Paradise Lost

Living in Thailand (between 1996 - 1999, and the majority of 2000), was the last time I remember being happy, truly happy. Everything in my environment at that time was conducive to my being happy. I emphasize "at that time" because now, at this point in my life, that environment (if it still existed) would definately not supplement or nourish my happiness. I would not grow. In fact I remember that when I left Bangkok in 1999, as much as I loved Thailand, I was ready to go. It was the first time in my life that I was willing to let go of something I loved because I knew that there was somethng better in the horizon. I also knew that staying in Bangkok would not get me anywhere career wise and that was the first time I sacrificed something I held close to my heart for what I thought would make me happy and successful in the long run. 'Bangkok would always be there' I told myself....

In 1999 I went to London for University. At that time I was studying Psychology, don't ask why. I was happy in my autonomous microcosm which I created and had been dreaming of while I was in Thailand. It was what I wanted at that time, I think it was due to all the books I was into prior to my arrival to Europe; Camus, Marleaux, Orwell, Nietzsche, Tolstoy...in any case I totally romanticised the idea of being in Europe and I reveled in my time in the sun (or in this case the overcast and rainy atmosphere) like a pig in mud.

At that time in my life I embraced the idea of being free physically, spitirutally and mentally. I took it all in, I enjoyed my coffee and cigarettes in the cool mornings and late evenings with friends. I liked conversations with random people in pubs. I listened a lot and developed an addiction to listening to people's stories and getting underneath to see what they are really all about. This addiction grew and grew and eventually became an undying need to try and understand everything and everyone I came into contact with. To this day I have retained and refined that hobby. I was always open to what life was going to throw my way. In fact I thought I could handle just about anything it did throw my way by smiling and taking it head on...

It was in 2000 that everything changed for me. The one thing I held so close to me was taken away; my freedom. While visiting my family in Bangkok for Christmas I did my annual physical checkup. Apparently, the doctor found a lump in my upper right lung which, of course, is no laughing matter at all. I ended up getting pulled out of school and was subjected to months and months of scanning, testing and doctor visitations. This concluded years later when they decided it was nothing at all. My physical freedom was partially paralyzed, my spirit was broken because I thought that I was being held back, and with all these things going on, my mind decided that something had to be done, that when all of this is over I am going to need to catch up to all of my colleagues because I did not want to be that guy who screwed up after high school. I did not want to fall behind.

A couple of months into the endless testing I decided that I need to get out of the city and so I travelled the southern islands of Thailand. I did the full moon parties, back when they were at their purer forms, I did the treks and the waterfalls and rented bikes and slept on beaches. I began to cherish the idea of paradise and fell in love with it all over again. Everything came together for me on an island in the east coast of Thailand. It was definatly life changing. I was watching the sun go down on the beach one night and noticed that it was the most beautiful sunset I had ever seen. So many colors that I thought could not even possibly be in a sunset. It was an orchestra of red, blue, violet, green, orange, yellow, black, white, pink, peach, marigold...it was perfect.

I sat on the beach with my elbows on my knees sensing everything in my environment. The sand between my toes, the imprint I was leaving in the sand, the warm tropical waters teasing my feet drawing me towards the ocean, calling me to feel her warm embrace. The feel of a cold beer in my hands, the smell of tropical coconut sunscreen on my face, the fresh feeling of having taken a shower and the residual feeling of waves rhythmically flowing throughout my body as if though it were dancing around my very life force. It was the breeze that brought it all toghether. The warm topical breeze cooling the sunburn on my very brown face, it rustled the palm trees which was to me a calming voice, the crashing waves representing the definitive feeling of being home. This is my home, this feeling is my home, I longed for it and missed it even before I left it. I made the decision that this is what I would fight for in life, this feeling...

The longing for that state of being was so intense I had to incorporate my drive for success into a grand plan with a specific focus: Make a crap load of money and use it to supplement a life of living on a beach. I became obsessed with getting my financial plan together that I decided to isolate what I held precious to me, put it in a box only to open it later when I have accomplished my goals. Not only do you put away a memory, or a feeling but you have to put a part of yourself away. I did that in the hopes that I could preserve it. Unfortunately, this changes you so much to the point where you forget where you hid that precious little box. I could no longer find it and three years later I find myself looking at a picture of that same sunset saying 'I wish I could be there again, to have that feeling again.' It was not until six months after that realization that I finally understood that the feeling I was craving was really a part of who I was back then. So I started to look back at myself and thought, 'God, you were so much more back then. You did not have anything but you were so much more. Paradise was inside of you the whole time!'

I lost paradise; I had it and I threw it away thinking that I would be able to bury it like a treasure chest and that I would someday return to it. It would be another three years before I would find that person, before I would find the way back again.......

X marks the Spot