I have here that the only people left that can hurt me are nowhere near this forsaken city. They are able to hurt me simply because they are the closest to me. No one here is close to me now, they just do not know me anymore to be close. Most people like to think they are, they have no idea.

It is a lonely process, but trust me when I say that I have never been happier since I got to this country. I know I am heading in the right direction, I know that there is more to life than this, I know that I just saved myself from a miserable and meaningless existence. Those facts in addition to my friends abroad and my two close friends in the US are keeping me together.

The last part of the dismantling process is my exit strategy. I have an estimated time frame laid out and all lights are green for implementation. This plan of mine seems to have caused some uproar with some friends, I just do not think they see the bigger picture though. It is hard when you’re on the outside and they are on the inside...the very thing you want to get away from. Some friends just won't accept the fact that I am leaving the US altogether. It is as if they almost deny that fact as a whole.

The fact that people here do not believe in me is probably the hardest thing I am dealing with at the moment. I cannot wait to leave this all behind, away from the critics and away from the crazies. It is as if though every plan would never work in their eyes. I look back at who I turned into here and realize that I too was becoming like that. It seems as if every time they hear someone talk about their dreams and pursuing it they try to knock you down to their level or lower just to get off on it. Just to feel better about themselves because they don't have the balls to make the move on their own. I am out of here people, accept it....

I have entered Phase 1, lets see how things roll on from here out.