...And In This Moment I Am Happy...Happy...

It was a beautiful late summer day. Has it really been this long? The sun pierced through my car’s windshield and landed softly on our skin. It seems so much longer than that, so much has happened. The rays warmed our bodies. So many changes. She made this happen, it feels good to know that. It is like having to re-learn someone. It feels good when she just decides something and takes you along for a ride. So many small things change, and there are a lot of new big things to get used to. You feel so loved. It is the big things that are shockers. I felt so loved, felt like I was where I was meant to be. I never thought I could ever change so much. The winding, country road adds to the feeling of being at the right place, a sense that you are supposed to be here. I have to admit I wonder if she notices the changes in me. We pull over into one of the properties. I can’t stop looking at her, it has been a while. We make our way between the rows of grape vines. I look for all the details, scanning her eyes for answers to questions I haven’t even asked. The sun passes through the foliage around us casting hues of greens and yellows onto our faces. She does the same. We look at each other, thinking about the taste of Chardonnay in our mouths. There are so many things to ask. Buttery? Where to start? Indeed it was. How to start? How about a different one? Why not start anew. Fruity. So we did. If only the wine was as good as the beauty of our surroundings, onto the next place. It felt good. Driving around with her felt so right. It was like finding your best friend again. It was like being on an adventure with someone you could never get enough of. Except this time there is a slight difference. Like nothing in the world could make a difference. There is something there. There it is. Something new. The winding road leads us to the King Family properties. It seems out of place to me because it was only slightly there in the past. A little bit out of the way but never the less, its surroundings were beautiful. Yet now it is pronounced. Lots of horses. Confident. The driveway on the privately owned vineyard took us deep into the property. Confidence where there was only a slight hint before. We pull up to a small building, park the car and make our way around to the entrance. It was so new. Rosé. So refreshing. Tastes just like summer. It emanated in her very being. Sauvignon Blanc. Shining out into to the world through her eyes. Crisp and fresh. It was such a breath of life. Chardonnay. It complemented all the changes, small changes but just right. Smooth. Fine tunings. Pinot Noir, Cote de Nuits Villages 2003. All coming together to make a whole. Perfect. Where were you before? I thought. A heavy, passionate taste. It doesn’t matter. The warmth of the wine embraces me. All that matters is now. That sensation of equilibrium returns. I wonder what is to come. Polo matches in the summer. Does it matter? I remember feeling, We have to return. So long as you enjoy what you have today.

Drum Drum Drum

I have "In the Beginning" By K'naan stuck in my head, I guess it is because the song reminds me of someone who was integral in my transformation into a new person. I have never known what the true effect of having a positive outlook can have on someone. I was always a dreamer first, then a thinker, but I would get caught in such a quagmire of self doubt that none of my dreams would be executed. Through an endless reserve of positive energy and good vibes, this person blew me away. It was like being taught how to be happy. It is absolutely amazing how one person can make such a huge difference just by being so positive. It gives you a lot of energy to move on and go after what it is you want in life. Thank you. You know who you are.

These days I have been able to maintain a sense of rediscovering the world. This has helped me stay happy with myself and encourages me to create something to look forward to. There are a lot of things in my life that I can choose to get to me, but they don’t. It is not that I don’t pay attention to them, I do, and I am doing something about all of those issues. I just refuse to be unhappy.

I think of it as a kind of strength...it is so important to stay strong and I have found that staying strong doesn't necessarily mean having to be serious or having to give up having fun in life. Enduring all the hardships of life shouldn't break you even if you are not where you want to be. In fact letting yourself be miserable is just a way of becoming more of a victim.

NY Metro Trippin'

"I know I am going to be successful, I just don't know how it is going to play out."

I said that on the NY Subway last weekend. It felt good to say it. Being in NY was great in itself; there is something about that city that I am so drawn to. I was walking around Chinatown and my friend was watching me the whole time. She mentioned how interesting it is to see me change almost instantly, like I was home. Being in Chinatown that day did feel like home. Although I didn't notice the change in my overall demeanor because I was so lost in my thoughts of who I was, how people change, the great memories I had of being in NY, replaying the scenes in my mind on the exact same streets I walked on with my friends during the weekend of my 21 st birthday. I find that I am able to lose myself in these memories with little effort these days. If I had my way I would have walked all over the city, lost in such a state. It was an amazing feeling. I had not felt such a feeling in quite some time now. I really got swept away, back in time, I felt like I was in Asia again but in addition to my experiences in the states all mashed into one. I don't think I was ready for that.

I now believe I can move onto a new and equally important question for myself. What do I want to do with my life? I know who I am now, I know myself better than ever. So what do I want to do with who I am? If I know I am going to be successful and I know who I am, then really, all it comes down to is what I want to do. I always thought that I knew what I wanted to do but after really examining that over the past few months I have found that what I thought I knew was in fact not really what it was. What I mean is, I knew what the desired end result was to be, yet I could not clearly pinpoint what I wanted to do in between. I am at such a critical point in my life at the moment, I can feel all these changes going on and it seems like I am on the verge of something amazing. I don't know the details but I am definitely feeling a strong pull towards a certain direction.

A part of me is scared, very scared. The thing about the US is that everything is directed at catering to the individual. What I mean is that the orientation here is such that products and services are brought to your door despite the slight intrusion into one's privacy. All a person needs to do is reach out for whatever they want. When everything is catered for an individual's needs it is hard to not get comfortable. It is a bit different in the outside world, especially in Europe. People value their individuality and the small freedoms associated with it. Ergo things are not directly catered to you as an individual and the individual is made to go and seek out what it is they need. Every time my doubts and fears arise regarding how I want to approach my future, I know that at the heart of it lies this very fact about the US and the very tendency for us human beings to simply get comfy. Everything is here. NY definitely evokes that feeling for me.

I constantly ask myself if I really am risking "throwing it all away" as many people have said or implied. Will I ever get back into the US? If not, does it matter? After all, I have lived 20 out of 25 years outside of this country and weren't those 20 years the better ones? Maybe, but I never had to work in those countries. These questions and bouts of self doubt are inevitable, yet unmatched against set convictions that my eventual departure would benefit myself and my certain success in life. It is quite an arduous process, fighting back such negative sentiments, especially when in the guise of close friends and family. There are times when I believe and fall victim to the comforts readily available in the US. I think of all the things I am able to do here, there are simply so many distractions.

It all boils down to one essential question though doesn't it?

"What Makes You Happy?"

It is all that really matters in the end. This is what keeps me focused everyday. I ask myself that and every time I do I think of all the places I visited and all the feelings associated with them. Then, I remember what it is that makes me happy. I know that one day I will live in the US again, hopefully that will be in NY.

Walking on the brink of change (and knowing it) is intimidating and exciting all at the same time. I wonder where I will be in....not so long from now.

1104W

I remember the day so clearly and the feelings associated with it. It was a beautiful day, blue skies, the DC humidity had not set in yet so the cool breeze soothed our skin. We were a bit apprehensive of this place but at the same time a bit anxious to find a new place quite soon seeing as we had to move out of her place by the end of the month.

She was wearing a white t-shirt that hugged her form completely. Accenting her hourglass figure perfectly. It went well with the peach and white flower print satin skirt she wore. 8315 N Brook Lane. We drove there, Patsy sat between her legs on the passenger side and looked up at both of us during the entire ride. Two large brown orbs reflecting pure love and admiration. We pulled up to the front of the west building, already impressed with the surroundings, how suitable for Patsy we thought, but still apprehensive about leaving the District. As we got out of my car she asks me to hold Patsy’s leash for a second while she gathered her things. We’ll do this one like we always did, she asks the smart questions and I criticize the place and try to read the guy. We walk up to the main entrance and the landlord greets us. It was the lighting, size of the bedroom and the fact that they welcomed pets that sold us.

The feeling of walking into that empty one bedroom with her, looking at it, saying, “this is our place,” the feeling of hope and of having a future, it seems like it is so fresh in my memory. It is that feeling of hope, love and a sense that this very moment presented so many possibilities for our future. Our feelings for each other gave life to the place, the entire apartment lived off of our love, it was everywhere. It was such an adventurous feeling.

That was one year ago to the day. We never really, truly had the opportunity to live together in that place. I guess that is why that feeling of a new beginning still seems so fresh in my mind. It never got the chance to blossom, it was uprooted prematurely from my heart and mind.

By the time I returned from Europe the place of hope suddenly became a prison. When Patsy and her left, it was much worse. That feeling became more pronounced and worse yet it was the type of feeling that has two extremely sharp edges. When wrapped in a blanket of love it is one of the best feelings in the world which strikes and fills the heart with beauty, but when exposed to emptiness it is cold and pierces the soul like a sudden sharp pain in your stomach.

The walls which once emanated warmth became cold and unloving. As if though water which had once lightly traversed across its surface making its way down the wall had been frozen in time. A hollow reminder of what once was surrounded me. Winter had just begun and it felt to me like it had made its way into my home and into my soul.

I fought it. I did not let that feeling win, and I proved victorious in the end.

I was such a different person one year ago. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Yet the feelings never really change. I mean, I may not feel the same about certain things like I used to but at the same time I cannot deny the feelings I did have. I believe that people never truly forget what those moments really felt like. I think people bury those feeling with other thoughts, and I also believe people let others bury those feelings for them, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet they are still there somewhere, hidden.

I think that one of the biggest steps I have learned to take is to accept how I feel, what I have felt in the past and not deny its place in my life. This goes for the people in my life as well. There are some people that mean so much to me who will always be in my heart whether or not they accept that. I may not talk to them that often, or at all anymore, but they mean a lot to me, just like all of those feelings. In so comparing, people bury the memories of those once close to them as well, and people usually allow others to help them bury the memory of those people, all for the sake of protecting themselves. Yet those people are still there somewhere in the world, and at one time they occupied a place in your heart whch may now be vacant yet, like 1104W, still emanates, even if just so slightly, those feelings that were there when they did occupy that space.

I say "protecting" because I learned that, that is exactly what it is. If it were growth then you would accept it and cherish it much like every good and bad experience. If I had a choice to live life over again and change things, I would not change a thing at all - - why? First off in order to make that decision I need all 25 years of my experience to come to such conclusions as to what to change in my life. Second, to want to change something in one's life seems to me such an unhappy thing, was it that bad? Then again I can only say this for myself and no one else.

1104W will always be an important part of my life. As much as I dislike the place, it represents so much to me. It was like an incubator, I grew up a lot, changed a lot from there. It was my third home in the DC area and I learned a lot from my experiences throughout the duration of my residence.

I miss it already, and yet I am radiating happiness. It was the final physical anchor I had to her and my leaving Whitehall completes the entire process of separation between her and I. The fact that there is absolutely no excuse to see or speak to each other ever again will prove to be quite the experience. It is a bit melancholy to think that after such a prolonged time of intimacy, the end result is a penetrating silence. I would be a liar to say that I no longer think about her despite the sea of emotions we have placed between us. Yet, if it must be so for the sake of happiness, for the sake of finding one's own inner fire and letting it grow...ergo; Carpe Diem!