G-Chat

...it is one thing to write about your thoughts and it is another to execute them.

This conversation revolves around my having chosen (to a degree)

to follow through on my thoughts...

3:46 PM
me: how am I?

Yagrua: yes

3:47 PM
me: I really cannot tell you how I am...
I wish I knew
I mean
I guess I am Ok...healthier, working...

3:48 PM
I am different would be the best answer

3:50 PM
Yagrua: is different better than before?

3:52 PM
me: how do you mean?
in terms of a State?
or in terms of a person?

3:53 PM
in terms of a state I feel like this is all surreal...like I am not sure if this is all really happening

3:54 PM
Yagrua: isn't life kinda just like that in general?

4:00 PM
me: well, no. Not for me at least. Life is a happy thing to look forward to and to share with people. Not some fog you can't see through that you simply let pass by...
Something to experience

4:01 PM
I mean detachment is a good thing but I would like to think that life is a bit more than just watching and feeling through a glass window

4:03 PM
Yagrua: is it b/c you don't feel like you are in control right now? that you are just watching things go by?

4:06 PM
me: I have made the decision to watch things go by at this time, I am in control but addictions are a hard thing to get over. Habits are a real bitch and most of all companionship is something that I embrace. I don't like being a loner. It is different when you are traveling on your own because the world is your companion, but I like to share myself with people and quite frankly I have chosen not to do so with anyone here because I think everyone is shallow and no one really wants to understand anything except themselves and if they did it would be for their own self gratification and not for the actual connection with that person....

4:07 PM
its like most conversations I have with people are interviews
either for philosophical interaction
or to get off on themselves
or both

4:08 PM
I guess what I am getting to is...as the days go by I realize there aren't many people worth being with
on any level

4:09 PM
I don't mean to sound so elitist

Yagrua: but are you limiting yourself? you'd rather be alone than socialize

4:10 PM
me: but it is kinda hard to 'just have fun' with people you thought were closer...they won't let you...
What I mean is

Yagrua: i understand what you mean

me: you cannot change and expect everyone to change with you
you cannot expect them to suddenly see you as a person you just have fun with because that is not what it was beforehand

4:11 PM
Yagrua: so you're saying is that ppl want to have a deeper level of friendship with you but you can't offer that b/c you feel there is little in common and b/c they cannot empathize?

4:12 PM
me: Sort of....
people feel entitled to a deeper friendship with me because of a couple of things:

4:13 PM
A: Just because I listen well people think THEY know me...like I am suddenly a close friend when in fact I am not at all because they do not reciprocate ...they are too into themselves that they cannot see where you are coming from or even realize that they never even ASKED or CONSIDERED your position....

4:14 PM
B: They went through the motion of being my friend...y'know hanging out for a long time is supposed to create some sort of connection when in fact all it creates is habitual hanging out and a sense of what a friendship is like

4:15 PM
Yagrua: you are so right on that

me: I don't really think there is anyone here in DC that can shoot me a one sentence FACT about who I really am...

4:16 PM
and it is unfair because I can almost do it to everyone
then again...
I recently came to a realization that I do have an uncanny ability to understand people and read them

4:17 PM
Someone referred to it as a gift and I never realized that not everyone could do what I was doing
and perhaps therein lies my dilemma

Yagrua: it is a gift, and it's also somewhat of a downfall

4:18 PM
you obviously are feeling the downside to it
but do you think that its just Americans that make you feel this way? b/c you know a lot of non-Americans, and do you think they are superficial friends too?

4:24 PM
me: Not necessarily
And yes they can be superficial friends too

4:25 PM
the way I see it is this,
There is a level of courtesy around the world that Americans tend to be blind to
and that is simply (in laymen’s terms) giving someone the time of day....
Europeans are good at this
They may or may not care about you

4:26 PM
but they will give you the chance on the soap box to explain
and from there judgments are concluded [Note the word concluded not made]
Asians are a bit different
to a degree

4:27 PM
it is just that in Asian society it is he who lets the other use the soap box first who is judged
usually for the better
do you know what I am saying?

[It is important for the reader to know at this point that I am not making generalizations without a degree of experience. I am half Asian, half European. The person I am conversing with is half Asian, half American. Both of us have lived in Asia, I myself, spent 10years of my life there and about 6 in Europe. Both of us graduated high school from an international school in southeast Asia.]

4:30 PM
Yagrua: so you feel that TD is one of the very few that you feel reciprocates true friendship

4:31 PM
me: Once again, to a degree...
TD will look out for you so long as he is having fun
with you
He is not a very good support person

4:32 PM
when times are tough
at least for me

4:34 PM
Yagrua: you've really thought about this...

4:35 PM
and i'm not sure how to respond..
i totally get what you're saying, but are you willing, for the time being, to put up with it until you leave?

4:36 PM
do you feel its right to cut down on friends, instead of taking it at face value knowing that it will end soon?

4:37 PM
and also, i know you have friends that GET you, but is it also safe to assume, after coming to your conclusions, that things, people, can change?

4:38 PM
me: Am I willing to put up with it?

4:39 PM
two choices: Pretend or be true
still have not fully decided
Do I feel that it is right to cut down on friends at this point?

4:40 PM

Yagrua: i mean, is it worth all the agony if you are planning on leaving soon?

me: but the agony is not having friends that understand you....so either or...the agony is still there

4:41 PM
It is worth cutting down on those friends but it is important to try and make new ones that….
that I can have fun with
ones without too much of a history behind

4:42 PM
can you further explain your last one?
do you mean is it safe to assume they will always be there?
or understand me?

4:43 PM
Yagrua: that becuase you have this gift, that this isn't going to be an isolated incident or one that will go away once you leave the US

4:44 PM
me: I guess it is a mater of degrees...
This is not a completely foreign feeling for me

4:45 PM
I had it before in other countries but people are less self-centered in other countries

4:46 PM
One day I am going to find someone who can reciprocate and mark my words… I am going to hold on to that person until the day I turn into dust
I think that is my only shot at finding peace with this dilemma

4:47 PM
me: It would be too much to ask for a group of these people in one physical location...

4:48 PM
Yagrua: but better to have them scattered than not at all