It is all good...

I realize that is has been a while since I have posted anything. I received an email from a good friend inquiring as to what the delay was in publishing a new posting…I responded and I realized that my response is something I should post…

Since December I have given everything I have been through over the past six months considerable thought. Was I heading in the right direction? Is my decision to get out of this country the right thing for me? I guess that it was high time I truly posed those questions, I mean , really, the dust has settled now and I can definitely see everything in front of me. The ultimate conclusion I came to is this; no matter what I decide to do the first thing I need to do is focus on the small things first. From October to December I was so intent on my future plans that I was numb to what was really going on inside of me. It was as if though the thought and prospect of a better life somewhere else served as a sort of emotional anesthetic. I am not implying that my “realization” period meant nothing. In fact it was a significant turning point in my existence in that it did remind me of what and who I am, yet from the moment I arrived back to DC until one month/month and a half ago, I attempted to address my situation the way I usually addressed my life; focusing on the future. This approach ruined a lot of things in my past and here I was trying to apply the same method with a different subject matter. In essence that was what my whole drive to get out of this country was; A new subject.

So is a new place really going to make me feel better? More at home? More settled, maybe give me a sense of meaning? Probably for the first few months, then once you have seen everything and life hits you again and the cycle starts over. Old habits are a bitch but old perspectives are even worse and very dangerous!!

So, I have decided to take on a new approach. The overall objective is still to vacate this city, and hopefully this country. More importantly though, I need to fix things internally and be at peace with myself before I continue on. For the longest time I have only seen myself as a theory, an image of what could be. I never really thought about myself, of who I truly am. After really digging deep I realize that I was not honest with who I was and therefore how could I be honest with people around me? That is the reason why I took a break from blogging. Through my blog I was projecting this person, this idealistic me. I am not saying that what I said and what emotions were expressed were not genuine, but what I was saying was coming from a perspective of someone who wants to change and believes he is that what he is not. Does that make sense? It is almost as if my goals, standards and ideas of and for myself get higher and higher before I can even accomplish the first set of goals.

Since about mid December I have decided to take things slowly, something that I never really have done before and something that I need to learn to do. Patience is such a hard thing for me conjure up, and the lack of it will get me into some trouble if I don’t watch myself. I’ve started to do more things for myself in terms of physical and emotional growth. I need to let my brain take a rest because I never really have let it do so. I’ve stopped thinking about my future so much, I still do but not to the degree of obsession which at its height was pretty bad.

I decided to create a lot of physical goals for myself because I don’t think I have ever challenged my body like I have my mind. So I run about 20 miles a week now, I lift weights 5 days a week and I am jumping back into the Thai boxing world. The physical challenge is important for me because it creates a structure and is something I can control. The fact that I can control the physical aspect of my life is like methadone for a heroine addict, instead of trying to control my future I just control my physical form. It really helps and allows me to balance the social and emotional aspects of myself. I actually started working out at the end of November. I guess the tipping point (in this regard, which has nothing to do with inner growth) was, one day I was thinking about being in health class in Jakarta. I remember a chart showing the physical and sexual drive of men and women. The men’s physical chart peaked at 25, sexual chart peaked at 28-29. Women’s physical growth peaked at roughly the same time as men’s but their sexual drive peaked at 35-ish. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself

“Good lord, if this is as good as it gets we’ve got problems! On top of which if I peak sexually in 3-5 years and if I am not in good physical shape by the time my wife is 35-ish, I may as well let a hot 25 year old take the keys and drive!”

So I decided I wanted to be a hot 35 year old before my wife ran off with Carlos the hot trainer at the gym (so to speak).

The results have been great physically but I am happier with the emotional results. I am not as demanding of people and my future. On top of which it really relieves the itch to get out of here so fast. That is such a good thing because I do not know how I am supposed to be happy if I cannot be happy with myself wherever I am.

Going back to giving my brain a rest, the primary driver to the importance of this is that I was becoming so critical of people that sooner or later it would push them away. I think too much in general, I am constantly thinking and this lead to my thoughts, my brain, overpowering my soul. I would say things that I did not really mean and it would come off as hurtful or extremely critical even though I did not mean to. I stressed myself out and never took my time all because of some self created inner pressure. This one is a hard one for me to fix but I have made huge strides and I am confident that I will overcome 100% of it in time.

I can go on and on about the things that have happened to me internally over the past month but that could get boring. In any case, I am making a lot of progress, I am not the person I was six months ago and it is all good…