Pronounced Feelings

I have not done a spur of the moment posting before but I think now is a good time because it would be good to see how I am truly feeling with all these things going on around me.

Today is an interesting day for me. I am full of mixed feelings but the ones which are more pronounced are a sense of detachment, inquisitiveness and an overall state of contentment with my life. It would be great to get the chance to step outside of myself for a few hours today.

I had the chance to talk to my good friend Ms. Forest last night. As sad as she is about the situation I am in now she is extremely happy for me overall. She is almost jealous about my plans in that she would like that lifestyle back; we once had the same lifestyle being international children and traveling everywhere. She yearns for it again but growing roots is more important to her, on top of which she has found her place with the one she loves. I am truly happy for her. Talking to her was great because she completely reassured me that I am going the right way. In my previous posting I was talking about how the self doubt was getting to me, well, that is resolved. You may think that ‘yeah but she is your friend and she will always support any decision’ not true. There have been times in the past where she has vehemently opposed certain actions which I was contemplating to take. There is a balance with her and that is why I listen.

There is enough craziness in my life to make some of the strongest people I know break down. It is the state of mind that I am currently in that is really making the difference for me. It isn’t that I am not letting these things get to me. That would imply that I am putting effort into not being affected by these issues. The fact is I do not even try to stay happy or focused or anything. I make no effort at all beyond thinking about the possibilities the future holds. I kind of just accept it all for what it is and in so doing nothing hurts right now. It is almost like I transcended some sort of barrier by simply taking a different perspective. The self doubt thing is a bit different in that it is myself that questions my actions and almost my very being. When that happens nothing can protect you, because I believe that it is only oneself that can truly destroy everything you are.

Some people may think that I am still experiencing the ‘travel residue’ or ‘travel nostalgia.’ Well, it has been a month since I got back. Not feeling very nostalgic. Although I do feel very alive whenever I think about that trip…