Paradise Revisited at the Height of the Epoch

It is always intriguing to get what you want and then realize you do not want it. I fought so hard to stay here in the US and now I look at what the Machine has produced and it is not what I thought it was going to create. It is important to note at this point that part of the idea of the Machine includes my friends here and is not strictly about my exgirlfriend and I. The Machine encompasses everything I have here but it was born from my exgirlfriend and I in that it would not have been born had it not been for the both of us.

My time in Europe had significant ramifications in that it reminded me of who I was. I found that box that I hid from myself! I cannot take full credit for that though, I was helped. Time and a strong person led me to see who I really am, once again.

I remember now what I love, what I look for in people and what really drives me. I have not recovered that 'feeling' I had on the island in Thailand. That is yet to come; although now I know that it is possible to find that feeling again. I rediscovered two things while away, one is the powerful connection that you can make with people if they are willing to understand. I missed that a lot and I did not realize how much I missed that until I saw and felt it again. It makes such a difference in your daily life to have people who are not necessarily close but are willing to understand you instead of push you down in some way in order to get off on whatever it is they get off on. That in itself is the basis of a potentially great friendship; the desire to understand.

The second thing I rediscovered was that I was happy again. I realized that there was something huge missing in my life and I found it again. I guess it is the feeling that I actually know that I can be happy in life so long as I let myself be so. It is also good to know that there are people who are willing to understand. In that light I gained a new perspective and approach to life. Instead of putting aside what makes me happy I truly want to pursue it, not just expect it to be some sort of byproduct of success. It is the other way around; success is the byproduct of doing something you truly love, the money will just follow.

Finding a place to have meaningful experiences is something I would like to pursue immediately. I think I would be able to call Switzerland home. It is a very strange thought for me but I think it just may be possible. I met some great people there and I believe that with their help I can definitely find a way to create life changing experiences in my birthplace. I am not saying I want to live there forever, but it is the easiest way for me to continue my career and get out of the US. Knowing how life works though I just may end up back in the US within the next 3-5 years after I leave.

It feels good to know that happiness is out there, no I need to re-state that...If I say that then I am making the same mistake as the last time by removing it from myself as if though happiness were an entity of its own....It feels good to know that I am happy again, that it is inside me and something that I can run away to. I know what good people are, I know what life means to me now. For the longest time I was looking for that person inside me who I liked so much. I have found myself again and it feels good to know that I am in touch with that. My standard for friends has also changed. I am no longer blind to so much of the crap that people front, I can see through that now. I no longer am looking at my friends but instead I try to feel them and understand them. Unfortunately, what I have been discovering has been sad. I now realize that the people I thought would always be there are in fact not there for me at all.

This inner change that I have gone through has created so much turmoil in my life here in the US. My perspective just does not fit here. I am fine with that though. My new perspective has also put the Machine into center stage. What to do with this monster? I look at this behemoth that we have created and there is but one solution; The 'Off' switch. My relationship with my exgirlfriend was so closely tied to what we thought we wanted that in order to get away from the people that we have become we both made the mutual decision to go our own ways. We were in love with the wrong people, and now we have to find those two people again. The Machine had changed us and hindered us so much that we need to get away and do all those things we wanted to do originally.

I am now stuck in a world where I do not feel anyone truly understands me. I question the validity of many of my friendships and know that there are a couple of them that just need to end. Things aren't peachy here for me anymore, but that is alright. Inside I know what makes me happy and it just makes all these problems, issues and feelings of isolation look like technicalities and minor bumps in the road. Nothing gets me through the day more than knowing that there are people out there like me, that I am a happy person despite the fact that the world I have created is falling down around my shoulders. As all of this falls down around me I sit and watch as that perfect sunset breaks through like the light through a canopy.

I am taking apart this machine one by one, it will take time but when I do, that is when I will be gone. I will leave one day and live the life I should have lived with people I can truly cherish being with...