It Is Like An Addiction

At times I wonder what would’ve been had I not ventured into the unknown when I did. Would I have been happier than I am now with the calm and the peace of mind that everything is settled. Is it better to not know what could be? Should I have taken the blue pill Morpheus? It is hard to say that given the fact that I did not really have a choice but to leave. So, was it fate then? Am I destined to an unsettled life? Or is it me that creates these situations for myself? Do I set up feeling unsettled and create a situation for me to make some sort of move just to feel normal? If that is the case then I truly am a nomad, physically, mentally and spiritually. So why do I question it?

I watched A History Of Violence last night and I fell in love with the relationship the main character had with his wife. It was so calm and they were so into each other. It emanated from their very being, the aura of contentment glowing on their faces; happiness, just pure happiness with each other. I do not aspire to such a setting, mind you, cow land is not for me, but I took to their relationship so quickly. Something inside me started to scream out “That is what I want!!” It was such an intense feeling because it is something that I am not sure I will ever have in my life. Some things are meant for some people. I could see my dear friend Ms. Forest having that, it is quite the possibility for her. I am too ambitious I think, too willing to see the world and engaging in everything that it hast to offer. Everything has a price.

I guess that it would be possible to try and settle down at some point in my life. People say I need to. It is hard for me to see that though when I have never done it. My parents raised my brother and I in so many different countries. Do we long for a place to settle? I cannot speak for my brother, but I really cannot see that prospect in my life at the moment. I know my mother is yearning for it. My father may be as well.

So then my questions change; Is this epoch that I am going through right now a manifestation of some internal timing function meaning that I was overdue for a change and all I needed was a reason to do so? Have I become so accustomed to changing my life every five years that it drives me crazy to stay in one place for more than five? Is this a “Pavlov’s Dog” situation? I surely am frothing at the mouth to move and am in desperate need of a new change.

I look around at the people who I surround myself with. They all want to settle down in some form or shape. They are all focused on making their lives easier, being with people they love and finding their place. I on the other hand have decided to make life harder for myself in the hopes that it would become easier to manage down the line, with the hopes that it would be exciting, that there is something out there for me, someone, somewhere. “It is not always going to be this hard” people say. Sure I believe that, but the premise behind that is you keep your head down, stay in one spot and keep going. Consistency, that is the word. It is what is required of one to be happily settled, couple that with contentment and voila! You have a happy, stable and secure life. If there is one thing I am consistent about it is shaking things up when things are about to settle down.

It is a strange feeling/state of mind that I am going through right now. There are a lot of things playing into it. For example, I am turning my current residence into what I want. Quite frankly, I am happy with the result. I caught myself saying, ‘feels like home finally’ and I began daydreaming about all the fun I would have being on my own again. That’s when I started asking myself all of these questions.

I think I may be putting too much emphasis on the physical aspect of settling down. I guess what I am getting to is that I would simply love to have a moment in my time where I am not fighting for something all the time. I have been chasing dreams and whenever I get close to it, it almost seems as if I switch gears and find another one to chase. Chronic dreamer? Perhaps.

I cannot lose focus, I think I am just feeling the pressure, feeling the yearning to go back to what is normal. It is like an adiction.