I know that my previous posting about snakes was a bit angry so just to lighten things up I am going to tell you a story about my friend the Tiny Dancer.
Ms. Ocean came to visit last week and I decided that, in order to be a good host, I would show her more than just DC. My friend, Mr. Lovin’, happened to be in the process of moving down to North Carolina and had been talking about how cool Wilmington was. So I decided, why not take her there? Sounds like a cool beach town. I mentioned it to Ocean and she was game. I also mentioned it to my other friend, Tiny D.
Side Story
Tiny D got his name from one night out at a club called Fur. Fur isn’t exactly the best club I have been to but Tiny D always goes there because of the DJs that come through. In any case his name is a derivative of his dancing style and his stature. He is not huge and he dances a unique style reminiscent of the River Dance and traditional Balinese dancing…except to electronic music…and only to electronic music cuz he dances differently to hip hop.
‘…Now back to the lecture at hand…’
Tiny D was game as well, especially after I mentioned how cheap it was down there and the availability of certain…local produce. The crew had been assembled and the flight plan was simple:
Take 1-95 South until you get to 40 East.
Duration: 6hrs (with stops and holiday traffic)
Meet Lovin’ at a bar by the beach.
I would take the first shift and Tiny D would take the second. Ocean would just get to chill, of course since she is visitng. We would leave at 11AM and arrive around 6-7PM. That was the plan.
The night before Ocean, Tiny D and I went to Fur (the afore mentioned club). It was not a crazy night or anything but it was great to juat dance. Ocean and I stayed at the hip hop scene the majority of the time while Tiny D would switch from the Electronic room to hip hop. We all went home afterwards (around 4ish) and passed out…except for Tiny D who didn’t catch any Z’s until 8AM.
The following morning everyone was feeling great and ready to get out of DC (who isn't?). I packed CDs, 1st and second season of Arrested Development to watch in my car and everything we needed for an overnighter. As soon as I get to Tiny D’s place he comes out all ready and VERY energetic. He insists he can take the first shift and so I agree. We get a call from Lovin’ and we decide to meet on I-95S, since he did not end up leaving the night before, which originally he was supposed to.
After some traffic and about 4 or 5 episodes into season 1 we finally catch up to Lovin’. Unfortunately Tiny D was so focused on the show that we ended up a mile behind Lovin’ and really had to catch up. Fed up with Tiny D's imitation of driving Ms. Daisy, I tell him to go to the next Gas station so we can fill up and switch. I got into the car and it was a smooth cruise most of the way.
We got to Wilmington around 8ish; just enough time to chill and get ready for the evening ahead. The first bar we went to was a bit quiet. Nothing much going on but it was interesting nonetheless. I definitely felt like a city boy, but I took it all in anyway, I thought it was great. To the right of me Tiny D is chatting up some girls. I was surprised given the fact that it wasn’t his usual style. In fact I don’t ever see him chatting up girls. It was at that point that I thought to myself ‘I haven’t really seen him with a girl before.’ A mission manifested itself in my mind. I felt a sense of ‘Things could happen for him…no, really, I can help make things happen.’ This quickly turned into ‘I know I can make this happen.’ I felt a sense of pride as if though I were crusading for something glorious.
I presented my mission to Tiny D who accepted it with a grain of salt, probably thinking ‘Whatever.’ His acceptance simply fueled the flames and I was totally on; I put on the game face and decided ‘I am going to be the best wingman this guy has ever had.’ I decided upon a strategy; Since Ocean was there, what better lead could you want? Girls will always trust a female stranger sooner than they would a male stranger (I believe this is referred to as common sense). Ocean would be our ice breaker and Lovin’ and I would be wingmen. What exactly does a wingman do?
Tangent!
Well, I am glad you asked. Wingmen minimize the occurrence of extraneous variables getting in the way of your friend meeting, or getting to know, a member of the opposite sex…or same sex….it doesn’t matter. Let me use the example of the ‘Pick and Roll.’ As most of us know a Pick is a play in basketball wherein an offensive player sets up a pick (stands next to a defenseman perpendicularly making a “T” formation so that it would block or make it difficult for the defenseman to move) so that his offensive teammate could move in the direction of the pick and go for the basket. The idea is similar for a wingman. If the person with which your friend wishes to engage has a friend (defenseman), your job as a wingman (no matter what he or she looks like) is to ensure that you are sufficiently engaging that friend in conversation…or drinks…or any activity not involving the person your friend is interested in. The primary objective of the wingman: Find as much alone time for your friend as possible. This applies to both men and women. A wingman is also there as auxiliary support. If you notice your friend is ‘losing’ him or her it is your duty as wing person to make him or her look better; Take the hit if you have to…just remember, Karma. Married people are the best wing persons by the way simply because they don’t have to engage in the silliness, karma has no effect on them and they find it all amusing. ANYWAY, another part of the auxiliary role is make sure that your friend doesn’t overdo it. I refer to this as ‘Offsides.’ Don’t let your friend overstep their bounds; they can’t expect to stand in front of the goal waiting for you to pass the ball nor can they expect to simply hook up immediately…that’s just rude! Keep things classy people! Anyway, I’m sure there are other intricacies of being a wing person which I have not covered but this should suffice for the time being. If you wish to continue this conversation with me leave your name and number in the comments section. My office hours are 7PM-12AM Mon-Fri EST.
...back to Wilmington...
After the first bar Lovin’ took us to another bar with a live Reggae band. I was all about it. I was feeling good and totally feeling the place. We drank there for a little bit and just had a good time. I noticed two girls on the dance floor and I was telling Tiny D that he should go up there and start talking to them. Nothing came of it except the kind of laughter when translated comes out to: 'Really? You think so? Nahhh...wait, really?.'
Eventually one of Lovin’s friends came by and took us to a party at another place just a few steps away. This place was not as fun as the Reggae bar but it was $2 drinks…all drinks….Très Très Dangereux!! After a few shots and rail drinks we started dancing. Everyone was dressed up in black and we were all in jeans and t-shirts. After making fun of ourselves for a little bit we decide to go back to the Reggae bar.
I was sufficiently sauced at this point and I noticed the two girls still dancing. I walk up to Tiny D to reconfirm out mission. This time the mission statement changed to ‘This is going to happen tonight!’ The troops gathered up and we made our way to the dance floor. Tiny D did not waste anytime at all and he began talking. Lovin’ steps up and engages the defenseman…err...I mean her friend. Ocean and I just enjoy the scene and continue our march on towards Margaritaville…or was it Tequilatown? Piñacoladaburg? I don’t remember…maybe it was Funkytown…no, no it was Mojitoisle!
So we were dancing and eventually we all decided to get going. Turns out Tiny D and Lovin’ did such a great job that we were all invited back to the ladies’ place for a nightcap. We sauntered on over their abode, Ocean and I are completely LIT! I could barely move and by the time we found a couch Ocean was already halfway passed out. As soon as I walked into the girls’ place I noticed two aquariums with ball pythons in them. ‘Interesting?! What kind of girls are they?’ As I sit in my drunken state the first thing that is handed to me is a mason jar filled with a clear fluid inside and a label on the outside talking something about Moonie. I have never had moonshine in my life and I really do not look forward to having it again. It leaves the taste of stupid in your mouth. What I mean by that is, as soon as I took a drink the first thing I said was ‘Oh God, that was stupid.’ (Note New Policy Update: Don’t drink clear liquids from a mason jar!). The stuff was disgusting and the rest of the night was a patchwork of images to me...
I recall Tiny D having the time of his life and Lovin’ was all over the place. One image I remember was Tiny D handing over a glass filled with red liquid over to Lovin’ and telling him to try it. He does and immediately exclaims ‘Dude, what the Fuck is that!?!’ the response was not any better: ‘Moonie and Cranberry.’ Unfortunatley my cosmopolitan friend tried to bring an urban feel to a rural drink. Not always the best of ideas.
At one point I remember they started playing ping pong…the whole thing was a fuzzy montage, their movements looked almost digitized to me. During a break, Tiny D came up to Ocean to ask her advice on the situation and her analysis of the female counterpart in question. He had made significant headway, the pick worked and the door was open, all he had to do was walk in. I am not sure if it was the state that she was in, but the oracle spoke pure wisdom: ‘Go For It.’ So simple and straightforward. She has spoken, Tiny D got the green light, just 'Go For It'...
What I clearly remember before passing out was that it was time for me to go…when we finally got home we all crashed immediately…no wait…I think I may have had a Krispy Kreme doughnut first.
I awoke the next morning wondering why I was fuly clothed but thinking and feeling that I had done good. I accomplished the mission, he did not believe me but we got him there. I felt like shit, my voice was gone I was about to fall back asleep but then I hear a shuffling on the floor next to me. I sit up to find Tiny D trying to get up and make his way to the kitchen for water. Lovin’ was passed out on the couch…so we thought. As Tiny D walks past Lovin’ all I hear is
‘Dude, she asked you to go get condoms….
....but you ended up sleeping here!’
Mission: nearly accomplished.
P.S What is was that whole thing about leading horses to water?
