The 'S' Inquisition

Self doubt is a real pain in the ass. I keep going through bouts of self interrogation. This past weekend I spent most of my time questioning my motives and maybe trying to justify people’s suggestions or arguments against my decision to repatriate. I do not think that there is a critic out there that is more critical of me than myself. Therein lies the problem. As soon as the opportunity arises for me to criticize my own motives the damage can be paramount to the decisions I made or the direction in which I want to change. This is the point where outside counsel is extremely important. It seems so juvenile, though, to search for reassurance, especially when you know you are in a situation where there are very few people who would offer such a thing.

I must admit that this whole self-interrogation thing is a part of who I am. I have always done this for as long as I can remember; I play as my own devil’s advocate. I used to call it my ‘failsafe mode.’ I like to cover all angles. I approach a lot of things in this manner; I like to see every possibility that I can. Despite how much I want to completely change a significant amount of aspects about myself, there are just some things abut me that will always be the same. This is one of them. Is it a good or a bad thing? I do not know. I guess the most important thing is that I do not let it consume me like it used to.

When it did I became so full of fear. Primarily fearful of failure and secondarily fearful of being alone. Fear was probably one of the the main underlying reason why my realionship with my exgirlfriend broke apart. We held on to each other beacause we wanted the safe route to a dream which required a bit more daring.

I think I have this undercontrol, I just need some reassurance.