Where?

I find that whenever I try to make changes in my life threre is a period of time when nothing is really happeneing on the surface. Beneath it you are making changes but in order for you to notice the changes you have to stay focused and consitent. It is in that strange silence, that strange incubation period when things really count. You are really tested in terms of how much you want that change to occur. It is always during that strange silence where I find myself to become unsettled, confused, beggining to question my motives and worst of all I am unable to form any real conclusions. They say it is always when you are about to quit that things change for the better. I belive in that just because I have lived that scenario so many times over in my life. Throughout the process though, you just wander around hoping you are doing things right.

It would seem as if thought I were feeling my way through the darkness but it is not like that. Being in the dark would imply that you have no control over the situation. In this case I do have control over the situation. There is a door behind me and a door in front of me. In between is just nothing, not grey, not balck just emptiness. I look back and that door is getting smaller and smaller. I look ahead and that door doesn't get any bigger, it is still as small as it was to begin with. What do I do? Do I go back to what I know before that disappears all together or do I forge ahead and hope for the best?

One of the worst feeling I discovered, for myself, was when I looked at what I had in my hands, what I was hoping and dreaming to become when I graduated college. I look back at who I was before I left in August. I looked beyond that and to who I was exactly one year ago when I was 23 turning 24. Where I was, how happy was I? who was with me? Here is the question which kills me the most: What if before you left in August, you were at the end of a crappy, stressful and hard time? What if you quit right when things were about to get better? I guess I will never know, and it is probably better that way despite the fact that I feel so lost right now.

I turn 25 in 1 week and 1 day. I bought a book a few years ago about people who go through their 'quarterlife crisis.' The feelings of direction, social standing, work-life balance, issues of where one ought to be at this point all coming together. I do not know if I am going through a quarterlife crisis. I do not feel trapped, in fact I feel like I have a lot of options right now. There are so many ways to look at things. I am just so sick of the whole 'blah' phase.