Do you ever watch Lost? I am really into Desmond's story right now, especially the episode about how the universe has a way of course correcting. If something were not to fall into place the way it were supposed to (according to the universe) then the universe would find a way to make sure it happens. I like the idea because I thoroughly believe in me being the only master of my universe, that I control what happens. The whole concept of the universe having preset plans has always intruiged me. I am leaning more towards the idea that the universe has already preset consequences and that we are simply here to choose the route. Like those books where the ending depends on what choices you make at specific points in the story.
Granted, it is not always what we want that we get but most of the time at the end of the day it is. Lately I have been really in tune with myself and for a moment I lost my daily structure and my routine and kinda lost a little bit of focus. Primarily due to the fact that I am moving around and all the stresses that come with that. Hopefully this week I can jump back into the routine, but chances are that won't happen until next week.
I am on the verge of beginning my exit from the US. I am working on aligning everything to accommodate my departure. I have made some serious decisions and some people may not like it but it must be done. Most of my life I have always tried to reach out and tried to accommodate both what people in my life want and what I want. Unfortunately that just doesn't work out too well in the end. This time I have decided to make decisions irrespective of what the consequences are amongst people that I care about. It is really high time that I put myself before anything else. I know that I have said that so many times in my life before but this time it is absolutely imperative that I set some limits.
I know myself well enough that I will not be able to completely focus on myself when it comes to all aspects of my life. I like people too much. I have a friend who is all about focusing life on himself, he lives on his own, has never been in a relationship that lasted longer than one month and doesn't intend to be in one in the near future. I always thought that his life was lonely, that it seems as if he
should have someone in his life. I find myself stopping my thoughts at that point though because I remember one important critical thing: he is happy. Then I wonder what it took for him to get to that point, if the universe has some plan for him and being alone is just his course at the moment. I guess it doesn't matter so long as you are happy.
I think about my path in life, I look back at where I came from and all of the people, things and events which took place...all of the course correcting.. One course correction occurred when I was pulled out of school by my parents in 2000. I was so happy in London, very carefree. I was a psychology major then. My whole existence in Europe was extremely idealistic for me. I worked at the university pub for drinks instead of cash, went to carnivals in Leicester Sq., partied in some cheesy clubs like Ministry, and got trashed at many pubs. Oh did I mention my fake ID? My name was "Zak Daniels"...such stupid high school crap...I wonder if I still have that somewhere. "Why did you need a fake ID in London?" you ask, well my dear reader, I was only 17 when I went to college! In any case, I got pulled out of classes due to a health scare which in the end was nothing. This universal intrusion was probably one of the best things that could have happened. I spent the majority of 2000 running around Thailand, jumping from island to island and seeing some amazing things. The most important thing is that I changed life perspectives and decided to do more with my life.
The most recent incident of course correction was my trip to the Virgin Islands. It was not as "aggressive" or as dramatic as the others have been in the past but equally as important and carried just as much impact on my life. It was the first experience I have ever had where I calmly reached within and found who I was and ever since, I have never felt so like myself. I usually keep these experiences close to my heart because of these internal impacts and residual sentimental feelings, but in all honesty, as beautiful as the Virgin Islands are, this trip was definitely more about me. The islands were just the perfect backdrop. I guess the root to all of this is that, it is the first beautiful place I had ever been to and do not feel the need to have to go back. I really learned to carry it in my heart. Once I managed to do that I remembered all of the feelings I felt in all of those beautiful places I have seen, like Koh Chang. Almost instantly, I lost the sad and needy feeling to go back to these places.
I have always preached holding on to a wonderful place in your heart. It is interesting though when can do so with every moment in your life and, in fact, with the future ahead of you. What I mean is, its such a great feeling to know what feeling you are going to get when you think about your future. I think about the feeling I am going to get when I leave this place. It is a touch of melancholy and a healthy dose of pure happiness. As I think of it I almost invoke the feeling and when I can do that I know that it is the right thing for me to pursue. I think of the person I am now, the person I was and I am overjoyed when I think of the person I am going to be. Every time I do so it feels so comforting. So, yes, I still do believe that I control where I go in life but, these days I begin to trust in the fact that some things occur for the best outcome. Course correction, fate, you call it what you will, its a pretty crazy thing.
Image: Follow Me
Photo By: S. Tobler
Location: Cabo San Lucas, Mexico 2007
