How Do You Want To Be Loved?

How do you want to be loved? Every time we go through things in life we learn something new, or perhaps I should say we learn something more about something we thought we knew almost everything about. It is like studying ancient Egypt or Rome every year from second grade until high school. Same subject, but every year its something a little bit deeper, just a twist on some aspect of it that changes the whole story.

I find it to be the same way with relationships. Every time we find someone or every time we loose someone we learn something more about ourselves as individuals and as a partner. The whole identification of wants and needs, what is important to you and what, no matter how small or ridiculous it may seem to the world, would make or break a relationship no matter how much history you have with the other person. It is something so important to you that you know your life with that person would just not work out without this essential thing because from there lies a lot of what makes you happy and what keeps you from falling into pieces when things are tough (I mean as an individual not as a couple). It is so important to consider how you want to be loved. I was asked once ‘what if that person did not have it? Is the relationship doomed?’ Well, no. Everything in life is in degrees. For one, you can learn or try, and it also depends on the degree to which that person may or may not have it.

So I ask, how do you want to be loved? Do me a huge favor and just post your answer to this question, anonymously or not it doesn’t matter. I suppose I should start.

I want to be loved with confidence. I think I am such a strong person every hour of my life that it would be a life saver if someone could be strong for me, for once. In fact I know, now more than ever that I need that to stay sane, to stay a happy person. When shit hits the fan I want to feel like the other person is doing everything she can to keep things together even though I can’t go on. I am not saying I won’t do anything and just be lazy, that’s not possible for me, its just not who I am. What I mean is, in relationships I do a lot of fighting, I go every extra step to show that I love someone. I tell everyone I know all the great things about that person, I am there for that person all the way no matter what, I would fight for them even though it is me that is getting hurt. I love and give unconditionally. No one has ever fought for me wholeheartedly and unconditionally. It seemed like in my last relationship if I broke down she broke down with me. I was in a relationship where I would protect the one I loved from negative thoughts from everyone including my own family, and yet, it was never reciprocated. In return all I received was an explanation that it was how her family was and that is that. I guess it showed me that I would never be a part of it. There are times when I would complain to someone about her and right after I get it all out I follow up with at least one reason why I loved her. Those are just two examples and it used to hurt so much thinking about it. It is interesting because when I think about my recent breakup, I mean the actual breaking up, she hardly put up a fight. Something inside of me was wishing that she would, to show me that maybe it is in her, the fight, so many times I remember telling her all of these things that would keep me close to her, but she never got it. Something inside of me was just screaming out ‘after five years you still don’t understand that all you have to do to hold on to me is to pick me up when I am down, to grab me by the collar and yell I LOVE YOU AND I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO!’ It did not happen, and inside I knew that this was the essential reason why it had to end for me. I did not realize it then, but I realize it now that I can look back and look inside of myself. I don’t regret anything, but it is a sad story.

This is why I say, ask yourself how you want to be loved. No matter how perfect everything is, things will begin to fall apart if you are not being loved the way that you want to be. For those people asking, ‘how the hell do I love someone the way they want to be loved?’ Why not start with the obvious; love them the way you want to be loved and go from there. Keep your ears open, listen, understand, consider and most of all reciprocate because chances are they are loving you the way they want to be loved.

If you are being loved the way you want to be, as I am sure some of you are (I hope most of you are), I ask you to describe it, embrace it, let it out…it just shows how much you really do love them…too shy? That is just you getting in the way of your own feelings…

So, how do you want to be loved?

"2 The Altar"
Photo By: S. Tobler
Malmo, Sweden 2006