…Holding My Breath…

…I need to stop holding my breath…It is a funny fact about me…I guess it shows my true idealistic form…my hopes for something more in people…I talk about how much the future holds for me, and I have to stay strong during these tough times where no one seems to be around…it is like walking through a dessert, walking away from something…in my heart I know that the only thing I have is myself and my future…and yet it is hard for me not to look back hoping things, hoping people from the past would change, could understand me and come looking for me…if not at least to convince me to stay but at the very least to offer me a helping hand into my future...
…people say that if you want something from someone you had better go ask or else you can forget about receiving it…I can see how that applies to more tangible, material things, but I am not sure how applicable that is to emotion; how do you ask someone for understanding?...or consideration?...I am not sure…I would like to think that people are a bit more intuitive and can pick up on certain messages…
…I drop hints though…y’know, I say some things, some covert, some blatant…just to see if they hear that inner me…not many people listen…and even less hear at all…too much white noise…
…I ask myself if I have reached a point where I have deviated significantly from the norm and perchance therein lies my lack of emotional contact with those around me…it makes me sad to say that, I guess, I always have deviated from the mean…I watch my friends from a distance and realize how much they are a part of that norm…they don’t think they are…they talk as if they are, many think that because they have lived in different places or have traveled significantly that they are different…yes, they are more worldly…but when it comes to the human spirit how far do you have to travel just to understand the person in front of you?...I would say however far your voices can travel…it hits me when I see how people deal with other people and how they deal with their inner selves as well…that’s when you see it clearly…it doesn’t matter what your opinion is of the situation in Iraq…how you feel about Philipp Morris having bought out the largest tobacco company in Indonesia…what would happen to the US economy if China does not peg the Yuan to the Dollar…daily applicability; on a micro level, when it comes to human interaction, they are just like everyone else…it makes me sad to think of it…especially for the ones that I was very close to…
…I realize that I truly am too many standard deviations away from the mean….in the sense that I interact at a different level…I am not saying it is a better level…simply that in my current setting, I am an outlier, beyond the bounds of this society’s margins of error…Those of you reading this who find this a great thing, ask yourselves if you really believe so…or are you just like everyone else?...could you do it?...it is ‘cool’ to not be in the ‘mean’…I’ll use Indy Rock as an example…is Indy Rock really all that Indy now?...do you really think so? Look around you…I wonder what would happen if people who think they are totally Indy took off their Dolce & Gabbana aviators, wash out the hair product holding up their perfectly coiffed ‘messy look,’ took off the blazers with the perfectly placed rips which they bought at Urban Outfitters and look at themselves…could they look around at the people they hang with and walk away after realizing they don’t really give a damn…would they come looking for you when you get lost in your dessert?...
…A small part of me is hoping they would come looking…my mother always told me to aim for the best but to never expect the best…this one piece of advice has gotten me through a lot… I need to stop holding my breath…no one will arrive, I don’t even think anybody realizes that I have already left…I need to breathe and look forward…but it is so hard not to hope…I feel like the lone traveler who wishes to bring along someone or something from his past…but alas, there is so much of life ahead of me, so much I have to do, I just can’t wait anymore, not for anyone, not for my past…I have so much to see and so many dreams to live out…

Photo By: T. Kocourek 2002